Otis, who almost never does any real physical work, finished raking some leaves for the widow Sidelinger over on Church street. When he collected his pay, he headed over to the ice cream shop to splurge and get a sundae.

Otis moaned and groaned and hobbled his way over to the store. When he got inside, he slowly eased himself up onto the barstool, oohing and ahhing as he straddled the seat. The waitress came by and he ordered a hot fudge sundae.

“Crushed nuts?” the waitressed asked.

“No,” said Otis, “I’ve been working for the widow Sidelinger raking leaves.”

Sam Fox, the Andover barber was walking down the street one day with a very young and very attractive girl on his arm. He met up with Doctor Feeny, his family doctor.

“Well, there, Sam,” said Doc Feeny. “You’re doing pretty good since I saw you last month for your annual check-up!”

“Just following the doctor’s orders!” Sam exclaimed. “Get you a hot mamma and be cheerfull!”

“That isn’t what I said, Sam!” explained the Doc. “What I said was, ‘You have a heart murmur. Be careful!’”

Otis was headed for Marston’s Garage when he run into old Silas Poor coming down the street hobbling on his cane.

“Hi, Otis,” Silas said. “I got me a brand new hearing aid. It cost me almost $5,000 and it’s the best money can buy. I think it may be even better than the original ears I used to have.”

Otis said, “Oh, really! What kind is it?”

To which Silas answered, “Twelve-thirty!”

Every night just before dark, the three oldest men in Andover meet on the Common and take a walk around the perimeter – it’s about an eighth of a mile total distance. One night while they were walking, they passed Otis and Gabby sitting on the bandstand. Otis heard the following conversation.

“Windy isn’t it!”

“No, it’s Thursday.”

“Meet too! Let’s stop over to Mills’ Market aftah and get a beer.”

Virgil’s father being that he is nearing ninety, might be considered old by some but Will only thinks of himself as being the same as he always was. He lost his wife quite a few years ago and only a few weeks ago, he met up with an old widow from down in Bethel.

One day when Otis and Gabby were hanging out on the common, Will came by and sat down on the park bench near the bandstand. He was a bit too old to climb the stairs into the bandstand.

Otis and Gabby moved down to say hello. The conversation went as most of them do between two or three natives of Andover – not much said, mostly grunts and groans.

Finally Otis asked Will if it was true he was considering getting married again.

“Ayuh,” he said.

“Do I know this woman, Will?” asked Otis.

“Nope,” replied Will.

“Is she good lookin’?” he further inquired.

“Not too,” he said.

“She must be a good cook then,” replied Otis.

“Can’t boil water!” said Will.

“Oh, I get it!” confessed Otis. “She’s got a lot of money, right?”

“Nope,” said Will. “Dirt poor.”

“Don’t tell me she’s good in bed then!” exclaimed Otis.

“Wouldn’t rightly know!” cried Will.

“Then why in hell do you want to get married to her for?” asked Otis.

“That’s easy,” said Will. “She can still drive!”

Up on the North Road towards East B Hill, an old couple well into their nineties decided they better go see the doctor over in Rumford and make sure they were still alive. When the doctor finished examining them, he told them that physically they were in pretty good shape but he could see they struggled to remember things. He suggested they start writing things down.

That night the two were watching TV. He got up out of his chair and headed for the kitchen.

“Whe’re you going?” asked the wife.

“To get me some ice cream,” was his reply.

“Will you get me some?” she asked.

“Ayuh!” he said.

The wife spoke up again and told him he had better write it down so he wouldn’t forget.

Getting mad, he said, “I think I can remember to get you some of what I’m getting!”

As he turned once again for the kitchen she said, “I’d like some strawberries on mine. I think you better write it down so you won’t forget.”

“Goddammit!” he said. “I won’t forget.”

“I think you better write it down. I know you’ll forget,” she said. “And I also want some whip cream too!”

“Ayuh,” he said.

“And don’t forget that I like a few nuts sprinkled on top of my whipped cream,” she yelled. “I think you better write it down. You’re going to forget!”

“Jeeperz christmas!” he yelled. “I think I can remember in the next 2 minutes that you want vanilla ice cream, strawberries with whipped cream on top, sprinkled with a few nuts!”

He disappeared into the kitchen. In about twenty minutes he returned to the living room with a large plate of bacon, eggs, hash browns and a cup of coffee.

“I knew if you didn’t write it down you’d forget!” she cried. “Where in the hell is my toast I asked for?”

This is a true story that happened to a fellow employee at Mt. Abram Skiway in Locke Mills, Maine perhaps 30 years ago now.

Her name was Malinda and she was working at the counter of the ski shop located in the basement of the lodge. She was busy with a customer but noticed a young boy of about 5 or 6 years of age lurking about the counter. She kept an eye on him and when she had finished with the one customer, she looked over in time to see the young man working extremely hard to harvest a larger boogar from his nose.

Malinda giggled inside, obviously somewhat disgusted by the kids actions, and reached for a tissue to hand to the kid, “Do you need a tissue?”

“No, thanks,” replied the snotty nosed little brat. “I think I can get it!”

Otis’ dog can talk remember? He bought the dog from Gabby many years ago. Well the dog does have other talents you know, one of them being that he can walk on water.

One day Otis heard that Bruce Simmons was going with his hunting buddy Ashton up to B Pond duck hunting. Otis wanted to go so he invited himself along.

Bruce isn’t a big fan of Otis’ but he’s too nice a guy to refuse and Ashton, well, he could care less who went along. So they headed for B Pond.

Otis wanted to surprise the two guys and show them that his dog could walk on water. They got set up in the blind and waited for ducks to come. They had their decoys out and in about an hour, some ducks came by and Bruce and Ashton opened fire and they each downed one duck apiece.

Before Bruce or Ashton could make a move, Otis sent his dog out to retrieve the ducks. When the dog got to the edge of the water, he slowed down and sort of tip-toed across the top of the water, walking on top of course, and brought the birds back to the blind. Neither Bruce nor Ashton said a word and Otis was disappointed.

Otis figured perhaps they didn’t really see the dog walk on water, so he waited until the next time they shot a duck. Once again the dog walked across the water, retrieved the ducks and returned to the blind and once again neither Bruce nor Ashton said anything.

Now Otis was mad, “Don’t you guys notice anything usual about my dog?”

Bruce looked at Ashton and Ashton looked at Bruce then Ashton piped up, “Yeah! Your stupid dog can’t swim!”

There ain’t no place like it on earth! That best describes Maine and you can take that any way you choose, because you will anyway.

I arrived back in Maine for the summer almost two weeks ago and while I was away, I noticed something upon my return – NOTHING has changed! It seems it never does.

I brought with me my gang of characters that are beginning to make the statewide tour showing themselves off to the public. It is hard for them because other than for Otis, the whole gang is pretty darn shy and don’t care much about other people.

I hadn’t been here but only a day or two when I traveled to Wal-Mart over in Mexico. Wal-Mart means many things to many people but it becomes very clear that Wal-Mart is like a life source to these wonderful people. Few have anything bad to say about Wally World but then again few Mainers ever have bad things to say about anything – They just are!

While at Wal-Mart, the Greatest Humor Master of all time upstairs, arranged things for me to meet up with Roger Mills, owner of the famous Mills’ Market in Andover. He is now totally aware that his store sets the stage for many a story and of course he seemed thrilled to hear of the news.

And Roger being a native Mainer, it was very difficult to tell if he was excited or impressed or maybe just a little bit giddy about the prospects as Mainers typically don’t show any emotions or reactions of any kind. So, it is my assumption he liked the idea as he didn’t spit any tobacco juice on me.

Being here at my camp and suffering through the rigors of dial-up Internet service, makes my work online 100 times more difficult than it needs to be. This is one reason I haven’t been over here posting more often. But now that I am up and running and getting settled in, I’ll do some real Maine experiences for you and continue the tales.

Just a word of note: I have it on pretty good source that the Laugh Maine characters will be making their debut at the Andover Olde Home Days this August. Unfortunately I will not be able to attend but my mother has volunteered to drive them up there.