Several years ago, the Rumford Wild Animal Park bought a semi rare species of gorilla for patrons to enjoy. After they had the female gorilla for a few months, she got a bit on the……well, let’s say “feisty” side. Not sure what the problem was, owners of the Park brought in some veterinarians to make sure Betsy was okay. The vets determined Betsy needed a companion, if you know what I mean.

This put the Rumford Wild Animal Park in quite the conundrum as there wasn’t another gorilla around for hundreds of miles. Harold, who worked cleaning cages came up with a brilliant plan. He said he didn’t know of any real gorillas around but he heard Alfred, who lived up on the backside of the river toward E. Andover wasn’t too bright but was always looking for some “action”.

Harold went with the owner to see Alfred. The owner of the Park asked Alfred if he would consider making love to Betsy the gorilla for $500. Alfred said he would think about it.

A couple of days went by and Alfred went to see the owner of the Animal Park. He said he would take on Betsy but that he had certain conditions that had to be met. The owner wanted to know what conditions.

“Well,” said Alfred. “I don’t want to have to kiss the gorilla. I just couldn’t do that.”

The owner didn’t see any problem with that. “What else?” he asked.

Alfred piped up, “You’ll have to promise me that nobody will ever know I did this!”

“I am certain that can be taken care of!” exclaimed the owner. “Anything else?”

Alfred responded, “I’m going to need a few days to come up with the $500.”

Otis, it seems, was hanging around on the Andover Town Common when the constable came along. The constable asked Otis to find someplace else to hang around but Otis, in his typical belligerent way essentially told the constable to stick it. Otis was summonsed to court.

The judge reviewed the case and sentenced Otis to 7 days of community service. Otis asked the judge what it was that he was going to have to do. After some discussion, Otis revealed that in another life he used to cut a little hair for a living. Well, being that the Andover barber, Mr. Fox, was away on vacation for two weeks, the judge thought it would be a great idea to have Otis sit in as a barber while Fox was away.

On Monday, Otis opened the shop and waited for customers. Later that morning the local florist showed up for a hair cut. When he was done, he offered to pay for his haircut but Otis told him he couldn’t accept money because he was doing community service.

The next morning when Otis opened the shop, he found a thank you card and a bunch of flowers awaiting him.

Shortly thereafter, the constable came in to get a haircut. And he too offered to pay Otis for the haircut but he reminded the constable that he was performing community service.

The next morning when Otis opened the shop, he found a thank you card and a box of donuts waiting for him.

Later in the day, State Representative Carter from down in Bethel was passing through and thought it would be a good chance to get a haircut. When Otis had finished with Carter, he offered to pay Otis but Otis explained the haircut was free because he was performing community service.

The next morning when Otis arrived to open the shop, he found 18 members of the Maine House of Representatives standing in line waiting for a free haircut.

Otis was sitting on the steps of the Gazebo on the Andover Town Common the other day when Gabby showed up. Looking mighty depressed he said to Otis, “Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , ‘pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land’”.

“How did you know about that, Gabby?” inquired Otis.

“I think my mother told me that a long time ago and for some reason I now remember it,” answered Gabby. “And she also told me that nearly 75-years ago, Roosevelt said, ‘Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land’”.

“Whoa! Gabby!” retorted Otis. “What’s up with you today? Are you alright?”

Gabby emotionally replied, “I heard yesterday on the news that now Obama has stolen our shovels, taxed our asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land. I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and all that stuff that I really don’t know anything about. I got so depressed I called Lifeline, the suicide help line.”

“Geez, Gabby!” said Otis. “Are you alright? Did they help you? I didn’t know all this stuff bothered you so.”

“I don’t think so, Otis!” answered Gabby. “I got a call center in some place called Pakistan. I had a real hard job understanding what they were saying. They talked real funny you know.”

“What did they say to you Gabby?” quizzed Otis.

“I told them I was suicidal. I told them everything I was seeing and hearing on the news was all just too much for me.” said Gabby. “I told them I didn’t know anything about all those things but that it was all bad. I said I can’t take it anymore and I just wanted to commit suicide!”

“Oh, my God! Gabby! I had no idea you were so upset by all this stuff,” said Otis. “Did they give you some good advice?”

“Well,” hesitated Gabby. “I really don’t know. The person I talked with seemed like really all excited because I was suicidal and asked me if I could drive a truck.”

Wow! Modern science. The things it can do these days!

Up on the back side of the river lives Mabel Esterhausen, at least 65 years old and never been married. She got to reading in one of them magazines about how science was so good these days a woman could get pregnant as old as 70, if things were still all there and other stuff, without too many complications.

Mabel decided at her age she should ought to have a baby and so she made a phone call or two and the next thing you know, the old German lady was pregnant.

As you can imagine is was quite the scandal in Andover and everybody had something to say about it. Well, the day came when she dropped the baby and after being home with the little feller for about a week, a couple of the women in town decided they had better pay a visit out to Mabel’s place and see this baby and at least offer some help.

When the two women arrived a Mabel’s, she invited them in. Immediately the two women began asking to see the baby. “Where’s this little feller?” one lady asked.

“Well, you can’t see him just yet. How about I make us some coffee and a bite to eat and we’ll visit while we wait?” said Mabel.

A bit puzzled the two ladies agreed and sat down for coffee but one lady just couldn’t stand it. “Why can’t we see that baby now?” she asked.

“Well, you can. Just as soon as he starts to cry!” exclaimed Mabel.

“Ok,” replied one lady. “But why do we have to wait for him to cry?”

“Cause I can’t remember where I laid him down!” replied Mabel.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman came over to their table, gave the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then said that she’ll see him later and walked away.

The wife glared at her husband and said, “Who the hell was that?”

“Oh,” replied the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” said the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replied her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMWs in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend entered the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Gary?” asked the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” said her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replied.