I would like to wish all my humor lovers a Happy New Year. This past year has been a funny one and let’s hope next year will be even funnier.

Always remember to find humor in everything. It is very healing. Even when you can’t laugh and find the humor, have faith because in time, you will. We have all experienced it and we’ve all come back to the laughter.

Keep laughing and let’s hope the new year brings many good jokes.

Tom Remington

How much would you pay for a pound of coffee? Me, I wouldn’t give a rat’s behind for any coffee. But wait. I might be onto something!

Would you pay $175 for a pound of the world’s most expenses coffee? Some people would and guess which state in the U.S. buys the most? Go ahead, guess. I’ll give you a hint. Coffee starts out as a bean – well not really. I’ll explain in a minute. A bean resembles a nut and where do we find the most “fruits and nuts”? Quackifornia!!!!

But get this. This $175 a pound coffee comes from the butt of an animal called a palm civet found in Indonesia. The furry little creature, about the size of an average house cat, climbs up in a coffee tree or bush or whatever to hell you call them, and eats the coffee cherries – that’s what they call them.

Once eaten the coffee bean inside the cherry is passed through the little fellas south end of his digestive track – called a butt hole. Then the bean is collected and sold as the world’s most expensive coffee.

This shit (sorry, couldn’t help myself) is called Kopi Luwak coffee and they say the flavor is quite enhanced. Well, I’d say it was but not to my liking.

Do you think I’m full of ……. well never mind. If you don’t believe me, here is a link to the story straight from Yahoo! News. And we know it’s true. I found it on the web.

Tell that to Ed Lorenz! He bowled. He died.

So the next time someone tries to tell you that bowling is for sissys, tell them about this fella.

Ayuh! That’s true. I heard one time a long time ago that Otis used to be married. I’ve told you before about the old man, well into his 70s, getting married for the first time and when asked why he waited so long to tie the knot he answered, “This way, if I get a bad one I don’t have to live with her too long.”

Otis didn’t take that advice. As a matter of fact he was relatively young when he got married – or so the rumor goes. It is also a rumor that Otis used to drive a car. No one is sure whether or not he actually had a license but here’s how the story goes and maybe the story explains why Otis isn’t married today and why he doesn’t drive either.

Otis was driving down the East Andover road one day and he was going considerably above the speed limit. He looked in his mirror and saw one of Maine’s Finest State Troopers gaining on him. At first Otis figured he could outrun the trooper and he got his car going about 95 miles an hour – that’s pretty fast considering he was driving a 1951 Chevrolet.

Finally, Otis knew he couldn’t outrun him so he pulled over. The trooper approached the car and said to Otis, “I’m on my way home. My shift is over in about 5 minutes and I really don’t want to write you out a ticket. I’ll tell you what. You give me an excuse that I’ve never heard before in my 15 years as a State Policeman, and I’ll let you go without a ticket.”

You know Otis never skipped a beat. He looked right at the officer and exclaimed in a thick Maine accent, “Ayuh, 3 days ago my wife ran off with a State Troopah and when I saw you comin’ up behind me, I thought you was bringin’ her back!”

With that, the trooper let Otis go.

Virgil had a problem. Actually he had several problems but the one problem that was really beginning to get to Florena was Virgil never wanted to try anything different when it came to activities between the sheets. You see Florena is kind of a dominant sort of woman if you know what I mean. She pretty much rules the roost and Virgil generally comes quietly when called.

But there was this one issue of which really tore Florena up. Because of her controlling ways, she wants to be on top – work with me on this and picture what I’m saying but don’t picture it too hard. Virgil was very stubborn about this one thing and Florena was determined she was going to have her way.

Unbeknownst to poor ole Virgil, Florena scheduled an appointment with the shrink in town, Dr. Pearsall. When the day came, the two showed up on Dr. Pearsall’s doorstep and Virgil was not a very happy man.

The doctor suggested that first he should talk with Florena alone and then with Virgil alone and then finish the session with both of them together. Florena headed into the doctor’s office and left Virgil in the lobby.

The doctor and Florena exchanged small talk for a moment and then the doctor jumped right in. “What seems to be the problem,” asked the doctor?

Florena answered a bit shyly, “Well, when my husband and I are in bed together, I want to be on top but Virgil insists that he won’t do that.”

“I see,” replied Dr. Pearsall. “Is there anything else about Virgil that bothers you?”

“Well, yeah there are a couple of other things that bother me about Virgil,” said Florena.

“Tell me about them,” insisted the doctor.

“Well,” Florena hesitated. “I think that often Virgil works too much. Sometimes I can never get him to come in and spend any time with me. He is always doing something. If I didn’t know any better, I would say he was avoiding me.”

“I see,” said the doctor as he scribbled down some notes. “You said there were a couple of things. What is the other?”

“Well,” Florena was beginning to enjoy this bitch session and was feeling like maybe she ought to just spill her guts. “Virgil picks his nose everywhere he goes. Not just at home or out in the barn. He picks his nose no matter where we are. One day we were eating lunch over at Dave’s Store and Virgil was picking his nose in front of everybody.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the doctor somewhat shocked. “Well, that seems like plenty to work with right now. Why don’t you go out and send Virgil in.”

So, Florena went out feeling really good about her few costly minutes with Dr. Pearsall. When she got to the lobby she told Virgil to go in and make it fast because this was costing them alot of money.

Virgil entered the doctor’s office and sat down and again, the doctor exchanged some small talk with Virgil and then jumped right in, “Florena has three things she says really bothers her about you. I’m going to tell you about them and then see if there is anything about Florena that bothers you. Okay?”

Virgil nodded his head.

“Florena says you work too hard,” the doctor stated thinking he would leave the sex problem for last as they are always the most difficult to deal with. “Is this true, Virgil? And do you feel as though you could work a bit less and spend a little more time with Florena?”

“I guess I could do that,” said Virgil.

“She also says that you insist on picking your nose everywhere you go – even in public places. Is this true?” asked the doctor.

“Yeah, I guess so,” replied Virgil.

“Do you think, Virgil, that you could limit your nose picking to only those times when there is nobody else around?” asked the doctor.

“Yeah, I guess I could do that,” answered Virgil.

“This is great!” exclaimed Dr. Pearsall. “We are making some real progress here. There is only one more thing. Florena says that when the two of you are in bed together, she wants to be on top sometimes when you are having sex. Is this true, Virgil?” quizzed the doctor.

“Yeah, I guess so,” replied Virgil.

“Do you think, Virgil, that you could let Florena get on top once in a while? It sure would make her happy,” insisted the doctor.

Much to the doctor’s surprise, Virgil piped in, “Absolutely not! A man has to draw the line somewhere!”

Dr. Pearsall was really surprised at Virgils sudden shift in demeanor. He had been so quiet and agreeable. Now he was very insistant and loud.

“Well, Virgil,” asked the doctor. “Why is this such a difficult thing for you? You seemed so agreeable about working less and picking you nose in private but why this?”

“There’s somethings a man just can’t do,” exclaimed Virgil being very animated and raising his voice too. “My father taught me well when I was young and he made me promise something before he died.”

“Oh, I see,” said the doctor now quite curious and also realizing he probably had a one-of-a-kind sitting in his office at the moment. “And just what did you promise your dearly departed father anyway, Virgil?”

“My father told me to promise him I would always remember his philosphy on life,” answered Virgil. “He told me of the three things that will make a man successful in this world and if I always practiced them to the fullest, I would become somebody.”

“What are those three things, Virgil, that would make you feel this way?” asked the doctor.

“He said that if you work hard, keep your nose clean and don’t screw up, you’ll be a big success,” stated Virgil.

Virgil had a donkey named Earl. Earl was getting old and sometimes he acted like he was lost. This bothered Virgil some. One day Virgil couldn’t find Earl. He searched everywhere until he heard a noise coming from over by the old well.

Virgil approached the old well and looked down inside only to find Earl in quite a predicament. Virgil didn’t know how he was ever going to get his ass out of the well. He tried several things to no avail. Finally, Virgil realized there was no way he was going to get his ass out of this mess, so he rode up to his neighbor’s house and got John to come give him a hand.

The two returned to find Earl still down in the well and making quite a loud noise. Earl wanted out in the worst way.

Virgil went to get John to help him bury the donkey. He decided that Earl was too old anyway and he never used the old well anymore, so he figured he might as well fill in the well with his ass in it. So, Virgil and John began shoveling dirt in on top of ole Earl.

At first Earl was making a whole lot of noise. He obviously did not like having the dirt shoveled in on top of him. Over time Earl quieted down. Virgil became curious, so he looked down into the well. He noticed that everytime John would throw a shovel full of dirt on Earl, he would just shake the dirt off and let it fall around him. He then would step up onto the new dirt. The more they shoveled the more Earl would shake off the dirt and step up onto the new dirt.

Virgil instructed John to shovel faster and soon both John and Virgil were shoveling dirt faster than a State crew backhoe. In about a half hour, Earl finally stepped up out of the well and ran off as John and Virgil stood watching in shock and amazure.

Now, there is a good moral to this story. When life throws a bunch of dirt on you, just shake it off, take a step up and keep on going even when things seem as bad as they can get. Nice, huh?

Well, that would be good but that’s not how the story goes. You see, when Earl ran off he was mad as hell. He was mad to think that Virgil tried to bury him alive.

Awhile later as Virgil was finishing up his job, Earl came running up behind him and bit him right on the buttocks real hard. It sure surprised the heck out of Virgil. He went in the house and had Florena that a look at it and make sure it was okay.

Well, over time that gash where Earl took a big chunk of Virgil’s butt got infected and Virgil nearly died. Thank God for modern medicine. It saved Virgil’s life.

Now, the real moral to the story. When you screw up and try to cover your ass, it will come back and bite you.

It is no secret, or maybe it is, that I despise cell phones – driving distractions, “cell yell”, etc. and what the hell does everyone have to say that is that important?

Anyway, be thankful you ain’t in Korea. Now you are going to receive legal notices, like “you’ve just been indicted” via text messaging. Ain’t this great. Go ahead keep enabling them SOBs to use cell phones to track and no everything about you.

And I’ll bet it’s the cell phone users who are the first to bitch and moan about the right to privacy! Ppppffffttt!

UPDATE!! UPDATE!! Now if the above story wasn’t quite enough for you to make you have at least a semblance of a second thought about cell phones, how about this dandy. From the Fox News, a woman got into a fight with her boyfriend about the phone so she decided to SWALLOW it!! UMMMHAAAA, that’s right. You whackos! Take that you, you, you wicked cell phone user.

I would like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

In case you hadn’t noticed, I have a new look to the Black Fly Blog. There is a reason. I changed software to run the blog. I don’t know the reason but perhaps some of you when trying to open the Black Fly Blog or even Laugh Maine, may not have been able to. This is because of low life scum of the earth spammers who nothing better to do with their lives.

It was 90% porn sites attempting to place their links all over the site. This got to be the case so much so that often the site was rendered useless. This new software has some built in spam protection with it so hopefully it will do the trick. I also moved the sight to a server that my son and I own all by our lonesomes. That should help speed the site up as well.

Merry Christmas to all my readers and Happy New Year. Thank you for you comments, and support throughout the past couple of years.

Mainard True
a.k.a. Tom Remington

Usually by this time, I’ve ranted and raved about all the commercialism of Christmas – yada yada yada. All I managed this year was an “in your face” attack on those who want to attack the Christmas holiday.

Fear not. I won’t let you down. Here’s my beaf!

There are always some extremely obnoxious commercials running on TV that make us all want to vomit – of course unless you’re one of them that find them good. Then you’re a loser.

Last year it was two commercials. “Santa baby” bullpucky ads for whatever that import store was with a very fat whatever her name was. And also the car commercials – too numerous to mention but the one where the dumb blonde comes into the living room and there’s a Lexus sitting in the middle of the living room and she wants to know how hubby got the big bow on the car — puuuukkkeee!!

Most of the car ads featured him and her having sex on the front lawn or middle of the living room floor, in their pretend excitement. Really, either I am just too far from the real world or they are.

Here I sit contemplating all day. Do I buy the wife a Sears and Roebuck sweater that’s on sale or a new Jaguar (pronounced by the uppety bitch narrating the commercial as Jag You Arrrrrr. Geez, get it right.

But this year, there is no real competition and the winner goes to Honda. Oh, yeah! “Happy Honda Days” etc. etc. Totally obnoxious and worthy of the bag of hurl award.

So that’s pretty much my bitch session about Christmas ads. What’s next? Hmmm? Valentines?

Little Freddie Fitzgerald entered 3rd grade at Andover Elementary School. It was quite a feat for everyone – more so for Freddie considering he just turned 13.

It was late in the year and as we all know, the attention span on kids of any age shortens drastically the closer they get to summer vacation. Ms. Meisner was Freddie’s teacher and she was struggling to find ways to get the kids attention and get them to cooperate in some learning activities. She came up with a brilliant plan – no, not wearing limberger cheese on her head.

She announced to her class that she was going to begin to recite famous quotes from famous people and anyone who could correctly be the first to tell the class who said it, could go home early.

Ms. Meisner began to read, “Today shall be a day that shall live in infamy”.

Immediately Betty jumps up and yells, “Franklin Roosevelt!” and Ms. Meisner sent her home. Freddie was upset he didn’t get the answer sooner because he really wanted out of there.

Next the teacher read, “Ask not what your country can do for you…” and another girl Judy yells out, “John F. Kennedy!”

“Very good”, said Ms. Meisner. “You may go home.”

Freddie was really mad and says, “Why don’t those girls just shut up.”

At that moment, Ms. Meisner asks, “Who said that. I want to know right now!”

That’s when Freddie stood up and said, “Bill Clinton. I’ll see you next week!”

Otis and Gabby went on a hunting safari to Africa one time….. What are you crazy! The two of them idiots have never left the town of Andover. I’m not sure they know where Andover is – not that there are many people in the world who do.

I have to warn you people again that I am not a touchy-feely kind of person and I like to laugh at a lot of things. I don’t like laughing at crude, disgusting and raunchy things though (albiet that is subjective) but I can find some humor in accidents – like maybe involving animals.

You got to remember that with today’s technology, alot can be done with some video. That being said, here’s a look at an antelope headed across the Sarenghetti Plains in Africa. The whole episode reminds me of what I see driving around these days with so many people talking on cell phones and attempting to navigate their automobiles.

You take a look.

Oh, man! I have some pretty sick family members. I was sent this one this morning by a family member – who shall continue to remain anonymous.

Where croissants come from.

I was sent this comical sketch this morning that I thought I would share with you. For you extreme animal lovers, see if you can actually find some humor in this – okay?
Cats

How to give your pet a pill:

CATS:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to partner’s forearm and immediately remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin’ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy-duty pruning loves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop at furniture shop on way home to pick out new table.

15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat. Call local pet shop to see if they have hamsters.

DOGS:

1. Wrap pill in bacon.

Ever Wonder Where Croissants Come From

Oh, man! I have some pretty sick family members. I was sent this one this morning by a family member – who shall continue to remain anonymous.

Where croissants come from.