Otis went over across the street to get an ice cream. The reason he went really was to see the new girl the owner had hired just to sell ice cream. Anyone who knows Otis, knows he wouldn’t spend a red cent on anything, no less and ice cream.

He got over to the counter and asked the girl as he eyed her all over, “What kind of flavors do ya got?”

Very politely the girl says, “Vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.” And just then she tried to clear her through and patted her chest and throat area.

“Oh, do you have laryngitis?” asked Otis.

“Nope,” answered the young girl. “Only vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.”

Almost!

Otis and Gabby were sitting on the bandstand in Andover minding their own business, when a little girl came walking along the sidewalk. Otis thought it a bit strange that she should be all by herself.

“Hey, little girl! What are you doing all by yourself?” asked Otis.

“I’m going to mail a Valentines card to someone.” said the little girl. “Want to see it?”

“Sure,” replied Otis.

So, the little girl opened the envelope and took out the Valentine. Otis noticed right away that the card was addressed to Osama Bin Laden. Otis was somewhat angry and surprised.

“Why are you sending a Valentine card to that man?” Otis asked.

“Do you think God will be mad at me for sending someone a Valentine’s card because I am Jewish?” she asked Otis. “I know St. Valentine is a Christian saint and I don’t want God to be mad at me.”

“Nah!” said Otis. “I think God will understand but why are you sending that evil man a Valentine card?”

“I thought that if a little girl like me from America sent him a Valentine card he might think that not all Americans are bad people. Maybe he could learn to love other people. If all my friends decided to send him a Valentine card then maybe he could learn how to love people instead of hurting others. Then if everyone sent him a Valentine card he would come out of hiding and start loving everyone.”

“Wow!” exclaimed Otis. “That’s really special.”

“Yeah,” the little girl responded. “And if we can draw him out into the open, Dick Cheney can shoot the son-of-a-bitch!”

Otis was hitchhiking back from Rumford on day and a car stopped to offer him a ride. Otis got in the back seat with another gentlemen and off they went. There were two guys in the front.

The driver says, “I’m from New York. This here’s John and he’s from Nebraska. Back there with you is Arthur and he’s from Idaho.”

Not long after the introductions, the guy from Idaho opens up his duffle bag that was  sitting on the floor in front of him. He pulled out some potatos and threw them out the window.

“What did you do that for?” asked the guy from Nebraska.

“I’m sick of potatos,” said the Idahoan. “Everywhere I look at home there are potatos and I don’t want to see them anymore.”

With that, the Nebraskan open his duffle bag and began throwing ears of corn out the window saying, “Well, I’m sick of corn. Everywhere I look there’s corn. I don’t want to see corn anymore.”

And with that, Otis opened the car door and kicked them all out.

Doesn’t happen but once a year, but Virgil and Florena decided they would go out for a special breakfast. This year they opted for Teena’s Restaurant in Rumford. They got up early and drove over to Rumford in the old pick-up truck.

The two walked in and sat down. They couldn’t help but notice the sign out front that read, “The Best Breakfast in Town”.

Pretty soon, a waitress came by to take their order. Virgil order up his and the waitress turned to Florena to get her order.

“And what can I get for the missus this morning?” asked the skinny, buck-toothed, cigarette sucking waitress.

Florena began, “I’d like two eggs. One I want cooked so much that you can’t cut it with a fork. The other one I would like so that the white of the egg has barely had a chance to turn white from cooking. In other words very runny. I would also like four strips of bacon about room temperature and cooked so crisp you nearly break your teeth when you try to bite it. Give me two pieces of toast. It doesn’t matter what kind but it should be burned black and so dried out that when you touch it, it disintegrates. Oh, and make sure the butter is straight from the freezer so it’s impossible to spread. Finally, bring me a cup of coffee that’s luke warm and tastes like the oil from my husbands old truck out there. I guess that will do it.”

“Ma’am,” said the waitress. “We can’t prepare your food like that.”

“Hmmm,” mused Florena. “You did last year!”

It is no secret that Otis believes he is perhaps the most intelligent human species in Andover – and he just might be.

One day Gabby says to Otis, “There are dogs all over my neighborhood and I can’t get to sleep. I’m exhausted. What should I do?”

Surprisingly, Otis reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out some pills. “These are the most powerful sleeping pills they make. Try these.”

A few days went by and Otis was sitting in front of Marston’s Garage drinking a coke he had weaseled out of Gary, when Gabby showed up.

“Geez, Gabby!” Otis said. “You look like hell.”

“Oh, man,” said Gabby. “I’m more tired now than ever. I don’t know what I’m going to do about them dogs.”

“Geez, Gabby!” replied Otis. “Did you try those sleeping pills I gave ya?”

“Ya, I did,” said Gabby. “But by the time I chased down one of them dogs, I couldn’t get him to swallow the damned pill!”

I’ve told you before that Otis sometimes wears a hearing aid. He is really self-conscious it but is starting to get used to the idea.

One day he and Gabby met in front of Mill’s Market and took up their perches on the milk crates out front.

Otis said to Gabby, “I got this new hearing aid the other day while I was down in Rumford. This thing is so good and powerful, it says on the package I can hear a pin drop 50 feet away.”

“Wow!” said Otis. “What kind is it?”

“Ah, it’s 2:30″

There was a family from Scotland moved into the old Hutchinson house just the other side of the Andover Town Common. Otis and Gabby were wiling away the hours one day when all of a sudden they heard a loud shreik.

Within a couple of seconds, the lady from Scotland coming running out of her house yelling for help. Otis and Gabby went to investigate.

“What seems to be the problem, lady?” asked Otis.

Panting very hard and trying to find the words, the woman says in her thick Scottish brogue, “Aye, gents! There’s a big moose in my kitchen.”

“A moose in your kitchen?” yelled Otis. “How did a moose get in your kitchen?”

“Don’t know!” the lady says. “Can you get em out there?”

Otis and Gabby crossed the street and headed up the driveway not knowing what to expect. As they approached the back door that lead into the kitchen, Otis and Gabby stopped to listen. Expecting to hear crashing and banging with a moose being in this lady’s kitchen, they heard nothing.

They opened the door and went in. They looked all around and saw nothing.

“There ain’t no moose in here lady!” exclaimed Otis. And with that the lady came in the back door to see for herself.

She slowly looked around and suddenly out from behind the garbage can, a little mouse appeared. The lady shreiked once again and yelled to Otis and Gabby, “Oh, get that moose out of me kitchen!”

Otis and Gabby were sitting in the bandstand on the Andover Common one day not doing much of anything. Bizarre huh?

Gabby says to Otis, “I been doing some exercises to make my arms stronger.”

“Why in hell would you want to do that for?” asked Otis.

“I saw on TV the other day a story about a guy who was trying to lose weight and get healthy,” said Otis. “I heard him telling about what he does so I thought I’d try it out.”

“You’re an idiot!” said Otis. “So, what kind of exercises you doing?”

“First,” explained Gabby. “I started by putting a 5 lb. potato sack in each hand. Then I slowly raise my arms up level with my shoulders. I hold them there are long as I can. The man said after I get so I can hold them for over a minute, I should try two 10 lb. sacks.”

“Have you got there yet?” asked Otis.

“Oh, ayuh!” exclaimed Gabby. “I then used two 10 lb. sacks and after that I went to two 50 lb sacks and now I’m using two 100 lb. sacks.”

“You mean to tell me that you can take two 100 lb. potato sacks and hold them out level with your shoulders for over one minute?” asked Otis obviously disbelieving.

“Oh, ayuh!” said Otis. “I think I’m ready for the next bigger weight.”

“Well, what weight is that?” asked Otis.

“After doing the 100 lb. sacks,” said Gabby. “The man said try using two potatos.”

Gabby rode his bicycle into the dumpster behind the town hall the other night on his way home. He got banged up pretty good and went to the doctor to be taken care of. Before Gabby left the doctors, the secretary said to Gabby, “Sir, your insurance company is on the telephone and they refuse to pay for the doctor’s bills.”

Gabby didn’t know what to do, so he took the telephone to speak with the person on the other end from the insurance company.

“Hello,” said Gabby. “Why won’t you cover this appointment?”

The person on the other end answered, “Sir, we feel that anyone who would ride their bicycle into a dumpter in the middle of the day is pretty damned stupid and we consider that a pre-existing condition.”

Otis and Gabby were sitting on a park bench in the middle of the Andover Common when a very pregnant woman walked by. She was breathing hard and it was obvious that she, because of her condition, was having a very difficult time of it.

As she nears to where Otis and Gabby are sitting she says, “Don’t mind me! I’m in my second trimester.”

“Oh,” says Gabby. “And which college is that at?”

Old Fred Staples lives up in North Andover past the Andover Wood Products Mill. He don’t get out much but one thing he does do is get his yearly physical from the doctor. Fred outlived his regular doctor, so he had an appointment to see a new one.

After the doctor checked him all over, he meets Fred again in the examining room and tells Fred he is as healthy as any man he’d ever seen.

“As a matter of fact, Mr. Staples,” said the doctor. “Your so healthy at age 80 you just might live forever. How old was your father when he died?’

“Did I say he was dead?” asked old Fred.

The doctor stood frozen in disbelief. He says to Fred, “Well, then! How old was your grandfather when he died?”

“Did I say he was dead?” answered Fred once again.

The doctor was completely shocked and didn’t know what to say. He finally blurted out, “You mean to tell me that you are 80 years old and both your father and grandfather are still alive?”

“Ayuh,” said Fred. “And not only that, grandfather is 126 years old and he’s getting married for the first time next week.”

“Are you kidding me?” said the doctor. “After all these years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married now?”

“Did I say he wanted to?” replied Fred.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto Wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?”
The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.”
“What that tell you?” asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically Speaking”, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What’s it tell you, Tonto?”
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, “Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo shit. Somebody stole tent.”

We know St. Patrick’s Day is just around the corner, so to get you warmed up for the great event, here’s a few Irish humor jokes.

*WARNING* Some of these are worse than any Otis or Gabby could tell!

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me IrishWhiskey”.