The story has been passed down for several generations in Andover and yet never has anyone been able to confirm whether it is true of false. It goes something like this.

Cyrus and Mabel Buck decided one Christmas to forgo exchanging gifts and instead opted to take one of them holiday cruises that went out of Bar Harbor. It left two days before Christmas and returned the day after New Years.

Once Cy and Mabel checked into their quarters on ship, Cy went for a stroll on the main deck even though the Captain had warned that with some rolling seas, one could get wet or worse than that get swept off the deck of the ship.

Cyrus paid no mind and went to look around anyway. As you may now have already guessed, Cyrus was swept off the deck of the ship by a wave. The ship was stopped and for hours, stretching into days, the crew of the ship searched diligently for old man Cyrus but could not come up with a body.

The ship returned to port and Mabel was sent home after being told that people would continue looking for her husband and if anything was found they would notify her.

After about two weeks had passed, Mabel received a telegram at her home in East Andover. The telegram read as follows:

Dear Mrs. Buck,

It is our solemn duty to have to inform you that we have recovered your dead husband’s body from the bottom of the ocean. An interesting thing happened. Although your husband was dead, we did find a large oyster shell stuck halfway up your husbands butt. We removed the oyster and opened it only to find a very rare black oyster pearl, worth perhaps thousands of dollars.

Please advise!

Captain Fitzgibbons
U.S.S. Runamok

Excitedly, Mabel drafted a letter to return immediately to the Captain. It read:

Dear Captain Fitzgibbons,

Thank you for your hard work in retrieving my husbands body. Please forward the black pearl to me and re-bait the trap and sink it to the bottom again.

Sincerely,

Mabel Buck

When the Widow Brown’s husband died last year, she placed an obituary in the Andover Times newspaper stating that old man Brown died from gonorrhea. When other members of old man Brown’s family read the obit, they were outraged and immediately called the Widow to complain.

“My brother did not die of gonorrhea. He died of diarrhea!” was the essence of one call.

The Widow shot back immediately in response and said, “God, I should know what he died of. I nursed him for over the last year of his life. I know he died of diarrhea. I just thought for posterity’s sake, it would be better if people thought of him as a great lover rather than the real shit he was!”

Otis and Gabby were sitting on milk crates in front of Mill’s Market doing their usual thing…….nothing, when Otis noticed something strange about Gabby.

“Gabby,” exclaimed Otis. “Do you realize you have a suppository stuffed in your right ear?”

With that Gabby reached up and pulled a suppository out of his right ear. He stared at it for a moment and then said, “Ah ha! Now I know where my hearing aid is”.

This is a spoof on what could have been repercussions from giving Al Gore, “the Goracle”, advice on Geothermal Energy. The Nobel Laureate s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d his information just a little too far in telling the American people that the core of the earth was “millions” of degrees in temperature. This is a spoof of me receiving a phone call from Mr. Gore after his embarrassment, trying to lay the blame on me. It contains a few surprises.