Gabby doesn’t have a driver’s license and only drives if it is absolutely necessary. Gabby had a car accident one day trying to deliver his very favorite mule, Twitcher, over to Percival’s farm. The case ended up in court in Rumford. There, the trucking company’s lawyer, representing the trucking company that ran into Gabby, was questioning Gabby. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’ asked the lawyer…?”

Gabby responded, “Mebee, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Twitcher, into the…”

“I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”

Gabby began again, “I was saying, I had just got Twitcher into the trailer and I was driving down the road….”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Gabby’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, this Twitcher did you say his name was”?

“Ayuh!” replied Gabby and thanked the Judge and proceeded. “Ya see as I trying to tell ya, I had just loaded Twitcher, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I got thrown into one ditch and Twitcher he got thrown into the other. I wanna tell ya, I was hurting god awful and couldn’t move much.

“However, I could hear Twitcher moaning and groaning wicked lots. I knew she was in some serious bad way just by her groans. Pretty soon I seen a Highway Patrolman come on the scene. He could hear Twitcher moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes. Then that Patrolman came across the road and he got his gun still in his hand and looked at me and said, ‘How are you feeling?’ Now tell me Mr. Judge. What would you say?”

When those at the top of the corporate ladder look down, all they see is shit!
When those at the bottom of the corporate ladder look up, all they see are assholes!

Bruce works in Rumford and commutes everyday from Andover over through Roxbury Notch. He woke up yesterday not feeling very good and it was his birthday. He went downstairs hoping his wife might be pleasant and at least wish him a happy birthday. He was thinking to himself, “I wonder if she just might have a little present or something for my birthday?”

She merely grunted when he entered the room and so Bruce thought that perhaps when the kids came down from upstairs they will at least remember and wish him a happy birthday. It didn’t happen. The kids were in and out, off to school before Bruce could even say a word.

Feeling depressed and mumbling something about marriage sucks and kids are a pain, he grabbed his gear and headed to work.

Sullenly, with his head banging on his chest, he entered the office. His secretary, Agnes, said, “Well, good morning sunshine and by the way, happy birthday!”

That seemed to lift Bruce’s spirits a little thinking that at least someone was nice and remembered his birthday.

Bruce worked until around 1 o’clock still a bit down in the dumps. Agnes came in all smiles and acting a bit, well, let’s say feisty, for her. She says, “Hey Boss! It’s such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday and all. What do you say we go to lunch? Just the two of us?”

That seemed to brighten Bruce’s spirits considerably and so he agreed. Certainly Bruce had been to lunch before with Agnes but this time she insisted they go someplace “different” and ended up in a quaint little, romantic kind of a cafe down near the river looking out across at the paper mill. Agnes asked the waiter for a private kind of booth. Perhaps even a booth with a view of the effluent from the mill.

Bruce was becoming a bit overcome with all the attention and wasn’t sure if he was reading Agnes correctly. They ordered drinks before something to eat and began talking. Soon they ordered another round of drinks. They ate their meals while sipping a third drink. Bruce paid the tab and they headed home.

They had barely gotten in the car and headed out when Agnes says, “Bruce, it’s an absolutely beautiful day and it is your birthday. Do we really have to go back to the office right away?”

Bruce could feel his internal temperature beginning to rise. He answered, “Well, I guess not. Did you have something in mind you wanted to do?”

“Let’s go to my place,” she responded. “It’s just around the corner from here.”

Bruce was clearly flustered but getting quite excited about the prospects that might lay before him. They arrived at Agnes’ apartment and she looked a Bruce with a very sexy, sultry look and in a soft voice said, “I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a minute and I’ll be right back.”

Bruce about popped a cork!

Agnes reappeared from the bedroom moments later carrying a very large birthday cake. She was followed closely behind by his wife, three kids, about a dozen co-workers, and tons of other friends and family all singing happy birthday.

Bruce just sat there on the couch. NAKED!

That would be Harley Davidson, the motorcycle!

You see this here fella was riding by the Rumford Zoo one day on his Harley Davidson motorcycle. He glances over in the direction of the zoo and sees a young girl standing in front of the lions cage and reaching her arm inside the bars toward the lion. Quicker ‘n you could say, “Gol dang it!”, that lion grabbed that little girl’s arm and a regulation tug-o-war commenced.

The biker dude went into a half slide, done a 180 and came back to help. The girl’s parents were in shock and could only stand and scream as the biker jumped from his bike and ran as fast as he could to help the girl. He ran to the cage and faster ‘n bear eatin’ hornets could shake his head, that biker dude reached through the cage and busted that lion smack square in the nose.

The lion released his grip on the girl and staggered back a step, giving the biker enough time to yank the girl out away from the lion.

The Harley rider passed the girl back over to her parents who fell all over themselves thanking the leather clad dude.

As fate would have it, there happened to a newspaper reporter right nearby who opted to stand back and gawk rather than pitch in and help. The reporter came over to the biker and said, “That was one of the bravest things I’ve ever seen any human being do!”

“Awe, shucks!” said the biker dude. “It was nothing.”

The reporter, being that his first care was getting a front page story, told the biker that he was going to write about this in the paper and would like some information. So he says to the Harley rider, “What’s your name, what do you do for work and being that the times we live in are trying, everyone will want to know if you have any political preference one way or another.”

The biker replied, “Well, my name is Bill and I’m a United States Marine. It just so happens that I’m a proud republican as well.”

The next day, when the Rumford Times comes out, the story made the front page. The headline read: “U.S. Marine Assaults African Immigrant, Steals His Lunch!”

Viewer discretion is advised!!

Arthur Crumpler was running for the Maine Legislature. Andover is one of the small Maine towns in his district and so he thought it would be a great opportunity to visit the Olde Home Days festivities and do some campaigning. He also brought along his dog Balducci and his favorite old dog house; he named it the Bland House.

What Crumpler didn’t realize was that when the citizens of Andover go to the Olde Home Days, they bring all the family members and that might also include a few pet chickens.

Crumpler was most noted for being a shiester and being such he thought he’d best fit in as a politician. He set up a table on the common and placed his dog, Balducci, and his dog house next to him.

As you can see from the video (not a pretty sight. I’m warning you!) Balducci learned from his master the art of seducing a citizen into voting for him. As you will see his tactics are subtle at first, almost playful. You get distracted some but eventually you start to think maybe this will be alright. The next thing you know, you’ve been pulled aside and harsher tactics are being used to convince you of your vote.

But as is most often the case in politics, once you figure out what happened, it’s too late. You’ve been screwed.

GM (Government Motors) is proud to introduce the car of the future, the brand new 2011 Obummer.

This car runs on hot air, bull-shit and broken promises. It has three wheels that speed the vehicle through tight left turns.

Notice the side teleprompters; computer programmed to provide you all the right words to say when being pulled over by the police.

You may see one of these beauties, a product of wealth sharing and government controlled industry, in the Andover Olde Home Days parade.

Otis spends many long, arduous hours minding other people’s business. He hangs out on the Andover Town Common, in front of Mills’ Market, Fox’s Barbershop, sometimes at Marston’s Garage and a host of other places most people don’t want him around. During all this time, very little ever happens. When it does, it usually musters a decent story.

Dr. Twaddle, now about 88 years old but still practicing, had an office set up just beyond the Ellis River Bridge. Been there for going on 33 years and finally one day the old Doc decided he just couldn’t make a living any longer with this office in Andover. He decided to move to Rumford where the action was.

On moving day, Doc Twaddle got some help moving things. His grand niece showed up in her swank little Mercedes to help. She filled the trunk and back seat with items and thought some of heading out for Rumford, when she decided she could quite easily place the full body skeleton the old Doc used for years in the seat next to her in the car.

Fearing the skeleton might tip over or fall forward in a sudden stop, the niece wedged one arm of the skeleton in beside the seat and door and the other arm up over the back of the seat, assuming that would be enough.

She headed out of town and when she got down to the four-way stop in the center of town, Otis was standing on the corner and quite consumed by the notion that there was a strange car in town. He peered hard at the car as it approached.

When the car pulled up beside him at the stop sign, the skeleton was on the same side and quite clearly visible. Otis stared.

The niece began to fluster a bit but instead of just driving on, she opted instead to roll down the window on the skeleton’s side and began to explain to Otis what she was doing.

“I know this might look funny but I’m taking him to the doctor’s office in Rumford,” she reported.

Otis stood up erect for a moment, grabbed his suspender straps, leaned forward again and said, “I don’t know how to tell you this lady, but I think your a little late.”

Several years ago, the Rumford Wild Animal Park bought a semi rare species of gorilla for patrons to enjoy. After they had the female gorilla for a few months, she got a bit on the……well, let’s say “feisty” side. Not sure what the problem was, owners of the Park brought in some veterinarians to make sure Betsy was okay. The vets determined Betsy needed a companion, if you know what I mean.

This put the Rumford Wild Animal Park in quite the conundrum as there wasn’t another gorilla around for hundreds of miles. Harold, who worked cleaning cages came up with a brilliant plan. He said he didn’t know of any real gorillas around but he heard Alfred, who lived up on the backside of the river toward E. Andover wasn’t too bright but was always looking for some “action”.

Harold went with the owner to see Alfred. The owner of the Park asked Alfred if he would consider making love to Betsy the gorilla for $500. Alfred said he would think about it.

A couple of days went by and Alfred went to see the owner of the Animal Park. He said he would take on Betsy but that he had certain conditions that had to be met. The owner wanted to know what conditions.

“Well,” said Alfred. “I don’t want to have to kiss the gorilla. I just couldn’t do that.”

The owner didn’t see any problem with that. “What else?” he asked.

Alfred piped up, “You’ll have to promise me that nobody will ever know I did this!”

“I am certain that can be taken care of!” exclaimed the owner. “Anything else?”

Alfred responded, “I’m going to need a few days to come up with the $500.”

Otis, it seems, was hanging around on the Andover Town Common when the constable came along. The constable asked Otis to find someplace else to hang around but Otis, in his typical belligerent way essentially told the constable to stick it. Otis was summonsed to court.

The judge reviewed the case and sentenced Otis to 7 days of community service. Otis asked the judge what it was that he was going to have to do. After some discussion, Otis revealed that in another life he used to cut a little hair for a living. Well, being that the Andover barber, Mr. Fox, was away on vacation for two weeks, the judge thought it would be a great idea to have Otis sit in as a barber while Fox was away.

On Monday, Otis opened the shop and waited for customers. Later that morning the local florist showed up for a hair cut. When he was done, he offered to pay for his haircut but Otis told him he couldn’t accept money because he was doing community service.

The next morning when Otis opened the shop, he found a thank you card and a bunch of flowers awaiting him.

Shortly thereafter, the constable came in to get a haircut. And he too offered to pay Otis for the haircut but he reminded the constable that he was performing community service.

The next morning when Otis opened the shop, he found a thank you card and a box of donuts waiting for him.

Later in the day, State Representative Carter from down in Bethel was passing through and thought it would be a good chance to get a haircut. When Otis had finished with Carter, he offered to pay Otis but Otis explained the haircut was free because he was performing community service.

The next morning when Otis arrived to open the shop, he found 18 members of the Maine House of Representatives standing in line waiting for a free haircut.

Otis was sitting on the steps of the Gazebo on the Andover Town Common the other day when Gabby showed up. Looking mighty depressed he said to Otis, “Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , ‘pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land’”.

“How did you know about that, Gabby?” inquired Otis.

“I think my mother told me that a long time ago and for some reason I now remember it,” answered Gabby. “And she also told me that nearly 75-years ago, Roosevelt said, ‘Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land’”.

“Whoa! Gabby!” retorted Otis. “What’s up with you today? Are you alright?”

Gabby emotionally replied, “I heard yesterday on the news that now Obama has stolen our shovels, taxed our asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land. I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and all that stuff that I really don’t know anything about. I got so depressed I called Lifeline, the suicide help line.”

“Geez, Gabby!” said Otis. “Are you alright? Did they help you? I didn’t know all this stuff bothered you so.”

“I don’t think so, Otis!” answered Gabby. “I got a call center in some place called Pakistan. I had a real hard job understanding what they were saying. They talked real funny you know.”

“What did they say to you Gabby?” quizzed Otis.

“I told them I was suicidal. I told them everything I was seeing and hearing on the news was all just too much for me.” said Gabby. “I told them I didn’t know anything about all those things but that it was all bad. I said I can’t take it anymore and I just wanted to commit suicide!”

“Oh, my God! Gabby! I had no idea you were so upset by all this stuff,” said Otis. “Did they give you some good advice?”

“Well,” hesitated Gabby. “I really don’t know. The person I talked with seemed like really all excited because I was suicidal and asked me if I could drive a truck.”

Wow! Modern science. The things it can do these days!

Up on the back side of the river lives Mabel Esterhausen, at least 65 years old and never been married. She got to reading in one of them magazines about how science was so good these days a woman could get pregnant as old as 70, if things were still all there and other stuff, without too many complications.

Mabel decided at her age she should ought to have a baby and so she made a phone call or two and the next thing you know, the old German lady was pregnant.

As you can imagine is was quite the scandal in Andover and everybody had something to say about it. Well, the day came when she dropped the baby and after being home with the little feller for about a week, a couple of the women in town decided they had better pay a visit out to Mabel’s place and see this baby and at least offer some help.

When the two women arrived a Mabel’s, she invited them in. Immediately the two women began asking to see the baby. “Where’s this little feller?” one lady asked.

“Well, you can’t see him just yet. How about I make us some coffee and a bite to eat and we’ll visit while we wait?” said Mabel.

A bit puzzled the two ladies agreed and sat down for coffee but one lady just couldn’t stand it. “Why can’t we see that baby now?” she asked.

“Well, you can. Just as soon as he starts to cry!” exclaimed Mabel.

“Ok,” replied one lady. “But why do we have to wait for him to cry?”

“Cause I can’t remember where I laid him down!” replied Mabel.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman came over to their table, gave the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then said that she’ll see him later and walked away.

The wife glared at her husband and said, “Who the hell was that?”

“Oh,” replied the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” said the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replied her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMWs in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend entered the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Gary?” asked the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” said her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replied.

Beatrice wasn’t too smart. I mean it wasn’t that she didn’t have a clue, it was she didn’t even have a suspicion. She was also in possession of a face that only a mother could love. In other words, when Beatrice was little her mother went with her everywhere she went because she was so ugly she didn’t want to have to kiss her goodbye. Beatrice was however wealthy because she was the only member of the family of a wealthy uncle who come from down Boston way.

When the uncle died, he left his riches to Beatrice who shortly thereafter married Fred.

One day as Beatrice was talking to Fred and feeling a bit insecure, she quizzed, “Fred, would have married me even if my uncle hadn’t left me with lots of money?”

Fred’s answer flew right over Beatrice’s head, “Beatrice, I would have married you no matter who had given you that money.”

I don’t know really but one night Otis and Gabby were making their usual rounds throughout town making sure everything met with their approval. From Mill’s Market they crossed the street to Gary’s Garage and noticed two old ladies (no names please) sitting in a bright and very old Cadillac parked in front of the garage.

Gabby said to Otis, “Hey, that’s Gary’s old Caddy! Why are they sitting in it?”

Otis and Gabby approached the two ladies in the car and Otis, grabbing his suspenders with his two thumbs (his typical, “I’m the boss around here” approach) and asked, “What are you two ladies doing sitting in Gary’s Caddy?”

One lady replied, “This isn’t Gary’s Cadillac anymore. We bought it this morning from him.”

Puzzled, Otis questioned again, “Then if you bought it, why don’t you drive it out of here?”

The old lady retorted, “Well, the reason we bought this particular car at this particular garage was we were told that if we did, we’d get screwed! So we’re still waiting.”

I never stop learning. Last night I learned why men play sports. Little did I know that it wasn’t about having fun, or learning how to work as a team, a sense of accomplishment, discipline, or even making money. No, playing sports for men is all symbolic of the sperm and the egg.