Otis paid real close attention in history classes all the way up through 2nd grade. That’s when he quit because he knew he was smarter than the teacher. His teacher once told him that when he knew what was in every book in every library around the world, he could stop learning. That’s why he dropped out of school. He knew what was in every book in every library all over the world – words.

Otis and Gabby were sitting on the common the other day watching the road foreman patch holes in the street. Otis says to Gabby more in a reminiscing kind of way, “Do you know what happened this week back in 1850?”

Before Gabby could even muster up a grunt or a groan, Otis continued on.

“California became a state. Ayuh! Back then the state had no electricity. They had no money, just about everyone spoke Spanish and there were gun fights on the streets of the towns all the time. Ayuh, pretty much shows the the only thing that’s changed in all these years is women don’t have real breasts and men hold hands.”

I’ve told you many times that Otis is either the smartest man alive (well at least in Washington, D.C.) or he’s the dumbest (well at least in Andover). Yesterday proved it.

Otis was sitting with Gabby out in front of Mills’ Market on Main Street minding his own business as only Otis can do, you see! All of a sudden this big fancy black car that looks real important pulls up in front of the store. From out of the back seat emerges this gentlemanly looking fella dressed to the nines. Otis is intrigued but not overcome.

The man enters the store and starts a conversation with Roger. Soon it becomes clear that this dude is a threat to Otis and he don’t like it none. The problem was that Otis has encountered another man who thinks he is pretty smart too.

Weeeeeellllllll! Otis grabs each strap of his suspenders and marches himself into the store. He gets right in this guys space, you see and eyes him from head to toe.

“You think you’re a pretty smaht fella don’t cha?” asked Otis.

“I know my way around a little I guess,” retorted the dude. “Who are you?”

“I betchew ain’t so smaht as ya think ya ah!” exclaimed Otis with a look on his face that frankly scared Roger some. He hadn’t really seen Otis looking so much like a mad dog attempting to protect his territory.

“Tell ya what,” said Otis. “I wanna see just how smaht you are. I’m going to ask you some questions and I want to see if you is smaht ’nuff to get em right.”

Well, you know the duded-up man thought quickly and he reasoned that he was a college educated man and this Otis character probably never got out of 2nd grade. How difficult a question could someone like him ask?

“Okay,” the guy said. “I’ll play your childish game if it will get you to leave me alone.”

Otis began, “How do you put a giraffe in the refrigerator?”

The man laughed for a second and said, “You can’t put a giraffe in the fridge.”

“Wrong!” answered Otis. “You open the door, put the giraffe in and shut the door. You’re so dang smaht and educated and all you try to find is complicated ways to do things and when you can’t figure out because it’s easy you give up.”

“Fine,” replied the man. “Ask me another.”

Otis quizzed, “How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator?”

“That’s easy,” answered the man. “You open the door, put the elephant in and close the door.”

“Nope,” said Otis. “I told ya you weren’t too bright. You can’t put the elephant in the refrigerator because there’s a giraffe in there. You got to take the giraffe out first. You’re so stupid you can’t think about the repercussions of any of your previous actions.”

By now the man was getting a little bit angry and embarrassed because this brain-dead moron from the country was making him look bad.

“I suppose there’s more?” asked the man.

“Yep, if you think you’re up for it,” replied Otis. “Here goes! You ever watch that movie the Lion King?”

“Oh, yeah,” the guy says excitedly. Now he knows he’s got Otis because he’s watched the Lion King at least 200 times with his 6 year old daughter.

“Okay, then,” says Otis. “The Lion King is having an animal convention and all animals are invited. They all show up except one. Which animal doesn’t show up?”

“What’s that got to do with the Lion King?” he screams and looks at Roger. Roger just shrugs his shoulders and smiles. “Okay, okay it was the Uncle, whatever his name was.”

“Wrong!” retorts Otis. “Ya dummy! The elephant. You just put him in the refrigerator. He can’t get out from the inside so how’s he going to make it to the animal convention? You’re so dumb because you have no memory.”

The man was hopping mad by now and says to Otis, “You ain’t going to get me that easily. I’m onto what you’re doing so ask me another question.”

“I’ve got one more question and I know you won’t get it right,” said Otis. “But here goes. You come to a river where crocodiles have been known to live. You don’t have a boat how do you get across?”

You know that man thought and thought and I thought he was going to pop a gasket he was so determined to get the right answer. He asked questions like how wide is the river? Can I use rope? How deep is it? Can I see any crocodiles? etc.

Otis new he wouldn’t get the right answer so he told him, “You jump in the river and swim to the other side. There are no crocodiles because they are all at the animal convention. This tells me you don’t learn from your mistakes either.”

Once in awhile, I get an email that is worth passing on. Today I got this one, from of course a woman and I thought it would be fun to pass it on. It really just goes to show how oversensitive women can get when they get older. Geez!

Mike’s story:

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.

When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Mike. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie.

When I took “early retirement” last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’ Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I’m ready for some Home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!

Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other…..

Signed, Mike

EDITOR’S NOTE: Mike died suddenly on January 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his *#@, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it.