Virgil was out working in the field not too far from the road, when he heard a loud crash. Thinking he better go and investigate, he walked out the path to where he parked his old pickup truck. Seeing that his truck was okay, he looked around and spotted a big fancy bus that had crashed into a big pine tree down at the corner of the road.

He approached the bus and saw the writing on the side which read, “Maine Politicians Information Tour”. Virgil knew what he had to do, so he went back to his tool shed and returned with a shovel and began burying all the bodies.

About the time he got the last one covered over, the sheriff arrived on the scene.

“What happened here?” asked the sheriff.

“Well,” replied Virgil. “This bus crashed and I buried everyone.”

“Were they all dead?” asked the sheriff.

“Most of them,” answered Virgil. “A few of them said they weren’t but you can’t ever believe a politician.”

Otis and Gabby were walking down Main Street the other day and happened to notice Asher Peabody sitting in front of the living room window playing chess with his dog. Otis couldn’t believe what he was seeing, so he stopped to watch for a while. Gabby was more interested in what Asher was eating that about any dang old dog playing chess.

After a few minutes, Otis walked up on the piazza and spoke through an open window, “It couldn’t help but notice Mr. Peabody. That’s some smart dog you got there being able to play chess and all.”

“Oh, he ain’t so damned smart!” exclaimed Asher. “I’ve beat him 3 out of 5 so far.”

After leaving old man Peabody’s place, Otis and Gabby continued on heading for a stop at Mills’ Market to pick up a cold Moxie before taking up a fixed position at the town bandstand. On the way, they passed by Bruce Simmons’ house and once again noticed Bruce sitting in front of the television with his dog Topsy. They were watching Old Yella.

During the few light and somewhat comical parts of the movie, Otis noticed the dog laughing quite gleefully and during the sad parts, Topsy cried like a baby.

Otis couldn’t help it so he walked up to the front door and yelled in through the screen, “Hey, Bruce! I ain’t never seen no dog laugh and cry like that before. What’s up with that?”

Bruce replied, “Yeah, it surprises the heck out of me. Topsy hated the book.”

Before Otis and Gabby could get from Mills’ Market over to the bandstand, they first had to pass by Fox’s Barber Shop. Otis and Gabby went in just in time to see some out of town guy trying to weasel a haircut out of Foxy.

With his Tennessee walker hound at his side, the out of towner says to Fox, “I’ll be you a haircut my dog can talk.”

“Dogs can’t talk!” exclaimed Fox. “You’re on.”

So the guy says to his dog, “What’s on top of a house?”

The dog says, “Roof!”

The out of towner asks his dog, “What does sandpaper feel like?”

The dog says, “Rough.”

“Now, who was the greatest baseball hitter of all time?” the dog’s owner said.

The dog looked for a second and then said, “Ruth.”

Fox had heard enough of this foolishness, so he threw the both of them out. Once outside the barber shop, the dog looked at his master and said, “Or was it Mantle?”

Enough of this I guess!

Oh who can forget the Sound of Music? Well, below is a spin on the lyrics to a song Julie Andrews sang and taught the VonTrapp family in the movie. The story goes that Julie Andrews on her 69th birthday made an appearance at Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP, you know them old people. Supposedly she sang and in so doing belted out the song “A Few of my Favorite Things” but did some rearranging of the lyrics. I can’t confirm that this is a true story but the lyrics are fun anyway.

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things

Cadillacs and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things ,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

It’s a dreadful thought isn’t it? But then again, if you look at what we’ve gotten over the past few elections maybe Otis for President wouldn’t be such a bad idea. It almost happened though. Really!

Just a few weeks ago, Otis and Gabby were parked on their favorite milk crates sitting outside Mills’ Market waiting patiently to see if a car might pass by traveling up Main Street. It did happen on occasion. They had been sitting for quite some time when Otis’ eyes grew very large. He pointed toward the south down Main Street. Just passing the Post Office, Otis spotted a black stretch limousine headed for downtown Andover.

Much to Otis’ and Gabby’s surprise the limo pulled up in front of the gas pumps. Otis and Gabby watched in amazement wondering who could be behind the dark tinted windows of the limo.

Soon the driver got out and asked Otis, “Do you work here?”

Otis replied that he didn’t and asked him if there was a problem.

“Yeah, I need some gas for my car and I need someone to pump it for me. I don’t pump gas!” the driver retorted.

Otis figured he could probably help the fellow out, so he got up to pump the gas. What he was really interested in was who was in the car. If he could get close enough, perhaps he could see inside.

Otis removed the handle from the pump, stuck it in the filler pipe and began pumping gas. He set the auto filler lever and looked around for something to wash the windows with, figuring he could really get a close look. Otis went all around the car and couldn’t see anything through the dark tinted windows. Reaching his ultimate point of frustration, he cupped his hands around his eyes, pressed his nose to the passenger side window and peered in to see what he could see.

What Otis didn’t know was sitting in the back seat was Bill and Hillary Clinton. Hillary was aghast to think this common man from some hick town in Maine had the audacity to peer through her window.

She gasped loudly and said to Bill, “I think I know that man!”

“That’s ridiculous Hill,” exclaimed Bill. “How could you possibly know that man?”

“No,no!” she said. “I really think I know him. Yes, yes! Now I remember. We went to high school together! We actually dated once.”

“Are you serious?” questioned Bill. “Aren’t you glad you married me instead of him?”

“Why is that?” asked Hillary.

Bill answered, “Because you married me and I became President of the United States. If you had married him, you would have been with someone who pumps gas for a living.”

Hillary smartly replied, “If I had married him, he would have become President of the United States!”

Several years ago Otis and Gabby were invited, only once though, to “the boys” hunting camp deep in the woods of Northern Maine. Otis used to be quite the hunter, well, at least that’s what he tells everyone and Gabby went along because he heard the food was pretty good.

They arrived at camp, being the last to arrive and got settled in. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Marshall because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy to sleep with Marshall was Bruce. When he came to breakfast the next morning his hair was a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

Everyone asked, “Man, what happened to you?”

He said, “Marshall snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”

The next night it was Gabby’s turn. In the morning, same thing–hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.

They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!”

He said, “Man, that Marshall shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night.”

The third night was Otis’ turn. Otis as you know is not a big man but he is a bit on the odd side. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed, looking well rested.

“Good morning,” he said.

They couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, what happened?”

He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Marshall into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night “.

A friend of mine dug this up from who knows where. This is a line in a Bob Hope movie that is perhaps the best line ever.

Young Bruce went off to school at the Andover Elementary School one day. During the day his teacher, Ms. Meisner told the class that she wanted everyone to go home that night and think of a story they could tell that had a moral to it. They had been discussing morals and she thought a good way to teach the kids was to have them create their own.

The next day Bruce headed off to school again not really sure what his story would be. He was lucky that he didn’t get called on first. The first to go was Meghan. She stood up in front of the class and told everyone that her family lives on a farm and every Saturday they take some of their products to town to sell at the farmer’s market.

Last Saturday, she put all the eggs from the families laying hens in one big basket. “On the way to the market, my father hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell over and all the eggs broke!”

“And what is the moral of your story, Meghan?” asked Ms. Meisner.

“The moral to my story is don’t put your eggs all in one basket,” said Meghan.

Next it was Alston’s turn. “My family also lives on a farm. We took 20 eggs and we were going to hatch them all out so we would have 20 new chickens around the farm. Once they all hatched, only 12 chickens lived!”

“And what’s the moral to your story, Alston?” asked Ms. Meisner.

“That’s easy,” stated Alston. “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”

Next came Bruce’s turn. He was quite nervous and was unsure what story to tell but he finally made up his mind and went ever so slowly up to the front of the class and began his tale. “My uncle was a fighter pilot in the Vietnam War. His plane got shot down over enemy territory. When he bailed out with a parachute, he took a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete with him. On the way down he drank the bottle of whiskey. He landed in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. As soon as he landed he took his machine gun and killed 69 of the enemy until he ran out of bullets. He then took his machete and killed 21 more but the machete broke in half, so he had to kill the rest with his bare hands.”

Shocked at listening to this story, Ms. Meisner nervously said to Bruce, “That’s an incredible story! I can’t imagine though what the moral to such a story could be.”

“Oh that’s easy,” said Bruce. “The moral to the story is, don’t mess with my uncle when he’s been drinking.”

We’ve all had at least some taste of how smaht (smart) Billy the dog is. In case you missed it, he applied for a job a while back at Mills’ Market and got shot down because he couldn’t speak two languages. If you want to get to know Billy better, you can over the the main site at Laugh Maine and scroll down this page a little ways and read all about the wicked good smahts of a real Maine dog.

Roger was hard at work, as usual, in his store. Otis and Gabby was sitting in their usual spots out front the store when Billy came around the corner with a purse tied around his neck. Once inside the store, Billy waited politely until the gentleman (er, uh, ahem) from Massachusetts was finished his purchase. Once he had, Billy headed straight for the meat counter.

He put his front paws up on the front of the meat counter. Roger said to Billy, “What cha need today boy?”

Well, you know that flatlandah was kinda amused at this escapade, so he decided to hang around and watch. Billy pointed his paw at the hamburger. Roger asked, “How much?”

Billy barked two times, so Roger measured out 2 pounds of ground beef and put it in a nice neat package. The flatlander became impressed.

“Anything else?” inquired Roger again.

Billy then pointed at the pork chops. “How many of them, Billy?” asked Roger.

Billy barked four times, so Roger packaged up four chops.

“Anything else?” asked Roger.

With that Billy got down and went around behind the counter. Roger took out the right amount of money and made changed, tied the package of meat around Billy’s neck and sent him on his way.

The flatlander’s curiosity was going to kill him, so he decided to follow the dog. Billy ran fast and the flatlander followed him all the way to Virgil and Florena’s house at the end of the Sawyer Brook Road.

When Billy got to the house, he began scratching at the front door. The flatlandah watched but nobody came, so he walked over to the front door and began knocking loudly. Soon Florena came to the door. When she opened it Billy went right inside. The flatlandah said to Florena, “That’s some smart dog you got there, ma’am!”

“Oh, he ain’t that smaht!” retorted crabby ole Florena. “The dumb bastard keeps forgetting his key!”

Andover only has one doctor and he comes to town only once every other week. He actually sets up his office in the back room of the town office that gets rarely used. Rumor has it the Selectmen of the town meet in there once a week to discuss town matters but being that there ain’t really nothing in town that matters, I can’t imagine they’d be meeting much.

Old widow Poor made her way in to see the doctor the other day and when she finally got to see him, she said, “Doctor! I have a bit of a problem. You see I’ve been passing a lot of gas lately. I’m careful to not let them make any noise and they never stink but I would like to do something about it if I could. I’ve actually farted at least a dozen times since I’ve been in this room.”

So the doctor says very little, writes her out a prescription and tells her to come back in two weeks to see him.

The two weeks went by and the Widow Poor returned to see the doctor. She was not very happy with the doctor. “What did you do?” she raised her voice. “I’m farting more than ever. They’re not making any sounds but they stink to high heavens. What on earth have you given me?”

“Relax,” said the doctor. “I looks like we have cured you sinus problems. Not let’s get down to work and see if we can find a cure for your loss of hearing.”