Wow! Modern science. The things it can do these days!

Up on the back side of the river lives Mabel Esterhausen, at least 65 years old and never been married. She got to reading in one of them magazines about how science was so good these days a woman could get pregnant as old as 70, if things were still all there and other stuff, without too many complications.

Mabel decided at her age she should ought to have a baby and so she made a phone call or two and the next thing you know, the old German lady was pregnant.

As you can imagine is was quite the scandal in Andover and everybody had something to say about it. Well, the day came when she dropped the baby and after being home with the little feller for about a week, a couple of the women in town decided they had better pay a visit out to Mabel’s place and see this baby and at least offer some help.

When the two women arrived a Mabel’s, she invited them in. Immediately the two women began asking to see the baby. “Where’s this little feller?” one lady asked.

“Well, you can’t see him just yet. How about I make us some coffee and a bite to eat and we’ll visit while we wait?” said Mabel.

A bit puzzled the two ladies agreed and sat down for coffee but one lady just couldn’t stand it. “Why can’t we see that baby now?” she asked.

“Well, you can. Just as soon as he starts to cry!” exclaimed Mabel.

“Ok,” replied one lady. “But why do we have to wait for him to cry?”

“Cause I can’t remember where I laid him down!” replied Mabel.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman came over to their table, gave the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then said that she’ll see him later and walked away.

The wife glared at her husband and said, “Who the hell was that?”

“Oh,” replied the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” said the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replied her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMWs in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend entered the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Gary?” asked the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” said her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replied.

Beatrice wasn’t too smart. I mean it wasn’t that she didn’t have a clue, it was she didn’t even have a suspicion. She was also in possession of a face that only a mother could love. In other words, when Beatrice was little her mother went with her everywhere she went because she was so ugly she didn’t want to have to kiss her goodbye. Beatrice was however wealthy because she was the only member of the family of a wealthy uncle who come from down Boston way.

When the uncle died, he left his riches to Beatrice who shortly thereafter married Fred.

One day as Beatrice was talking to Fred and feeling a bit insecure, she quizzed, “Fred, would have married me even if my uncle hadn’t left me with lots of money?”

Fred’s answer flew right over Beatrice’s head, “Beatrice, I would have married you no matter who had given you that money.”

I don’t know really but one night Otis and Gabby were making their usual rounds throughout town making sure everything met with their approval. From Mill’s Market they crossed the street to Gary’s Garage and noticed two old ladies (no names please) sitting in a bright and very old Cadillac parked in front of the garage.

Gabby said to Otis, “Hey, that’s Gary’s old Caddy! Why are they sitting in it?”

Otis and Gabby approached the two ladies in the car and Otis, grabbing his suspenders with his two thumbs (his typical, “I’m the boss around here” approach) and asked, “What are you two ladies doing sitting in Gary’s Caddy?”

One lady replied, “This isn’t Gary’s Cadillac anymore. We bought it this morning from him.”

Puzzled, Otis questioned again, “Then if you bought it, why don’t you drive it out of here?”

The old lady retorted, “Well, the reason we bought this particular car at this particular garage was we were told that if we did, we’d get screwed! So we’re still waiting.”

I never stop learning. Last night I learned why men play sports. Little did I know that it wasn’t about having fun, or learning how to work as a team, a sense of accomplishment, discipline, or even making money. No, playing sports for men is all symbolic of the sperm and the egg.

Betcha didn’t know Andover had an old folks home! Well, they do and there are two old ladies in there that have been friends since their days at Andover High School, class of 42.

As most of us know and it’s something that we really don’t like to think about, sometimes these old folks homes can get a bit regimented. It’s not so much the fault of the home itself as it is the people who reside there. They insist that everything happens at the same time everyday. If that varies, they can become very upset.

Well, Bertha and Mabel play cards everyday at 2:00 p.m. Yesterday was no exception. After having played for about 30 minutes, Bertha stopped and began staring at Mabel. Finally she said, “Honey, I don’t want you to get mad at me. I can remember that you and I are friends and I know where we are but for the life of me I can’t remember your name.”

Mabel looked up from her hand and began to stare back at Bertha. She did this for at least 3 minutes. Finally, she replied to Bertha and asked, “How soon do you need to know?”

It was a beautiful Wednesday afternoon. Otis had made his rounds around town making sure everybody had everything under control. He decided it was time to wander over to the Town Common, make sure the bandstand was in fine shape and take up a perch on one of the benches in the shade. “Golly,” he thought. “I might even take a nap.”

After checking out the bandstand, Otis decided his favorite bench on the far back corner would suffice, after all, he could keep an eye on what was going on at the town office and see if any newcomers arrived in town.

But on his way, he passed an elderly woman he reckoned he didn’t really know. She was sitting on his second favorite bench sobbing her eyes out.

“What’s wrong with you, lady?” he asked.

“I have a 22-year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.” she sobbed.

“But why are you crying so?” asked Otis once again.

“He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.” she continues to wail and Otis is completely puzzled.

“That all sounds wonderful, lady,” replied Otis, “But it confuses me as to why you are so upset that you’re crying like this?”

“For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.” the sobbing was obnoxious.

“None of this makes any sense to me, lady!” Otis exclaimed, coming to the end of his patience. “I’m going to ask you one more time, why are you crying so?”

“I can’t remember where I live!”

Old lady Simmons died unexpectedly. At the funeral the pall bearers where carrying the casket down the church aisle heading for the hearse. Otis and Gabby were on opposite sides of the casket as bearers, when Gabby tripped on the carpet making the casket bump into the wall. At the same time, everyone heard a loud moan coming from inside the coffin.

Once outside, they set the coffin down and opened it only to find out that old lady Simmons was alive. She lives another ten years.

But after ten years, she passes away again and so her husband and family have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pall bearers gather around both sides of the casket to carry it down the aisle. That’s when old man Simmons stepped up and said, “Boys! Whatever you do, make sure you don’t run into anything!”

The story has been passed down for several generations in Andover and yet never has anyone been able to confirm whether it is true of false. It goes something like this.

Cyrus and Mabel Buck decided one Christmas to forgo exchanging gifts and instead opted to take one of them holiday cruises that went out of Bar Harbor. It left two days before Christmas and returned the day after New Years.

Once Cy and Mabel checked into their quarters on ship, Cy went for a stroll on the main deck even though the Captain had warned that with some rolling seas, one could get wet or worse than that get swept off the deck of the ship.

Cyrus paid no mind and went to look around anyway. As you may now have already guessed, Cyrus was swept off the deck of the ship by a wave. The ship was stopped and for hours, stretching into days, the crew of the ship searched diligently for old man Cyrus but could not come up with a body.

The ship returned to port and Mabel was sent home after being told that people would continue looking for her husband and if anything was found they would notify her.

After about two weeks had passed, Mabel received a telegram at her home in East Andover. The telegram read as follows:

Dear Mrs. Buck,

It is our solemn duty to have to inform you that we have recovered your dead husband’s body from the bottom of the ocean. An interesting thing happened. Although your husband was dead, we did find a large oyster shell stuck halfway up your husbands butt. We removed the oyster and opened it only to find a very rare black oyster pearl, worth perhaps thousands of dollars.

Please advise!

Captain Fitzgibbons
U.S.S. Runamok

Excitedly, Mabel drafted a letter to return immediately to the Captain. It read:

Dear Captain Fitzgibbons,

Thank you for your hard work in retrieving my husbands body. Please forward the black pearl to me and re-bait the trap and sink it to the bottom again.

Sincerely,

Mabel Buck

When the Widow Brown’s husband died last year, she placed an obituary in the Andover Times newspaper stating that old man Brown died from gonorrhea. When other members of old man Brown’s family read the obit, they were outraged and immediately called the Widow to complain.

“My brother did not die of gonorrhea. He died of diarrhea!” was the essence of one call.

The Widow shot back immediately in response and said, “God, I should know what he died of. I nursed him for over the last year of his life. I know he died of diarrhea. I just thought for posterity’s sake, it would be better if people thought of him as a great lover rather than the real shit he was!”

Otis and Gabby were sitting on milk crates in front of Mill’s Market doing their usual thing…….nothing, when Otis noticed something strange about Gabby.

“Gabby,” exclaimed Otis. “Do you realize you have a suppository stuffed in your right ear?”

With that Gabby reached up and pulled a suppository out of his right ear. He stared at it for a moment and then said, “Ah ha! Now I know where my hearing aid is”.

This is a spoof on what could have been repercussions from giving Al Gore, “the Goracle”, advice on Geothermal Energy. The Nobel Laureate s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d his information just a little too far in telling the American people that the core of the earth was “millions” of degrees in temperature. This is a spoof of me receiving a phone call from Mr. Gore after his embarrassment, trying to lay the blame on me. It contains a few surprises.

Otis hates doctors and has little use for them. He had heard just about enough from everyone he run into about not eating right, getting exercise, too much smoking, too much drinking, too much of this and too little of that. He decided he would go see a “smaaht” doctor and get some advice.

Otis had heard there was a new Chinese doctor had moved to town down in Rumford, so off he went in search for some answers. When he finally got in to see the doctor, he had his questions all ready to go.

“Doctor,” inquired Otis. “You these stupid people all they do is run all the time? This exercise stuff can it prolong your life?”

Doctor Wong, “Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.

“I like red meat. Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?”, asked Otis.

Doctor Wong, “You must grasp logistical efficiencies.. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.”

Otis inquired again, “What about booze? Not that I drink that much but I do like my Budweiser. I was thinking of my buddy Gabby. Do I gotta stop drinkin?”

Doctor Wong, “No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

“I don’t know what people are talking about when they ask me about my fat ratio or some such foolishness. How can I figure out my body/fat ratio?” quizzed Otis.

Doctor Wong, “If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.”

Otis wanted to know, “What the heck good is it doing anybody to run around town everyday of the week? Is there any good reason to do that?”

Doctor Wong, “Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain…Good!”

“People tell me to stop eating Mills’ Market french fries. Are fried foods bad for you?” asked Otis.

Doctor Wong, “YOU NOT LISTENING!!! …. Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?”

Asked Otis, “Hey, Doc! Do you think the women would like me more if I had one of them rock hard, rippled stomachs? Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?”

Doctor Wong, “Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.”

“Is chocolate bad for me?” Otis inquired.

Doctor Wong, “You crazy? HELLO …. Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!”

“I hate the water but I am told swimming is healthy. Is swimming good for your figure?” Otis wanted to know.

Doctor Wong, “If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.”

Once Doctor Wong figured Otis was done asking him questions, he said to Otis, “I discover important philosophy of life:
1. The Japanese eat no fat and have fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat lot of fat and have fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink little red wine and have fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink lot of red wine and have fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink lot of beers and eat lot of sausages and fats and have fewer heart attacks than Americans.

I come to this CONCLUSION…..

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English kill you.”