Mainard True

Mainard True

I recently did a movie review for Carter Davidson, “East by North East“. While watching the 70-minute DVD, there are several breaks throughout the movie where Maine humorist, Joe Perham, is heard spinning a fishing yarn of some sort. He tells a fairly quick hitting one which is one of my favorites. It goes something like this.

A feller went bass fishing over on Moose Pond. He was having a good time – how good might be a bit subjective but he suddenly realizes he’s out of bait and isn’t sure what to do.

Looking around, he spots a snake not but a few paces from where he’s standing and observes a frog hanging partly out of the snakes mouth. Reacting quickly, perhaps in much the same way he would react toward anything, he reaches behind him and yanks out a flask of whiskey and abruptly pours a shot down the throat of the snake hoping it would give up the frog.

Sure enough! The snake relinquished the frog and slithered away. The old feller used the frog as bait and wouldn’t you know it, caught a 4 1/2 pound bass with it. But his frog was now gone.

Wondering, the feller looked back over his shoulder and somewhat to his surprise the snake was back. This time with two frogs in its mouth.

Mainard True

I’ve often told the story of Ed and Moe, two old farmers living on opposite sides of the town. Ed and Moe past each other every morning on the way to pick up supplies. Every morning there was never more of an exchange between the two men than, “Mornin’ Ed. Mornin’ Moe.”

This took place for years until one day as the two men met, “Mornin’ Ed. Mornin’ Moe. Say Ed. My horse is sick.”

To which Ed replied, “Feed him citronella.”

For several more days both Ed and Moe continued their daily ritual. After about 14 days, “Mornin’ Ed. Mornin’ Moe. Say Ed. My horse died.”

To which Ed replied, “So did mine.”

God only knows how old and how often this story has been told. I have to admit too that as many times as I’ve told the story, not everyone is so blessed as to have the same sick, demented sense of humor that I have. I got thinking this morning that perhaps this story needs some modernizing. So, here we go.

Barney and Chris were both members of the Senate Finance Committee and worked in Washington, D.C. Everyday they would meet each other at work and there was seldom never more of an exchange of words between the two men than, “Mornin’ Barney. Mornin’ Chris.”

For years this went on while the banking industry benefited from rules passed by both Barney and Chris. Life was good it seemed, until one day, “Mornin’ Barney. Mornin’ Chris. Say, Barney. I haven’t paid my taxes in several years and the banking industry is in very serious trouble and people are blaming me. What should I do?”

To which Barney replied, “Lie to the people and cover it all up, deny it all.”

Several more weeks went by and each day both Barney and Chris met at work, “Mornin’ Barney. Mornin’ Chris.”

One day as they met while walking to their respective offices, “Mornin’ Barney. Mornin’ Chris. Say, Barney. I did what you said and I think it’s gotten worse. The people know I’ve been lying and cheating.”

To which Barney replied, “Me too!”

Mainard True