Virgil had to go to court. He decided to sue a trucking company for killing his favorite horse Clarence and causing him serious injury. Once in court and Virgil got on the witness stand, the fancy city lawyer began questioning Virgil about the events of the accident. The lawyer began the questioning.

“Mr. Cole (Virgil)! Didn’t you tell the officer at the scene when he asked you if you were ok, you told him you were?’

Virgil began, “I had just loaded Clarence into the back of my trailer….”

“I didn’t ask you for details! I asked you a simple question!” exclaimed the city lawyer. “Did you or did you not tell the officer you were alright?”

Virgil tried again, “Well, as I was saying, I just finished loading Clarence into my trailer……”

“Please just answer the question!” yelled the lawyer.

“Well, I had just finished loading Clarence….” Virgil tried his hardest to tell the story.

“Your Honor!” retorted the well clad city lawyer. “I am frustrated with this witness. I am trying to establish the fact that this man who is suing my client proclaimed he was feeling ok at the scene but is now claiming he got hurt. Can you instruct him to answer yes or no to my question?”

The judge had become a bit interested in exactly what did happen at the scene and instructed Virgil to continue telling his story.

“I had just finished loading Clarence into my trailer,” began Virgil, “when around the corner came this big truck. It struck my trailer, my truck and me causing a lot of damage. When I came to, I was hurt real bad and in a lot of pain. I was in one ditch and Clarence was laying in the ditch on the other side of the road.

“The police officer over there had arrived on the scene and I watched as he took out his gun and shot Clarence between the eyes. The policeman then came to me and told me that Clarence was hurt real bad so he shot him. Then he asked me how I was feeling!”

Otis and Gabby were walking along the North Road just above the Andover Wood Products mill, when Gabby spotted something in the bushes near the side of the road. When the two fellas stepped into the tall grass to investigate, the discovered an animal of which neither of the two had ever seen. It was a baboon but they didn’t know it.

“What do you think it is?” asked Gabby.

You know there a few things that Otis don’t know and far fewer he doesn’t have an opinion about but this time he was genuinely perplexed.

“Geez, I don’t rightly know, Gabby,” replied Otis.

About that time Virgil came by in his pick-up truck and Otis and Gabby flagged him down.

“Say, Virgil,” said Otis. “Me and Gabby found something real strange here beside the road. Come look at it.”

Virgil got out of his truck and stepped to the side of the road. He too was amazed yet puzzled because he had never seen anything like it before either.

“You don’t know what it is either, Otis?” asked Virgil.

“Can’t figure it out,” replied Otis. “What say we load it into the truck and take it down to Mills’ Market. I bet someone there will know what it is.”

So the three of them loaded the dead baboon into the truck and they headed for Mills’ Market. They pulled up out front and within moments quite a large crowd, almost as large as you’d find at town meeting, gathered around the truck. Oddly enough though, no one knew what it was.

Finally Virgil says, “I know. Why don’t we go inside and get old man Roger Mills. If anyone in Andover would know what this was, he would.”

So Otis went inside to get Roger and shortly they bother returned. Roger looked at the creature and raised a right eyebrow. He looked closely at him head to toe and even asked for help to roll the animal over to look at both sides.

“What do you think it is, Roger?” they all quizzed.

“Well, gentlemen. I tell ya. Judging by the looks, you see the rounded shoulders, the odd slope to the forehead and the shape of his ass, I’d say what you found boys is an old retired Andover Selectman!”

I just received the official word that spring is on it’s way in Maine. Forget about the infamous Punxatawny Phil to determine when spring will arrive. Maine has the Mud Runts.

Gary Inman of Albany, Maine sent this photo via super-fast hyper speed email, as a breaking news alert.

HEADLINE READS: Just wanted you to know that the “Mud Runts” have appeared–a sure sign of spring. This little beauty is about eighteen inches long, and looks well after a long winter under the snow!

Note the receding snow line!

Out on the outskirts of town you will recall, Virgil and Florena live on an isolated farm at the far end of the Sawyer Brook Rd. At least once a year there is an event that transpires at the Cole farm.

One evening as Virgil and Florena were getting ready for bed, Florena had finished up her nightly chores and readied herself for bed. She was in bed waiting for Virgil to come in from the bathroom. After some time, she rolled over toward the center of the bedroom and saw her darling groom standing in the middle of the room with nary a stitch of clothing on. Well, almost no clothing. Virgil was sporting his new work boots.

“What on earth are you doing, Virgil?”, cried Florena.

“Well, isn’t it obvious?”, asked Virgil.

“No! I don’t think anything is obvious, except that you’re a fool!” exclaimed Florena. “Now put your pajamas on and get into bed.”

“But, honey,” began Virgil. “I wanted to show you something that I thought you’d like.”

“Oh for God’s sake!”, said Florena. “What’s to see? That thing’s just hanging there dead as a door nail.”

“Florena, that’s not true,” explained Virgil. “He’s just admiring my new boots.”

“Yeah?” said Florena. “Then you shoulda bought an new hat!”

Have a wonderful St. Patty’s Day!

Otis and Gabby were sitting on the bandstand at the Andover town Common minding their own business and eating Twinkies and Snowballs, when three of Andover’s finer male citizens joined them. Otis and Gabby continued eating their junk food and listening to the conversation before them.

Alston: “I married a woman from down in Rumford and I told my wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at our house. It took a couple of days but on the third day I came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.”

Marshall: “I married a woman from Buckfield. I gave my wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. On the first day I didn’t see any results but the next day it was better. By the third day, my house was clean, the dishes were done, and I had a wicked big supper on the table when I got home.”

Bruce: “I married a girl from right here in Andover. I told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day I didn’t see anything. The second day I didn’t see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and I could see a little out of my left eye. Enough to fix myself some supper, wash the dishes and start the lawnmower.”

Yes, yes! This law was made a long time ago when Otis’ great-grandfather was in town. Otis’ great-grandfather, Ezra, was the only authority in Andover back in 1807, so he made a law that it was illegal to walk while under the influence of alcohol. Jeremiah Swayzee was the town drunk back then and Ezra thought somebody might get hurt if he kept walking while drinking. Err, uh, something like that.

Fast forward a couple hundred years and Otis and Gabby are walking down the Main Street toward Mills’ Market, when the greenhorn state policeman stopped to check on Otis. He thought Otis might have been drinking, so he went to his cruiser and brought out a breathalizer machine and told Otis to blow into it.

“Are you nuts?” asked Otis. “I can’t blow into that contraption. I’m asthmatic and it could kill me.”

“Okay,” said the policeman. “Then let’s take a ride down to the police station and you can pee in a cup.”

“Are you nuts?” asked Otis once again. “I can’t pee in a cup. I’m diabetic. If I pee, my blood sugar level is likely to drop to far it would kill me.”

“Fine!” said the trooper. “Then you wouldn’t mind taking a blood test.”

“Are you nuts?” queried Otis one more time. “If you stick a needle in me, I’m a hemophiliac. I’ll start to bleed and never be able to stop the bleeding and I’ll die.”

“Great!” said the officer. “Then why don’t you just come over here and walk this straight white line on the side of the street.”

“Are you nuts?” yelled Otis. “I can’t do that. I’m too drunk.”

The Humble Farmer, Robert Skoglund, has decided to modernize from his MPBN broadcasts and team up with the Maine Web Report for weekly podcasting. This press release came from the Maine Web Report.

Searsmont Maine, March 13, 2007- Maine Web Report, a citizen journalism website that features original reporting and commentary on Maine issues, has begun online distribution of the popular radio show, The humble Farmer.

Robert Skoglund, aka, The humble Farmer, has been entertaining his radio friends in Northern New England and Canada for nearly 30 years. His blend of “old fashioned” music from the 1930s and 1940s and wry humor is now heard by audiences in Florida and New Mexico over traditional airwaves, and this partnership seeks to expand that audience beyond the bounds of radio.

“I am honored to have the opportunity to work with The humble Farmer, and hope that with the program now online new friends will jump at the chance to listen,” says Lance Dutson, publisher of Maine Web Report. ” Mr. Skoglund, hailed by the Boston Herald as ‘New England’s Answer to Garrison Keillor,’ is an international treasure whose work over the years has been essential in preserving Maine’s unique identity. Skoglund claims that anyone with an IQ over 100 who listens to three complete shows will be hooked for life, and we are about to put him to the test.”

You can visit Skoglund at www.thehumblefarmer.com where you can hear recent humble Farmer shows, produced in his barn in St. George, Maine. The humble Farmer sees the partnership with Maine Web Report as an exciting way to bring his humorous observations on everyday life to a new appreciative audience.

Dutson states that the continuing growth of the internet as a mechanism for news and commentary distribution is important for free speech. “Traditional media, like radio and newspapers, often succumb to political pressure as a survival mechanism, and this can mean that important voices are sometimes stifled. The egalitarian nature of the citizen media movement means that more people can get more opinions from more perspectives than ever before, which is what democracy is all about.”

Skoglund also states that the continuing growth of the internet as a mechanism for news and commentary distribution is important for free speech. “Traditional media, like radio and newspapers, often succumb to political pressure as a survival mechanism, and this can mean that important voices are sometimes stifled. The egalitarian nature of the citizen media movement means that more people can get more opinions from more perspectives than ever before, which is what democracy is all about.”

The humble Farmer denies accusations that he copies most of the material for his shows from the Encyclopedia Britannica or any other source.

You can now enjoy The humble Farmer in podcast format on Maine Web Report. New shows are produced on a weekly basis whenever humble can get around to it and can be savored by you — at your leisure — at www.MaineWebReport.com or www.TheHumbleFarmer.com.