Two guys were headed for Upton on a deer hunting trip. They were going to stay at a hunting camp up on the backside of Umbagog Lake. Passing through town they decided they better stop at Mills’ Market and gas up and get a bite to eat.

One man pumped the gas while the other went in the store to see what they had for food. Once inside, the man discovered that the Market sold sub sandwiches, burgers and the like.

He looked over and asked Roger if he could get a cheeseburger.

Roger went out back to prepare the burger. While he was gone the guy looked around a bit and waiting for his buddy to come in the store. It wasn’t long and his buddy appeared along with Roger and the guys cheeseburger he ordered.

The guy who ordered the cheeseburger noticed Roger was holding the burger onto the bun with his thumb. “You got to be kidding me!” he yelled. “You’re holding my cheeseburger with your thumb!”

“Well,” said Roger. “I didn’t want it falling on the floor again.”

Otis ain’t no Maine guide but we all know Otis thinks he is anything and everything. We also know that Otis is a practical joker.

Otis and Gabby were hanging out at the Andover town common when Otis spied one of them tour busses pull up in front of Mills’ Market.

“Come on, Gabby!” said Otis as he headed for the store.

“Where are we going?” questioned Gabby.

“I got to meet the bus and tell them about their upcoming tour through the mountains,” replied Otis.

Otis beat a hasty beeline for Mills’ Market. He got there just before everyone got off the bus to replenish their knapsacks and visit the outhouse – seriously.

The head person in charge of the tour was heading down the steps of the bus when she met Otis coming in. Surprised the woman stopped, looked puzzled for a minute and then asked, “Are you the Maine guide who is going to tell us about our hike up onto Baldpate Mountain?”

“That’s right,” said Otis as he turned and winked at Gabby.

Otis began his speech to the crowded bus of tourists from Marblehead, Massachussets like he had done it a million times before.

“You’ll be hiking up the north end of Baldpate Mountain and there bears running rampant in that part of the woods. What happens is people like you tourist move quietly through the woods hoping to see birds, squirrels and other “sissy” animals and next thing you know it, you’ve walked right into a bears den.”

The crowd on the bus groaned and moaned and began to squirm in their seats. Otis continued, “Some of you are probably wondering what can be done about keeping the bears away. Here’s what you do. You’ll all be given a little bell to wear on your jacket. The little bell will scare off the bears but it will also attract those sissy animals toward you so you can see them and take your pictures to show your friends. But you must keep a watchful eye for bear signs, especially bear droppings. When you see them, you should be loud and stay together so to scare away the bears.”

Just then an old timer up in the back of the bus wearing his African-style safari hat and knickers asked, “How do we know what bear droppings look like?”

“Oh, that’s easy!” exclaimed Otis. “The first thing to look for in it are little bells.”

I have been following a story that I first read about at a website and blog called MaineWebReport that is owned and administered by Lance Dutson of Searsmont, Maine.

It’s a wicked funny story about the head honcho at the Maine Office of Tourism who has a Maine license plate on his cah that reads, “ILOVENY”!

You just gudda go ovah thayah and read it. But be forewarned, some of them people that like the guy who runs the MOT don’t think it’s too damn funny!

Really, Otis and Gabby wouldn’t do anything that dumb. 

 

Otis and Gabby were hanging out on the common, sitting on the bandstand watching the world pass them by. As you probably know, Otis is kind of a trivia buff or so he’d like to think.

He says to Gabby, “Hey, Gabby. Do you know what the longest word in the world is?”

“No,” he answered.

Otis said, “It’s supercallifragilisticexpialidosious.”

“What’s that mean?” asked Gabby.

Otis explained to Gabby how the word came about. It went something like this.

Mahatma Ghandi walked just about everywhere he went over the long years of his life. This made for some pretty impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little because he prayed and spent a lot of time fasting. This made him very skinning with not much muscle on his body.

As most of you know, when people eat little of eat unusual things it can give them wicked bad breath. This was the case of Mahatma Ghandi.

Gabby had sat very patiently while Otis spewed forth his infinite wisdom but really he was quite perplexed, “Otis, what does this all mean? What does this story about Mahammer whatever his name is, got to do with the world’s longest word?”

“If you’d be patient, I’m trying to tell you how one visitor of Ghandi’s invented the word,” said Otis.

“When attempting to describe to someone else what Ghandi looked like,” said Otis. “This is what he said, ‘He’s a super callused, fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.’”

It’s true. This was one of the largest events ever held in the town, next to the annual pig eating contest.

Otis and Gabby decided they was going to go check up on the tournament and see how it was going. Of course Otis was quite curious because he knew he could play chess along with the best of them.

The tournament was being held in the town hall which is right across the street from Otis and Gabby’s favorite hangout – the common.

They walked across the street and entered the old town hall. Once inside, there is a foyer there that you can access several different rooms. It is quite a large and open space. There were a few people millilng about but for the most part it was relatively quiet.

Otis wanted to find out where the matches were being held but before he could, several doors opened and out emerged several chess participants talking very loudly and excitedly about their wins and defeats. Soon quite a crowd had amassed there in the foyer.

All of a sudden Otis and Gabby could hear someone yelling very loudly trying to be heard over the crowd. Otis recognized the voice as belonging to Myshrall Meisner the town road foreman.

“All right, all right,” Myshrall yelled. “All you chess players get outta heeya, now!”

As the crowd began to disperse, one chess champion yelled toward Myshrall, “Yeah, yeah. We’re leaving but I don’t see why we have to get out of here.”

To which Myshrall replied, “There’s one thing I can’t stand and that’s a bunch of chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

Sorry!

Otis and Gabby were over bothering Sam Fox at the barber shop.

“Hey, Sam,” said Otis. “Did you hear about the Eskimo that was fishing up there in Alaska in his kayak?”

“No, Otis. I didn’t hear about the Eskimo fishing in his kayak,” answered Sam.

“Oh, yeah. He got real cold and decided to build a fire in the bottom of his kayak,” told Otis.

“Really, Otis,” retorted Sam. “How can an Eskimo build a fire in the bottom of his kayak? Won’t it burn a hole through the bottom?”

“That’s exactly right, Sam,” cried Otis. “Proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.”

One day while Otis and Gabby were sitting in front of Mills’ Market a car pulled up in front. It took a long time for an occupant to get out of the car. When they did, a man was wheeling himself in a wheelchair into the store.

“That reminds me,” said Otis. “Did you hear about poor ole Tom Hummelton from over in Bethel?”

“No! What about him?” asked Gabby.

“Well, he went to the doctor to get his appendix out.” explained Otis. “When he woke up he began yelling to his doctor, ‘Doctor, doctor! I can’t feel my legs!’

‘Of course you can’t! I cut off your arms!’”

Otis and Gabby were sitting on the park bench near the bandstand on the Andover common when Gabby says to Otis, “Have you ever seen that new fangled camouflage pants they got out now?”

“Which kind, Gabby?” asked Otis. “They’s got many different kinds.”

“I don’t know exactly which kind,” said Gabby. “I went down to Wal-Mart last night to get me some and the stuff is so good I couldn’t find any.”

At Fox’s Barber Shop in Andover, not only can you get a hair cut or two but there’s always free advice and stories to be heard or told. A typical day at the office for Sam Fox is to be subjected to lies and more lies. Usually Sam just smiles and he’s been at cutting hair long enough to know when and when not to feed the fire of tale spinning.

Of course everyone who knows Otis knows that he knows more than anyone else knows and you can never best him on any subject with any story. He always has one bigger and better. Sam Fox’s Barber Shop is not a “No Spin Zone”.

One day while Otis and Gabby we busily occupying two of Sam’s best seats in the shop, in walked Peter Poor. Peter was looking to get a hair or two cut. There was one man ahead of him getting a shave and a haircut, so Peter had a seat.

Sam offered up a little small talk with Peter to try and stimulate some intelligent conversation – not that Otis and Gabby couldn’t provide any. It was more like fresh conversation.

After some yanking and prying, Sam got Peter to talk a bit. Maybe it was a mistake because the more Peter talked the more he talked and talked and talked.

This of course bothered Otis something awful because Otis always has to dominate every conversation.

“Oh, hey, Sam!” said Peter. “Did you hear about the really strange looking creature thing they found over in Turner? Some people are saying it’s half man and half wolf or something.”

“No, I hadn’t heard about that,” answered Sam.

Just then Otis piped in, “That’s Dejamoo!”

“Dejamoo?” said Peter. “Don’t you mean Dejavu?”

“No!” exclaimed Otis. “I don’t mean Dejavu. I mean Dejavmoo!”

Well, what in the heck is Dejamoo?” asked Sam to Otis.

Otis quickly answered, “It means I’ve heard this bull before.”

It was a dark and dreary night…………Nah, that ain’t true. I was just trying to mix up the lead-ins to some of my stories.

Otis and Virgil were sitting in Sam Fox’s barber shop last Thursday. The place was packed with people waiting to get a haircut. Old Horrace Nutting was there and well, so was Otis and Gabby. That pretty much filled the place up, except Otis and Gabby wasn’t looking to get a haircut.

Sam asked Otis and Gabby, “Do you two have anything planned today?”

“No not really,” replied Otis and Gabby just shook his head.

“Say, Sam.” asked Otis. “Did you know many years ago there used to be a couple that lived up on the backside of Baldpate Mountain coming down toward East B Hill?”

“Is that a fact, Otis?” quizzed Sam. “Tell me Otis. How did you know they were invisible? Did you ever see them?”

“Well, no!” exclaimed Otis. “But I figured they musta been invisible. The kids were nothing to look at.”

While Otis and Gabby were bothering the hell out of Gary at Marston’s Garage, Otis got to telling the story about some of the cows over at Virgil’s farm.

Otis said, “You know ole Virgil had these two cows that he artificially inseminated?”

“Well, I don’t believe you,” said Gabby.

“No bull!” cried Otis.

The other day Otis and Gabby were sitting on the milk crates out in front of Mills’ Market eating a fudgesicle.

Gabby announces, “Hey, Otis! For some reason I can’t stop singing that song the Green, Green Grass of Home.”

“Hmmm,” moans Otis. “It sounds like Tom Jones disease to me.”

“Oh, no! Tom Jones disease,” Gabby exclaimed. “It it common?”

“It’s Not Unusual,” sang Otis.

Otis and Gabby were wiling away the hours one Tuesday morning on the bandstand at the Andover town common. Gabby remembered that the night before Otis had been invited to a social event at the church right there off the common.

“Jew go ta that social at church last night, Otis?” asked Gabby.

“Ayuh, deeeed,” replied Otis.

“Was it any good?” asked Gabby.

“Well,” pondered Otis for a minute. “It’s kinda like the TV antennas up this way. There theya but the reception ain’t too good.”