While Otis and Gabby were sitting on the bandstand on the Andover town common, they overheard two women arguing over whose dog was smarter. One woman says to the other, “My dog is so smart, he sits by the window watching for the paper boy to come and then he runs outside to get the paper and brings it to me.”

“Yeah, I know,” replied the second woman.

“How do you know that?” asked the first woman.

“My dog told me,” she answered.

Andover’s a tiny place you see and there is only one church building in town but there are people there of different faiths. Being that Yankees are creative and independent, it was decided at a town meeting one year that one church and one preacher would suffice all comers of different faiths.

The town had their hands full when they went looking for someone who could be a Baptist preacher, a Father, a Rabbi and an Evangalist all rolled into one. Enter Father M.O. Lester.

Father Lester’s first job was to raise money for the church/parrish/sanctuary/tent/whatever fit the bill. Knowing that Andover was a small and poor community, he figured it would be impossible to garner the necessary funds from the locals. He sought other ways.

He heard that racehorses were a quick and easy way to make money, so Father M.O. Lester began looking for a racehorse. After shopping around it didn’t take him long to discover that good racehorses were expensive and the parrish only had a few dollars to invest. He decided to make do with what he had for money and bought a donkey.

The following Saturday night Father M.O. Lester entered the donkey in the races at Scarborough Downs and much to his and everyone else’s surprise, the donkey finished third.

Mike Daniels, editor of the thriving metropolis of Bethel’s newspaper, the Citizen got wind of the event and printed a headline on the front page of Thursday’s paper:

Father M.O. Lester’s Ass Shows

Father Lester was some tickled to think he had made the parrish some money, so he entered the donkey in the races again the following Saturday. Mike Daniels was following the story very closely and when the donkey won his race, the Bethel Citizen ran this headline”

Father M.O. Lester’s Ass Out in Front

The Bishop over in Lewiston heard about the races and was given copies of the newspapers. He was so upset about the awful publicity and bad headlines, he order Father M.O. Lester to not enter the donkey in any more races.

Mike Daniels being the Pulitzer Prize winning journalist that he wished he was, found out about the Bishop’s orders and countered with a scathing new headline:

Bishop Scratches Father M.O. Lester’s Ass

The Bishop was aghast and his heart nearly skipped a beat. He immediately called Father Lester on the phone and told him to get rid of the donkey as fast as he could. He couldn’t take it any longer.

Not knowing quite what to do, Father M.O. Lester traveled to Lewiston with the donkey and found a nice nun that worked at Saint Mary’s Hospital. He gave her the donkey.

Mike Daniels, still following the story and hoping to get his name in the lights himself, and knowing the Father had a prize possession in that donkey, posted the following headline on the next issue of the Bethel Bellyache (Citizen):

Nun Has Best Ass In Town

The Bishop passed out this time. Once he recovered, he found the nun and told her she would have to get rid of the donkey once and for all. In her search to find someone willing to buy the donkey, she found herself traveling back to Andover with the animal and ended up selling the donkey to Virgil, up at the end of the Sawyer Brook Road. She got $10.00 for it.

Being right on top of things once again, Daniels printed the following headline:

Nun Peddles Ass For Ten Bucks

They buried the Bishop on the third day!

(My father plays dominos better than your father plays dominos)

Needless to say, Father M.O. Lester is still looking for ways to raise some cash.

The Andover barber shop sits right on Main Street almost across the street from the Curiousity Shop. The barber is Sam Fox. He’s been the barber for quite some time and before that his father Slim Fox owned it and before that his grandfather Sy Fox had it.

One day Sam was working away cutting hair and this new fella in town stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a hair cut?” Sam told him it would be about two hours, so the man left.

A few days later while Foxey was cutting hair, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a hair cut?”

Sam looked around the shop and says, “Be about two hours.” and the guy left again.

A few more days passed and Sam was still cutting hair when the same guy came into the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a hair cut?”

Once again Sam looked around and says, “Be about two hours.” and the guy left.

This time Sam looks over at Otis and Gabby and says, “Hey, you two! Go follow that guy and find out where he goes all the time after asking about a hair cut and leaving. I’m curious.”

Otis and Gabby got up and headed out the door. In about 15 minutes they returned laughing their foolish heads off.

“What’s so funny?” asked Sam. “Did you find out where that guy was going?”

“Yeah,” said Otis. “Your house!”

Otis and Gabby don’t cotton to much to them outtastatahs. As a matter of fact every chance they got they like to play some practical jokes on em.

One day the two amigos were sitting on their favorite milk crates out front of Mills’ Market when some dude sporting Massachussets license plates pulled up in front. He left his car running and went in the store. Quickly Otis jumped in the car and drove it around back and hid it. He and Gabby snuck in the back door so they could watch what was about to happen.

The guy left the store and in seconds came running back in the store with a .44 magnum in his hand. Otis and Gabby were some surprised but not as surprised as Roger, the store owner.

“My car’s been stolen and I ain’t leaving here until I get it back!” the flatlander yelled and with that he fired one round right out through the store roof. “I’m going to walk on over to that cooler and take out a bottle of Big Red and drink it. If my car ain’t back where I left it when I’m done, I’m going to have to do what I did in Boston the last time my car was stolen and I don’t want to have to do what I did in Boston again.”

Otis slinked out the back door and moved the car around to the front right where the guy left it. He snuck back in the back door and waited. When the guy finished his cold beer, he walked out front and there was his car. As he was getting in it, Roger rushed outside to make sure everything was alright.

“Say, mister,” asked Roger. “Before you go, can I ask what it was you had to do in Boston the last time someone stole your car?”

“Sure!” he said. “I had to walk home!”

Andover’s a small town and everyone knows everyone else who lives there. It’s easy in a town like Andover to have several “best friends” – afterall, it’s not like there’s a lot to choose from.

Lorena and Marge have been close friends for years. They’ve done so many things together. One of their weekly rituals is to get together and play cribbage. Rumors have been spreading for years that the two really brush up on their poker playing before heading down to Foxwoods casinos to play. But those, I’m sure are just rumors.

Marge showed up at Lorena’s the other day and they were playing cards when Lorena stopped right in the middle of a good hand and begins staring relentlessly at Marge.

“What on earth are you staring at?” asked Marge.

“Well, I’m sorry,” said Lorena. “I’ve been sitting here talking to your for nearly two hours now and we’ve played several hands of cards and for the life of me I can’t remember what your name is. I know we’re good friends and all but would you just tell me again what your name is?”

Marge stared right back at Lorena for the longest time until finally she put her cards down and headed for the front door.

“Where are you going?” asked Lorena.

“Home,” said Marge. “I’ll come back tomorrow and tell you. I should be able to remember by then.”

Gabby ain’t too bright you know! One day he and Otis were sitting in front of Mills’ Market wiling away the day. As they sat there doing diddly, people by the droves were coming in and out of the store. Hell, there must have been three people came into the store by noontime.

Gabby says to Otis, “You know, I seen some of that candy and snacks some of them people got that come out of that store. I sure wish I had some extra money so I could get me something like that.”

Otis snarled and said to Gabby, “Then why don’t you go get a job?”

“Where am I going to get a job?” asked Gabby.

Otis answered, “I heard ole John Percival up on the North Road is looking for somebody to do some painting. Why don’t you walk up and ask him.”

Gabby thought about it for a minute or two and got up and headed for the Percival Farm. When he arrived he walked up to the front door and knocked. Soon John came and answered the door. “What you want?” barked John.

“Otis said you needed someone to do some painting,” replied Gabby. “And I could use some extra money.”

“Well, alright,” said John and with that he took Gabby out back to the garage and got him a bucket of paint and a brush and told him to go paint the porch out back. “When your finished come inside and I’ll give you some money,” he said.

Gabby went about his business and in about 2 hours he walked back to the front door and knocked. John answered again, “Are you finished already?” he asked. “That didn’t take long at all. Come on in and I’ll give you some money.”

Excited thinking about some candy and snack food he was going to buy he says to John, “Oh, by the way! That ain’t no porsche you wanted me to paint. That’s a BMW!”

Most people don’t realize that hidden in the pine trees deep back into the woods behind Andover Wood Products mill is a insane asylum. The odd part about this place, which by the way is called, Home For The Questionable, is that doctors there aren’t really sure who belongs in the nut farm and who doesn’t. You see, there’s a fine line between being insane, being sane, being brilliant and gifted and being normal. The disparities sort of meld together at times. It’s kinda like knowing these days the difference between a girl and a boy.

Otis is a good example of what I am talking about. If you’ve read alot of the stories about the ole boy, you quickly come to the realization that it is too hard to know whether he is a mastermind or the dumbest son-of-a-bitch that ever lived. Same idea for the home in Andover – Home For the Questionable!

Gabby was headed into town one morning. Sometimes when he is up for an adventure, he takes a different route to get to the common. This route takes him by the Home for the Questionable.

As he walked along and neared the looney bin, he heard low soft groans coming from on end of the building, “thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen.”

That’s all Gabby could hear, over and over and over. He didn’t know whether to be scared but curiousity was gettin to him, so he approached the side of the building.

He could now plainly hear, “Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen.”

Gabby looked around but couldn’t see any windows or a door and wanted to know who was making the mantra and why. Suddenly he discovered a peep hole in the side of the wall. He caustiously walked up to the hole and looked in. As soon as he did, he got poked in the eye real hard.

Gabby jumped back and grabbed is eye in pain and yelled, “Ouch!”

When Gabby quieted down, the chanting began again, “Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen….”

Otis and Gabby were sitting on a park bench on the common in Andover. (Sorry, I don’t want to upset you. They weren’t really sitting on a park bench. They were sitting were they always do, on the bandstand.)

Otis says to Gabby, “Hey, Gab. You remember that time shortly after I met you at your house when I bought your old dog?”

“Yeah, I think so,” says Gabby.

“Do you remember I asked you if you had any friends and you said no?” quizzed Otis.

“Yeah, I guess so,” said Gabby.

“You know, Gabby. I was so shocked to think a fella didn’t have any friends that I couldn’t think of anything to say for about a half a day.” said Otis.

Gabby replied, “Oh, yeah! I remember that day. Best half day we ever had together!”

And if you did, you’d find out that Cecil who lives on Pine St. in Andover just found out he has cancer and only 6 weeks to live.

He returns to his doctor in two days after hearing the bad news and tells the doctor he’s moving to Bethel.

“Why are you moving to Bethel, Cecil?” asked the Doc.

Cecil answered, “I heard it sucks so bad in Bethel that spending 6 weeks there feels like 6 months!”

A fella who lives on Pine St. in downtown Andover, went to see his doctor because he wasn’t feeling very good. Two weeks after his check up, he returned to the same doctor.

The doctor says to Cecil, “I got some bad news and I got some really bad news.”

Cecil looked at the doctor and said, “Well, give me the really bad news first.”

“You’ve got cancer and you’ve only got 6 weeks to live,” said the doctor.

“So, what’s the bad news, Doc?” asked Cecil.

“The bad news,” says the Doc, “You’ve got Alzheimer’s too!”

“Well that ain’t so bad!” cried Cecil. “At least I ain’t dying of cancer!”

Time keeps on ticking and soon, Me and Mainard, Virgil, Florena, Billy, Gabby, Otis and Gary will be boxed up and headed for our Maine summer camp. I’m taking all these guys along because they are going to be displayed as part of an art show in Bethel over the July 4th weekend art fair.

Don’t get too excited though as my stuff ain’t going to be in the real show. No, no! Janet Willey has a show for closet case artists – ayuh, that would be me. So if you’re in Bethel, please stop by her place on High Street and meet the gang. Hell, I might even be there myself.

I’ll post more information on this event later as I get it.

A city slicker was nosing around up by Virgil’s farm one day and saw Virgil out with his pigs near the old apple tree. The dude noticed Virgil and was quite fascinated to see him pick up each pig one at a time and let them eat apples from the tree until they were full. After one pig had finished, Virgil would pick up another until all the pigs were happy.

The city guy couldn’t help himself and he walked down to where Virgil was and says, “Say, Mister. I have been watching you pick up each pig and let them eat the apples. This is an incredibly inefficient manner in which anyone should feed a few pigs. If you would simply shake the apples from the tree, all the pigs could eat from the ground at the same time. Don’t you realize all the time that is being wasted by doing this?”

Virgil thought a minute and then turned to the city slicker and replied, “What’s time to a pig?”

Gabby was walking into town one day and when he crossed the bridge over the Ellis River, he heard someone call out to him.

“Hey, over here!”, came the voice.

Gabby looked around and finally he spotted a frog sitting on a rock beside the river.

“I am a beautiful princess and if you kiss me I’ll turn back into one,” said the frog.

Gabby picked up the frog and stuck it in his pocket and headed for town. When he was almost to the top of the hill by the Town Hall, the frog spoke up again from inside Gabby’s pocket.

“Really, I am a beautiful princess and if you kiss me I’ll turn back into one and I’ll be your girlfriend for one day and do anything for you,” cried the frog.

Gabby quietly slipped the frog back into his jacket pocket and proceeded over to the bandstand where Otis was sitting.

Gabby sat down beside Otis and they exchanged grunts and groans. Soon the frog speaks up again and says to Gabby, “Kiss me so I’ll turn into a princess. If you do I’ll be your girlfriend for one year and do anything for you!”

Otis whirled his head quickly toward Gabby and exclaimed, “What in the hell was that?”

Gabby reached in his pocket and pulled out the frog and told Otis that it was the frog talking.

Well, Otis didn’t believe that and began to ridicule Gabby when the frog spoke up and said to Otis, “Will you tell him I am a princess and if he kisses me I will be his girlfriend for 2 years and do anything for him.”

Gabby began to put the frog back in his pocket and Otis says to Gabby, “Are you stupid, Gabby? Kiss the damned frog and you’ll have a beautiful princess who’ll wait on you everyday for 2 years.”

Gabby spoke up, “Naw, I ain’t got no time for a girlfriend but I kinda think a talking frog is cool.”

Having nothing else to do one day, Otis and Gabby decided to go exploring. Gabby was a bit timid, you see, because he didn’t get out much. Otis convinced him that a day out in the woods exploring would do them good. Finally, Otis convinced Gabby that it would be alright. He was going to take them up to the old Sidelinger Mine.

It was about an hours walk for the two and when they arrived, Gabby was quite impressed. He’d never seen anything quite like a mine before. Otis had been there one other time but hadn’t spent much time there.

The two began to look around when Otis came across the opening of an old mine shaft that seemed to go straight down. Otis picked up a small stone and tossed it into the shaft. The two waited to hear it when it met the bottom. They heard nothing.

Otis looked around and grabbed a bigger rock and tossed it in. Again, the two waited for the rock to hit the bottom. One more time nothing happened. Otis and Gabby looked at each other surprised.

Otis looked around one more time and called for Gabby’s help. He had found an old railroad tie laying in front of an old body of a truck. The two picked up the railroad tie and tossed it into the mine shaft. They bent to look in, when a goat went flying down the hole after the railroad tie.

Now Otis and Gabby were quite perplexed. Before they could say anything an old man came up behind them and asked, “Hey! Have either of you two seen a goat?”

“Well, yeah!” said Otis. “One just jumped down the mine shaft.”

“Oh, that can’t be my goat,” the man said. “My goat was tied up to a railroad tie!”