This is so funny! Well, not really…….actually it is!

Terrorism takes on many disguises and in my opinion any worthless human being that would spend life’s valuable time finding ways to destroy another person’s computer, really have no better standing than the likes of Osama Bin Laden or any of his followers.

I received the virus on Friday (unsolicited), last and have been battling it ever since. I tried everything I could come up with to remedy the problem but was unsuccessful. I even followed the advice of some so-called virus experts who told me to shut down my computer and start it back up in Safe Mode. From there, run my virus scan software, at least three times, while completely disconnected from the Internet and that should do it.

It appeared that the virus was one that Norton could find, remove and then it would “regenerate” itself. Once in Safe Mode, I launched Norton 360 and lo and behold I get an error message, “Norton 360 will not operate in Safe Mode”. *&%#()&%^

Frustrated, I contacted Norton tech support and got the usual – not necessarily unique to Norton. I first instant messengered with someone named Naresh. Immediately I began recounting the 70s song, “Marakesh Express”, (excuse the spelling?) Then wondered if I was communicating with someone in Los Angeles or from the mountains of northern Pakistan.

It all happened too quickly and I new my problem wasn’t solved, when Naresh quickly gave me a link to some adware/spyware add-on software and sent me on my way. I downloaded it, ran more scans and stared at the same problem.

This morning, I couldn’t take it anymore. After voting and feeling as though the future of this country was looking bright because I single handedly cast a vote for the next president of the United States, I decided to contact Norton tech help again. This time I got Karun. Hmmmm? Afghanistan perhaps? India? Or Boston?

Karun passed the buck immediately and told me I needed an expert virus man. He would solve my problem. Enter Riji.

Feeling now as though I am a stranger in a foreign land, I began my instant messaging with Riji, doing the best I can to decipher is broken text (thank god they have a lot of cutnpaste answers). It wasn’t long before Riji determines that I have a virus. I wanted to ask him how much schooling he had that allowed him to so quickly diagnose my problem. Yikes! It gets better, er, uh, I mean worse.

Riji had the answer! I needed a real computer expert who could remove my virus immediately! Swell. Let’s “Git r Done”! Not so fast! Removing a virus of this sort requires a fee – Afghanis, Dinars, Guilders, Rupees, Dollars? VISA, the universal language.

I went about the process of paying in advance for services not yet rendered (yeah I know) and finally began a relationship with, are you ready for this? Renjith! No kidding. I was thinking, Jones, Brown or Smith perhaps. You know my last name is Remington so wouldn’t you think I would be a gun expert, or perhaps a shaver repairman, or design tires? Typewriters are unused these days, so forget that. Computer problems? Why not Mr. Toshiba himself? Who the hell is Norton anyway?

I sat at my desk watching the computer screen while Renjith, who I’m imagining must look like Sanjia (sp) (American Idol last season), moved the cursor on my computer screen from his computer who knows how many universes away. While watching, I once saw him click on “Yes” when asked if he was sure he wanted to reboot the computer now.

It was then I realized why they collected such information from me as my home phone number and a second back up number. I laughed out loud and watched wondering how long it would take before the phone would ring. This gave me a chance to think about what smartass thing I would say when I answered. “Joe’s Crab Shack! Can I take your order?” or this one I thought very seriously of doing, “McAfee Internet Security Systems. This is Shekerish. How may I help you today?”

Ring! It was Renjith. “Oops!” and I laughed.

One of the problems that come with this virus was the continued onslaught of pop up advertisements. I virtually never use Internet Explorer as I would age at least one whole month while I waited for each new window to open. Plus the fact that I don’t think Bill Gates gets out enough these days. With all his money he probably has become so isolated he doesn’t realize pond scum are spending all their time creating worms, viruses, trojans and any other name you can call these things. I’ll bet these guys who make up this stuff could land humans on the moon but the ones who fix them couldn’t.

Needless to say, I have a very low opinion of Internet Explorer and have been using Mozilla Firefox for several years now. The problem I had was every time I opened a new window in my browser, Internet Explorer would open up pop up ads. It’s bad enough that the dang ads would pop up but combine that with IE which takes three 12-oz Corona beers and a small bag of Lays potato chips to open. (I learned how to measure distance in beers from an old drunk I knew back in my hometown in Maine.)

Finally, Renjith announces in our little chat room world, “Tom, I have removed virus. Computer is good now!” The problem I had was reading the message that kept getting pushed behind as each successive pop up ad pasted itself onto my computer screen.

“Really!” I exclaimed. “Are you sure?”

“Yes!” wrote Renjith. “You have a clean computer now!”

“But, Renjith, my brother!” I furiously typed on the keyboard. “What the hell are these pop up ads still devouring my computer screen?”

“Ooops!”

Remember the Bill Cosby story about going into the operating room at the hospital? He tells of laying there on the table having only local anesthesia and listening to the conversation:

“Scalpel!”

“Clamp”

“Scalpel”

“Clamp”

“Sponge”

“Scalpel”

“Ooops!”

That’s something you don’t want to hear coming from your surgeon. I can assure you Renjith was no surgeon and was beginning to wonder if there were like a couple of guys sitting around in a small room in Bangladesh laughing at me. They got my $100 and I got a “clean computer” that is producing pop up ads faster than a half-million rabbits on a rabbit farm can produce offspring.

“Let me try something else,” was his plea.

I went about my business of staring at the computer screen hoping maybe I could pick up a few pointers – NOT!

Another two hours pass. Pop up ads are still hitting the screen and Renjith tells me my problem is with Internet Explorer. That, of course doesn’t surprise me but I’m also having a hard time believing that he knows what he’s doing and he appears to be very anxious to end the session and go get some raw fish or something with my $100.

In the most professional manner, he tells me I need to stop using IE, uninstall it from my computer and never use it again if I don’t have to.

For those of you who are still using Internet Explorer, visit Mozilla Firefox and download your own version today.

I must report that I removed IE and so far, I am pop up free. Renjith for president……of what I don’t know!

Now to get caught up and back on track.