He’s much better looking now!

Otis and Gabby were hanging out on the bandstand one day and decided that they had had enough of the long winters in Maine. They heard Florida was the place to be in winter, but before heading down, they thought they would send for some information on just where to live. This is what they got.

When officials arrived in Andover looking for suspected illegal immigrants, Otis gave this picture to the officers telling them he didn’t know anything about illegal immigrants but he sure thought that car looked mighty suspicious. He said he hadn’t seen a car painted red in Andover in a real long time.

This photo was taken in front of Mills’ Market just yesterday. Otis wasn’t really sure what was going on and Gabby said he once shot a dog that acted that way.

WARNING!!!! It is strongly recommended that you don’t let your children (or your spouse) subject a pig to this sort of exposure. You are running a great risk of contaminating the pig with something pandemic.

This newspaper notice might possibly have come right out of the Bethel Citizen newspaper. Lots of animal lovers over that way you know.

It was less than one year ago that we heard the world would end soon if we didn’t stop farting. Cows and other wild animals were mostly targeted as it seemed “fartlically” incorrect to point out the natural necessity of humans expelling unwanted and mostly enjoyable gas. In short, farts were contributing to global warming and by God something had to be done about it.

I have said numerous times before that if you just wait a few months, a new study will prove an old study obsolete. As we all know, studies prove that studies can prove anything (studies proved that).

But hold onto your holy methane Batman, scientists not only have found a good use for farts that might indirectly save the earth, they’ve discovered a way to create “man-made” farts. Oh, wait a minute. That doesn’t make any sense. I make my own farts therefore they are man-made.

Let’s try this again. Science has discovered how to make artificial farts and with that discovery they think they might be able to burn the fart gas to create useful energy. We just need some kind of microorganism to pull it off. I wonder where they’ll get that? Maybe Al Gore’s got some of them “inconveniently” stashed around his “green” mansion.

Hey, where have these guys been. Man has been making farts, naturally of course, since the beginning and God only knows how long we’ve been burning them - you know under the sheets at home first before attempting it at a college frat party. I never did think it impressed the girls much.

But all kidding aside (NOT), MSNBC, one news source that has more hot air than any other, is reporting on this friendly fart find that might just finalize the frivolity in fussing over farting for nothing but fun.

I better end this.

Submitted to LaughMaine by a reader:

When the light is red there’s ample time to gawk around and check things (people) out. If, however, you happen to be in the middle lane, your view is a bit tunnel vision except if you are first in line. Then things open up a little more - to see…

Rather brisk that morning in Fairbanks, mid January when something passed by the front of my vehicle. A tire! Wheel attached and the lug nuts were still on.??

It was rolling nicely across the intersection in front of me and I just starred at it trying to figure out what happened; that a tire is rolling thru the intersection with six lanes facing it in all directions when all of a sudden - the axle still attached - it caught in the road and began gyrating all over the place wiggling and wobbling until it made a complete circle of the intersection and then rolled up the right hand lane as if it pulled over.

Just when I realized it was settled down enough so as not to kill some one, I checked out the folks checking out the tire axle gyrator thing. Boy!, we were all sooo amused by it. And then the vehicle that lost it came rolling through the intersection - on three wheels, I wouldn’t want to mislead you - pulled over to the right, picked up the axil tire gyrator and threw it in the back and drove off.

What a deal!!! Intersections are so much fun. That spring, you know, when the snow banks are gone and the roads are dry enough to drag a cat through…

I was turning right so I had front row-center at this intersection. I couldn’t make my right turn yet, there was a window van coming through the intersection, dragging a cat.

At first glance I surmised little Jonnie had tossed something out the window, unbeknownst to mom. I didn’t see that part. The part I saw was when the horns started blowing throughout the intersection for the woman to stop.

She came to a fast halt. The cat was on one of those expand-a-leashes, they stretch quite a distance, thank God or it would have been under the vehicle.

Why I suspect little Jonnie might have something to do with it is because the cat that was being dragged is still headed for the stopped van. I thought it might hit the van and hurt it more but as it neared the back of the van the leash stayed tight and when the cat reached the back by the window, it disappeared up the van and in the window - mommy stepped on the gas peddle real quick and away they went.

So, if I’m the guy you’re tootin your horn at at the light, don’t be in such a puckah! Something might be happening!!!

Mainard True

Caption: “I know you used to be a U.S. Senator in a previous life, but there has to be SOMETHING between here and there!”

Mainard True

Mainard True

I recently did a movie review for Carter Davidson, “East by North East“. While watching the 70-minute DVD, there are several breaks throughout the movie where Maine humorist, Joe Perham, is heard spinning a fishing yarn of some sort. He tells a fairly quick hitting one which is one of my favorites. It goes something like this.

A feller went bass fishing over on Moose Pond. He was having a good time - how good might be a bit subjective but he suddenly realizes he’s out of bait and isn’t sure what to do.

Looking around, he spots a snake not but a few paces from where he’s standing and observes a frog hanging partly out of the snakes mouth. Reacting quickly, perhaps in much the same way he would react toward anything, he reaches behind him and yanks out a flask of whiskey and abruptly pours a shot down the throat of the snake hoping it would give up the frog.

Sure enough! The snake relinquished the frog and slithered away. The old feller used the frog as bait and wouldn’t you know it, caught a 4 1/2 pound bass with it. But his frog was now gone.

Wondering, the feller looked back over his shoulder and somewhat to his surprise the snake was back. This time with two frogs in its mouth.

Mainard True