One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up — fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy”.

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”

“No,” the boy said, “He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helpinto secure the nomination of Hillary Clinton, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.”

No matter how you align yourself, it is funny. It’s almost wicked good!

Virgil’s old pick-up truck gave up the ghost one day and so Virgil went with Florena to find something else to buy for a vehicle. Virgil was looking for any old piece of junk truck like his old one. The cheaper the better, but Florena seemed to have something different on her mind.

Everytime Virgil would find a truck he liked, Florena would tell him that wasn’t good enough. Virgil was confused because Florena normally didn’t care one way or the other. She didn’t drive and the other old truck they had was the only vehicle they had ever owned in 37 years of married bliss.

Finally Virgil began to lose his patience. “What the hell is it you want?” he yelled.

“Don’t you yell at me you son-of-a-bitch!” she yelled back at him. “Half of this damned vehicle is mine and I’ll have my say in what that half is gonna be!”

“Fine!” said Virgil and went over and sat down in a chair outside the used car sales office.

After a bit, Florena came over to Virgil and said, “You know, I think I want something different than a damned old truck. We’ve never had anything different than a damned old truck. I want something flashy – something with style. I want something that’s fast and has a big engine. As a matter of fact you cheap son-of-a-bitch, I want something that will go from 0-200 in seconds.”

With that, Virgil lead Florena over to Mills’ Market and bought her a set of scales. Nobody saw Virgil for months after that.

Andover has a post office. Did you know that? Oh, yeah. It sits right on the corner of Main Street and School Street. There’s one employee who is the postmaster, postal clerk, sorter, foreman and janitor all wrapped up in one. Please don’t go to Andover and tell anyone there. They don’t know that postal employees don’t have to do all that stuff.

Gabby walked into the post office one day. He usually snuck in because he didn’t want Otis to know he stopped by there quite often before taking up his perch at the bandstand, Mills Market or Marston’s Garage.

He went in one morning to see how Lorena Simmons the postmaster was doing. They chatted for a while and both Lorena and Gabby noticed old man Cutting over in the corner licking and placing stamps on a whole bunch of letters.

Gabby looked at Lorena and Lorena winked at Gabby and said, “I sold him 1,000 “Love” stamps to go on his bright pink envelopes.”

“Whatever for?” asked Gabby.

“He asked for them,” replied Lorena. “What was I to do?”

“No, No!” said Gabby. “What does he need love stamps for and pink envelopes? He’s a lawyer.”

The two stood there dying to find out what was going on, when old man cutting reached into his satchell and pulled a spray bottle of perfume. He began to lightly spray all 1,000 envelopes.

Gabby couldn’t take it any longer and walked over to see old man Cutting. “What are you doing sticking love stamps on pink envelopes and spraying them with perfume? And look at this card here that you forgot to put in that envelope. It says, “From: Guess Who?” What are you doing?”

Old man Cutting sneared and drooled all at the same time and then told Gabby, “Look, Sonny! I’m an old man. I’m a divorce lawyer and business ain’t too good.”

It would be an understatement to say that Virgil and Florena didn’t get out much. There was virtually nothing the two of them ever needed to leave the farm for except an occassional trip into Andover for a few things.

One day Virgil left his farm in North Andover and traveled in his old pick-up truck to Bethel to see Dick Carter about some special feed he was giving his cows. On the return trip to Andover, Virgil stopped at the A&P Store on lower main street to get a couple items he thought Florena would enjoy. You know, trinkets from the city.

As he passed down one aisle he stopped and looked directly into a mirror. Virgil had never seen a mirror before, so as he stared into it,he was aghast at the notion that this fancy supply store in Bethel, Maine would have a portrait of his father for sale.

Virgil figured he better buy it as he never had a picture of his father before.

When Virgil got home, he parked the old pick-up truck out at the end of Sawyer Brook Road and commenced his walk into the farm. On the way in, it struck him and he remembered Florena never did like his father much at all. He thought he better not show Florena the picture.

Virgil snuck into the barn and hung the mirror up on the wall just inside the area leading to the milking room. He knew Florena almost never came into that part of the barn.

Everyday Virgil would get up just a minute or two earlier so he could spend a little bit of time looking at his father’s picture. Well, Florena began to get suspicious of what ole Virgil was up to.

One day Florena got up before Virgil and headed out into the barn to see what it was that was so dang interesting that he had to leave for the barn early every morning. Florena got looking all around. When she came around the corner and spotted the mirror hanging on the wall, she looked into and said, “So, this is the old ugly squaw he’s been coming out here to see in the mornings!”

Otis and Gabby were skinnin a mule! Not really but I thought you were expecting me to say they were sitting out in front of Mill’s Market, so I changed it up a bit.

After they finished skinnin a mule, the moved around to the front of Mill’s Market and sat down on two milk crates to take a break. Otis and Gabby began a bunch of small talk, when a gust of wind came up and blew a large piece of newspaper into the side of Gabby. Otis grabbed the paper and looked at it. It was the front page of the Rumford Falls Times bi-annual newspaper (hard to believe a newspaper would publish just twice a year isn’t it? There’s so little news, what do you expect?)

Otis flipped the paper around and began reading a story on the front page to Gabby. It was about a store down on Congress St. in Rumford that got broken into by thieves. They stole all kinds of things.

Gabby says to Otis, “How come Mill’s Market here ain’t never been broke into?”

“That’s easy,” said Otis. “It’s because of Lazarus.”

“Who the hell is Lazarus?” quizzed Gabby.

“Lazarus the Parrot,” said Otis and he set out to tell Gabby the story of Lazarus the parrot.

One night a burglar broke into the back of Mill’s store. The burglar was filling up his loot bag when he heard a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.”

The thief froze in his tracks and turned off his miniature light. He waited for some time and didn’t hear anything, so he figured he must have been hearing things.

He went back to work loading up the cigarettes and twinkies, when all of a sudden he heard it again, “Jesus is watching you!”

He then began looking around the store trying to figure out who was there. He shown his light toward the front of the store and on a perch sat a big ole parrot. The burglar looked at the parrot and asked, “Did you say that?”

“Yup,” said Lazarus. “I did.”

“What are you some kind of watch parrot or something?” laughed the criminal. “Who are you anyway?’

“I’m Lazarus,” said the parrot. “I’m trying to warn you.”

“Warn me about what?” asked the crook. “Jesus?”

“That’s right,” said Lazarus. “I’m trying to warn you about Jesus.”

“Oh, man! That’s stupid!” said the burglar. “What kind of fool would name their parrot Lazarus?”

Lazarus replied, “The same fool who named his Rottweiler, Jesus!”

Otis and Gabby got up real early one morning and headed up to South Arm to do some fishing at Richardson Lake. They had a great time and the fishing was too good. Otis and Gabby had more than their share.

As they were getting ready to leave, they were both stopped by a game warden, Norm Lewis from down in the West Paris area, with two ice chests full of fish. Norm asked the two, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”

“No, sir, we ain’t got no licenses, uh uh”, said Otis. “What do I need a license for? These here are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?” said the game warden.

“Ya.. Every night me and Gabby here, we bring these fish up to the lake and let them swim ’round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into the ice chest and I take them home.”

“That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that!” says Mr. Lewis.

Otis looked at Gabby and Gabby looked at Otis, who then looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, “It’s the truth Mr. Government man, I’ll show you. It really works.”

“Okay,” said the game warden, ” I’ve GOT to see this!”

Otis poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, “Well?”

“Well, what?” said Otis.

The warden said, “When are you going to call them back?”

Otis said, “Call who back?”

“The FISH!” replied the warden.

“What fish?” answered Otis.