Otis hates doctors and has little use for them. He had heard just about enough from everyone he run into about not eating right, getting exercise, too much smoking, too much drinking, too much of this and too little of that. He decided he would go see a “smaaht” doctor and get some advice.

Otis had heard there was a new Chinese doctor had moved to town down in Rumford, so off he went in search for some answers. When he finally got in to see the doctor, he had his questions all ready to go.

“Doctor,” inquired Otis. “You these stupid people all they do is run all the time? This exercise stuff can it prolong your life?”

Doctor Wong, “Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.

“I like red meat. Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?”, asked Otis.

Doctor Wong, “You must grasp logistical efficiencies.. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.”

Otis inquired again, “What about booze? Not that I drink that much but I do like my Budweiser. I was thinking of my buddy Gabby. Do I gotta stop drinkin?”

Doctor Wong, “No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

“I don’t know what people are talking about when they ask me about my fat ratio or some such foolishness. How can I figure out my body/fat ratio?” quizzed Otis.

Doctor Wong, “If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.”

Otis wanted to know, “What the heck good is it doing anybody to run around town everyday of the week? Is there any good reason to do that?”

Doctor Wong, “Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain…Good!”

“People tell me to stop eating Mills’ Market french fries. Are fried foods bad for you?” asked Otis.

Doctor Wong, “YOU NOT LISTENING!!! …. Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?”

Asked Otis, “Hey, Doc! Do you think the women would like me more if I had one of them rock hard, rippled stomachs? Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?”

Doctor Wong, “Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.”

“Is chocolate bad for me?” Otis inquired.

Doctor Wong, “You crazy? HELLO …. Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!”

“I hate the water but I am told swimming is healthy. Is swimming good for your figure?” Otis wanted to know.

Doctor Wong, “If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.”

Once Doctor Wong figured Otis was done asking him questions, he said to Otis, “I discover important philosophy of life:
1. The Japanese eat no fat and have fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat lot of fat and have fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink little red wine and have fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink lot of red wine and have fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink lot of beers and eat lot of sausages and fats and have fewer heart attacks than Americans.

I come to this CONCLUSION…..

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English kill you.”