As most of you know, Otis can at times have a good sense of humor. He loves practical jokes and at times, his urge to be comdedic gets him into trouble. But that urge is so overpowering that there is little he can do but go with the flow.

He went down to Mexico to the Super Wal-Mart store there to buy some Purina Dog Chow for the widow Poor. When Otis got to the check-out line, a woman behind him inquired, “Oh, do you have a dog?”

That was the opening that Otis required. “No, I’m getting on that Purina Dog Chow diet again,” replied Otis. “I probably shouldn’t because the last time I was on it, I ended up in the hospital.”

Otis went on to explain that he had lost 50 pounds after he woke up in the hosptal only days after starting the diet. He told her that when he awoke, he had tubes coming out of places he didn’t know he had.

The woman stared at Otis for some time. Otis was beginning to wonder what it was going to take to get this woman to bite. So, he further explained how the diet worked. “All you have to do is fill up your pant’s pockets with nuggets of Purina and anytime you get a hunger pain, simply reach in your pocket, pull out a piece and chew on it.

Finally, the woman took the bait. “Oh, my!” she exclaimed. “Did the dog food poison you? It that why you ended up in the hospital?”

“Oh, no!” explained Otis. “I was walking down the street one day and stopped to take a leak on a fire hydrant when a car came by and ran me over.”

Otis and Gabby made an attempt one day to raise money for the Andover School third graders. After much toiling of the wee little brains to come up with an idea, they decided to have a casino night in the back room behind Mills’ Market after hours.

Everything was going great until in the door walked Betty – the more than amply equipped, blonde bombshell from down on Franklin Street in Rumford.

She walked up to the craps table where Otis and Gabby were tending diligently and said she wanted to place a bet for $2,000 on one roll of the dice. Otis and Gabby had to confer to see if that would work. They counted up all the money they had made so far and decided they had just enough to cover her foolish bet – should she win!

She placed her bet on seven and picked up the dice. Before she rolled, she ripped off her top and said to Otis and Gabby as they stood in shock, “I hope you don’t mind that I do this. I feel a whole bunch luckier when I roll topless.”

“Er, uh, uh, er, er, uh…..”

And with that she gave the dice a roll. As soon as the dice stopped rolling she began to jump up and down excitedly, screaming to the top of her lungs that she had won. The jumping continued for what to Otis and Gabby seem not nearly long enough.

Betty collected her money and walked out the door with a big smile on her face. Otis and Gabby had more than a smile on.

Both Otis and Gabby were in shock. After the dust had somewhat settled, Otis said to Gabby, “What number did she roll anyway?”

“I don’t know,” answered Gabby. “I wasn’t watching. I thought you were.”

You know this story does have a moral to it. It goes like this:

Not all people from Rumford are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But all men are…..well, men!

The pope was visiting in Alaska. While traveling along near the Kenai River, there were tourist milling about and watching as the Pope made his way along through small towns traveling in his Popemobile.

He came around a corner and noticed quite a commotion going on over next to the road. Upon further investigation, the Pope discovered a democrat in the brush being mauled by a giant grizzly bear.

Quicker than a wink, a Ford crew-cab pick-up truck loaded with four republicans came screaching to a halt. One man got out and fired his .357 magnum pistol 3 times into the chest and head of the grizzly killing it. All four men grabbed the bear and tossed him into the bed of the truck, then picked up the half dead, badly mauled democrat and put him in the back seat.

The Pope was witness to all this and insisted he speak to the four men. They approached the Pope who immediately blessed them and spoke these words, “I am moved by your actions this day. I was led to believe that there was a great divide, anger, hate and animousity between democrats and republications in this great country. You have pleased God and restored my faith in mankind and that of the political atmosphere in America. May God bless you.”

The four republicans turned and walked away when one guy asks, “Who in the hell was that?”

“That was the Pope,” replied another.

The guy came back with, “He might be the Pope but he don’t know anything about bear hunting. So, is the bait used up yet or do we need to head back to Massachessets and get another democrat?”

Otis and Gabby were sitting on a park bench on the Andover common watching the world go by. Of course their world watching is much different than civilized people’s.

Otis looked up and saw Bruce Simmon’s pick-up truck go flying down Spruce Street. Then Otis and Gabby walked down Main Street to Bruce’s house and knocked on his front door. Bruce answered the door.

“Just wanted to tell you your truck got stolen. I saw it going down Spruce Street.” said Otis very calmly.

Bruce craned his neck to look beyond Otis and Gabby and discovered that in fact his truck was gone. He yelled, “Did you see who took it?”

“Nope,” explained Otis, “But I got the license plate number.”

While Otis and Gabby were sitting on the bandstand one Sunday morning, Otis says to Gabby, “You know, Gabby, I’m glad I live in Andover. This is the best place in the world to be when the end of the world comes.”

“How so?” asked Gabby.

Otis replied, “Because I’ve always said that in Andover, nothing here happens until twenty years after the rest of the world!”

Otis and Gabby went out deer hunting last November. Just after dark, Otis came staggering up in front of Mill’s Market dragging a big buck behind him. He wanted to get it tagged. Roger came out and knowing that Otis and Gabby are always together, he asked, “Where’s Gabby?”

“He’s out in the woods. He fell down and hurt his ankle real bad and can’t walk,” explained Otis.

Not really believing what he was hearing, Roger very excitedly asked Otis, “You left Gabby out in the woods by himself? Why didn’t you help him out of the woods?”

“Funny you should ask,” said Otis. “I considered helping him but then I realized that if I left him in the woods, nobody would steal him.”

I know it’s hard to believe, but even Otis can get confused at times. One day he and Gabby were sitting out in front of Marston’s Garage. Otis was trying to figure out how much inheritance he might get should his long lost rich uncle Will die.

He continued to struggle. He looked up and saw the young Wilma Williamson a real “lookah” in town, comin down the street. Otis hailed her to come help him.

“You’re a smaht woman,” declared Otis. “Afterall, you graduated from the University of Maine at Farmington didn’t you?”

“Well, yes I did, Otis. I didn’t know you were aware,” she mused.

“I was a figurin’,” Otis said. “Can you help me with a math problem?”

“I’ll try for you Otis,” she said, batting her long thick eyelashes, toying with Otis who wasn’t paying no mind to her advances.

Otis asked, “If I gave you $50,000, minus 12 1/2%, how much would you take off?”

“Well, gee, Otis! That’s a lot of money!” she answered. “For that kind of money, I’d take off everything except my earrings!”

You know as well as I do that everywhere you go there are dogs. I’m not a big dog person….actually about the only thing I find a dog useful for is telling stories about them. Every good story begins with a reference to a dog.

“Beware of Dog” signs pop up wherever you go. I don’t take kindly to dogs so I pay close attention when I see one of them signs. There’s at least one of them signs hanging on a door in Andover, Maine.

Mill’s Market, center of the town, talk of the town, the only thing in town, now has a “Beware of Dog” sign covering a good part of the front door into the store.

A fella from “away” stopped the other day and before entering the store he stopped and carefully read the sign….BEWARE OF DOG!

Not really knowing whether the sign meant at anytime a person should “beware the dog” or only at night after the store has closed, he carefully and methodically opened the door. Hearing no vicious dog barking and snarling, he stepped in only to find a well fed….. no actually a damned fat mongrel mutt of a dog laying fast asleep just inside the door.

Laughing the fella from away says, “Is that the dog I’m supposed to beware of?”

“Sure is,” says Roger.

“Well, why on earth would you put a sign like that up on the front door of your store. I don’t see anything that anybody would need to beware of in that old fat hound,” ranted the fella from “away”. (You notice I keep mentioning that he was from away. Local people couldn’t care less about that old dog and God knows the only reason Roger put up the sign was for the tourist or two that come to town each year.)

Roger, trying not to get mad because some high fallutin’ flatlander called his dog a name, took a deep breath and explained to the fella, “I put the sign up because yesterday some tourist like yourself, came in here and almost tripped over him!”

I’m so sorry! I’ve just been so darn busy I haven’t had any time to devote to my ‘therapy” but that will change soon – I hope.

I did make it with all the characters to the shy and novice art show in Bethel on Saturday. I talked with a few people who said they liked what they saw. I hope you find our information entertaining.

I got stories and some new ones, I promise.