We all know and love Gabby. He’s Otis’ good friend that hangs out in the center of town in Andover.

When Gabby was but a lad, he went to school one day to learn. The teacher began showing the class some pictures of animals to see if any of the kids could name the animals she showed.

She first held up a picture of a giraffe. No one in the class seemed to know what the name of the animal was so she gave them a clue. “What kind of animal has a real long neck?” she asked.

Finally, Veena raised her hand and said giraffe.

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Next she held up a picture of a zebra and again no one raised a hand. Once again the teacher gave them a hint.

“See the black and white stripes? What kind of animal has black and white stripes? she asked.

Edgar raised his hand finally and asked, “Is that a zebra?”

“Very good,” replied the teacher.

Teacher held up one more picture of a deer. No one responded so she once again gave them a clue.

“See the large horns on top of its head? What kind of animal has horns on top of its head?” she asked.

Oddly, none of the kids knew the answer so the teacher gave them another hint.

“Okay, class,” she said. “I’ll give you another clue. It’s something your mother sometimes calls your father.”

At that point in time Gabby way in the back of the class yells out real loud, “I know what it is! It’s a horny son-of-a-bitch!”

I would like to take a moment and wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving. Here at the Black Fly Blog, I look at life sometimes from a very different perspective than many people do but Thanksgiving is a day of remembering everything in our lives and being thankful for the good and the bad – for there is good in everything if we look for it.

I am thankful this day that there are millions of people all over the world who can laugh – laugh at other’s silliness but above all can laugh at themselves. This is healthy and Mainard and I want you to be healthy, prosperous and to share your weird stuff so the rest of us can laugh too.

Have a safe and a memorable Thanksgiving!

Tom Remington

Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a
Stuffing-imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was
perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when
poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

10-12 lb. Turkey

1 cup melted butter

1 bag stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)

1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER’S LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to
taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter,
salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with
the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds.

When the turkey’s butt blows the oven door open and the bird flies
across the room, it’s done.

And you thought I couldn’t cook!

Ooops! Guess I did it anyway. Have you heard about this nonsense? Geezum Crow!

Yesterday, while most were watching the “Yawn” Falcons play the “Yawn” Lions, I was watching “Miracle on 34th Street” for the 2,483,074th time. They said Christmas – more than once too. And they talked about Santa Claus too – of course that was mostly what the movie was about. Somewhere in the story there was a miracle.

Today is called “Black Friday”. For those of you who don’t know, Black Friday is supposed to be the biggest shopping day of the year. It’s the day that retailers finally get their books on the black side.

But I think the Black Friday name is appropriate in more ways than one. Black signifies death and or doom and gloom and depression. Ayuh, shopping will do that to me.

Black is also how people feel while out mashing together in hoards of people all vying for the same toy or whatever. Get my point?

I ain’t no Scrooge – bah humbug – well, maybe I am. Forget it! Why can’t things be the way they used to?

Now getting back to the “you can’t say Christmas” bullshit. What’s up with that anyways? Who the hell are you to come to America and insist we stop doing what we have always done?

If I went someplace else, I wouldn’t expect them to change for me. Take China for example. When you go to China, make sure you take toilet paper with you. They don’t have paper readily available to them like we do and when you go into places like a fancy restaurant or hotel to use the John, an attendant will give you a 4 inch square of single ply TP. No sh–! But should I demand that China begin making more TP just for me? Hell, no! If it’s that bad I’ll leave.

“We don’t want to offend anybody.” This makes me want to hurl big time. Gee whiz, I sure hope I haven’t offended anyone today. Puke!! I fart in public sometimes but I sure as hell don’t worry whether or not I offended anyone.

I celebrate Christmas too and I ain’t apologizing to nobody. You do your thing and I’ll do mine. I ain’t gonna ask you to stop and you sure as to hell ain’t going to TELL me to stop.

So for all of you that might be offended by Christmas, I have this to say.

CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS
JESUS, JESUS, JESUS, JESUS, JESUS, JESUS, JESUS, JESUS, JESUS, JESUS, JESUS
SANTA, SANTA, SANTA, SANTA, SANTA, SANTA, SANTA, SANTA, SANTA, SANTA, SANTA
ETC, ETC, ETC, ETC,

And if that is offensive to you or anything else I have written on MY DAMNED BLOG THAT I BOUGHT AND PAID FOR, trying doing something intelligent – turning the page!

The Internet is mind boggling. We all rave about how much information we can get from it. Today’s generation are growing up with it and use it to retrieve answers to life’s daily questions.

Here is an example of the unbelievable knowledge one can obtain from this thing we call the web.

This morning I was searching the web looking for information about my 1998 Toyota Camry. I discovered the other day that I don’t have an owners manual and I was trying to locate my fuse panel.

I am having trouble with one of my power windows and a friend told me that sometimes a weak fuse might be the cause of the problem I am having. So, the search began.

In my quest to find the solution to all my automobile troubles I came across a dandy.

I landed on a web site that claimed to be the answer expert to any and all questions concerning 1998 Toyota Camrys. I began to scan down through the multitude of questions from idiots, like myself, and I found this one which I thought could help me.

“Where is the fuse located to my dome light?” Now I thought this will tell me where to find my fuse panel so I clicked on the link to find the answer and here it is exactly as it was written on the web page.

“The fuse for your dome light is located where all the other fuses are.”

I had my answer! Whooooooooaaaaa!

Things have gotten so bad that over in Manchestah, Cow Hampshire, Ronald MacDonald had to go to work for Wendy’s. Evidently Wendy’s don’t pay too good and Ronald MacDonald was caught stealing money from the restaurant safe. True story! I found it here.

Many Mainahs have some meat in their freezers for the long winter ahead but just as many ain’t got none. Me neither. I didn’t git mine neither, if you really need to know.

I tried but no cigar! I been hearin bout alot of excuses, which is always what goes on right aftah the season is ovah. That comes right aftah we finish chastising the Fish and Game Depahtment cause they don’t know a damned thing about raisin deeyah.

You’d think as much money goes into all that, I’d be able to git me a deeyah. Them biologists go to college – waste a good money I think – and then we got to pay them fellas good money to boot and still, I can’t git a deeyah.

They say the deer didn’t rut til late. Ruttin’s deeyah havin sex ya know. When that happens – kinda like me, once a yeeah – the bucks are all ovah the place lookin for them does. That’s when you can git em and git em good.

They say there was too much good food spread out all ovah the place. I guess that would be kinda like having more than one coffee shop in town. It would make it twice as hard to find somebody.

They say the weather want much good neither. I think that is a dumb excuse cause the weather ain’t never much good in Maine anywho.

Well, once I git done blamin everybody and makin all them excuses, I’ll clean up my gun, put it away and start thinkin bout next year. And you know what? I’ll probably do the same thing next yeeah that I did this yeeah. Always have. Don’t see no reason to change anything now.

For those of you who haven’t been following what’s been going on here, go here first then come back.

For those of you who have been following and for those of you who have come back:

Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas
Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas
Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas
Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas
Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas
Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus
Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus
Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus
Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus
Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus
Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa
Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa
Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa
Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa
Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa

Enough for today.

Just in case some of you might have been getting a bit confused of late, I’d like to refresh your memories about Christmas.

This is a Christmas Tree Christmas Tree

This is NOT a Christmas Tree Not a Christmas Tree

Any questions?

I knew it would only be a matter of time before some poor sunzabitch had a bitch session over the pig story.

In today’s edtion of the Bangor Daily News someone wrote a scathing letter to the editor about how insensitive and cruel the reporter was who wrote the story – good thing they didn’t read my version.

The letter writer described themselves as having tears running down their face over this story.

Come on people. Get a life. The pig was destined to become sausage a long time ago. If she hadn’t of been so damned fat, she could have gotten away. So, think about that all you fat women who want to get away from your awful husbands. If you’re going to run, get in shape first. (I don’t know of any cases where men made sausages out of their wives but there’s always a first).

Here’s a copy of the letter from the Bangor News.

Pig’s quest for freedom

Why did you end the story about the poor pig’s attempt to avoid the slaughterhouse (BDN, Nov. 15) with such a chilling comment as “While unfortunate for the pig, the incident was good for a few laughs, a few hog jokes and for breaking up an otherwise boar-ing day.”

Was it because the hopelessness of this intelligent animal’s struggle was too much for you to bear, so you had to joke about it?

Tears are running down my cheeks thinking about how she “closed her eyes” and gave up, when she was dragged back to the slaughterhouse truck. In my opinion, being a human implies having some compassion and feeling for other living beings; shame on everyone who made a joke out of this animal’s quest for freedom.

Yonkers, N.Y.

From New Yawk. Whad jew spect? Probably Vinnie’s relative.

Virgil and Florena wanted to join the church in town Andover. So, they went and visited with the pastor, Roger Righteous.

Pastor Righteous told Virgil and Florena that they would be welcomed into the church but that the church had certain standards – pre-requisites, if you will. He told the couple that to prove their worthiness to become members of the church, they would need to go home and abstain from the lusts of the flesh and not have any kind of intimate relations with each other – go with me on this, I’m trying not to say sex.

Virgil and Florena went home and about the middle of the third week, the two landed back in the office of Paster Righteous.

“What seems to be the trouble?” inquired the Paster.

“I’m afraid that we have failed to meet the standards set forth by your church,” answered Virgil.

“Can you tell me what happened that made your temptations beyond that which ye are capable of bearing?” asked Pastor Righteous.

Virgil replied, “We did okay the first week. It was extremely difficult but by our own self-discipline we were able to fend off the temptations before us.”

“You were strong in yourselves and that is good,” said the Pastor. “Then what happened?

“During the second week, our self-determination wasn’t enough. We had to pray almost continuously and read our Bible and we had all we could do to abstain”, cried Virgil.

“So far, I am quite impressed with your relentless effort to keep from succumbing to the desires of the flesh. God will reward you for that” said Pastor Righteous. “So what finally happened?”

“We got in the middle of the third week and it was just about all that either one of us could stand. We had been praying, fasting, reading our Bible and meditating but when Florena bent over to pick up a can of paint, I couldn’t control myself any longer. I had my way were her right then and there,” blurted Virgil.

Pastor Righteous disappointedly replied, “That is very unfortunate for the two of you but you realize you will not be welcomed in our church.”

“I know,” answered Virgil. “We’re not welcomed back at Dave’s Hardware Store anymore either.”

Everybody says Maine is an ODD kinda place and it certainly showed up this weekend in Rockland – oh, ayuh. Them folks down theyah went and builded themselves a Christmas tree outta lobstah traps – biggun too! Take a look!

Lobster Trap Tree

Photo from the Rockland Free Press

Maine is wicked good. Geezum crow! See them fellas hahd at wurk!

Heino–a Finn from Oxford County in western Maine–was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Heino’s neighbors were Catholic…and during Lent they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Heino, and suggested that he convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Heino attended Mass…and as the priest sprinkled holy water over Heino, he said, “You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are Catholic.”

Heino’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood.

The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Heino’s yard, clutching a Rosary and prepared to scold Heino, he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Heino, clutching a small bottle of water that he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and spoke:

“You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye!”

I bet ya didn’t know ole Virgil was an inventor – oh, ayuh! A good un too! Sometimes he invented things that some of us would consider a bit odd – like the time he invented a lycra pull-over to go over a cow’s bag in the winter.

This time Virgil’s gone and invented something that has really gone and angered many residents of the town of Andover. None of us knowed what he was a thinkin’ when he done this but he invented a new woman’s bra – an “unmentionable”, ayuh!

This bra ain’t no ordinary bra either. It completely stops a woman’s bosuumes from bouncing up and down. As a matter of fact, they won’t move a bit and to make matters even worse, he invented a new kind of fabric that no matter how cold it gets outside or what the conditions are, nothing will ever show protruding out through the cloth – if you know what I mean. Are you following me on this one?

Even Pastor Roger Righteous is upset too. He went and paid ole Virgil a visit and suggested he might need to make a recall on those things before something serious happens.

Gabby and Otis used to spend all their time sitting on the bench outside Dave’s store watching everyone coming and a going – not anymore. Virgil gone a changed life as it is known in Andover. There ain’t much left for entertainment.

What was he thinking?

Ayuh, that’s what they were! Let’s start from the beginning – like where in the heck else would any sane person begin a story.

Being alive is a remarkable thing – the alternative isn’t too great though. Today I ended up taking a long walk. Wasn’t planning to but you know how plans go.

The walk ended up being nearly two miles – that’s city miles not country miles. I was almost at the end of my forced walk when I came upon three women (there could possibly be some debate as to whether or not they were actually women).

One woman spoke up and asked me if I had a quarter. I responded that I was broke and set about turning my pants pockets inside out as proof – like I somehow needed proof. Geez, I’m a softie I guess.

The woman came back with, “You don’t look broke!”

What I want to know is what a person looks like who is or isn’t broke? But I may have gotten my question answered before I had a chance to ask myself.

“You look like a pimp!” was her next comment.

HUH??? What the &@$#%%!*! I look like a pimp? I quickly glanced up and down and took into account what I was wearing – Khaki Dockers, and navy blue pocket T-Shirt from Wal-Mart (actually, everything I was wearing was Wal-Mart), a blue fleece jacket and white Adidas sneakers. Oh, now I see! It must have been the white sneakers.

Well, hell! I’m rich. No actually I’m a pimp! Whatever.

I retorted to the woman, “Give me a break! A pimp?” and do you know what she said? – “You got those nice white shoes. You must be a pimp.” (Time to lose the shoes)

“If I were rich, would I be walking?”, I asked.

“How do I know you ain’t walking to get your ride now?” she inquired.

“You win!”, I said. “My Caddy is parked around the corner. I’ll go get it and bring you the money I have hidden in my glove box.”

And away I went. When I got home I promptly went into the bathroom and stared into the mirror. Then I stepped back into the bedroom and eyed myself up and down in the full-length mirror. A pimp? Rich? I think the last thing I would want anybody to think of me was a pimp and the second to last thing would be rich.

Being alive is cool ain’t it. As Forrest – Forrest Gump would say, “Life is like a box a chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get.”