Gabby doesn’t have a driver’s license and only drives if it is absolutely necessary. Gabby had a car accident one day trying to deliver his very favorite mule, Twitcher, over to Percival’s farm. The case ended up in court in Rumford. There, the trucking company’s lawyer, representing the trucking company that ran into Gabby, was questioning Gabby. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’ asked the lawyer…?”

Gabby responded, “Mebee, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Twitcher, into the…”

“I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”

Gabby began again, “I was saying, I had just got Twitcher into the trailer and I was driving down the road….”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Gabby’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, this Twitcher did you say his name was”?

“Ayuh!” replied Gabby and thanked the Judge and proceeded. “Ya see as I trying to tell ya, I had just loaded Twitcher, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I got thrown into one ditch and Twitcher he got thrown into the other. I wanna tell ya, I was hurting god awful and couldn’t move much.

“However, I could hear Twitcher moaning and groaning wicked lots. I knew she was in some serious bad way just by her groans. Pretty soon I seen a Highway Patrolman come on the scene. He could hear Twitcher moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes. Then that Patrolman came across the road and he got his gun still in his hand and looked at me and said, ‘How are you feeling?’ Now tell me Mr. Judge. What would you say?”

Bruce works in Rumford and commutes everyday from Andover over through Roxbury Notch. He woke up yesterday not feeling very good and it was his birthday. He went downstairs hoping his wife might be pleasant and at least wish him a happy birthday. He was thinking to himself, “I wonder if she just might have a little present or something for my birthday?”

She merely grunted when he entered the room and so Bruce thought that perhaps when the kids came down from upstairs they will at least remember and wish him a happy birthday. It didn’t happen. The kids were in and out, off to school before Bruce could even say a word.

Feeling depressed and mumbling something about marriage sucks and kids are a pain, he grabbed his gear and headed to work.

Sullenly, with his head banging on his chest, he entered the office. His secretary, Agnes, said, “Well, good morning sunshine and by the way, happy birthday!”

That seemed to lift Bruce’s spirits a little thinking that at least someone was nice and remembered his birthday.

Bruce worked until around 1 o’clock still a bit down in the dumps. Agnes came in all smiles and acting a bit, well, let’s say feisty, for her. She says, “Hey Boss! It’s such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday and all. What do you say we go to lunch? Just the two of us?”

That seemed to brighten Bruce’s spirits considerably and so he agreed. Certainly Bruce had been to lunch before with Agnes but this time she insisted they go someplace “different” and ended up in a quaint little, romantic kind of a cafe down near the river looking out across at the paper mill. Agnes asked the waiter for a private kind of booth. Perhaps even a booth with a view of the effluent from the mill.

Bruce was becoming a bit overcome with all the attention and wasn’t sure if he was reading Agnes correctly. They ordered drinks before something to eat and began talking. Soon they ordered another round of drinks. They ate their meals while sipping a third drink. Bruce paid the tab and they headed home.

They had barely gotten in the car and headed out when Agnes says, “Bruce, it’s an absolutely beautiful day and it is your birthday. Do we really have to go back to the office right away?”

Bruce could feel his internal temperature beginning to rise. He answered, “Well, I guess not. Did you have something in mind you wanted to do?”

“Let’s go to my place,” she responded. “It’s just around the corner from here.”

Bruce was clearly flustered but getting quite excited about the prospects that might lay before him. They arrived at Agnes’ apartment and she looked a Bruce with a very sexy, sultry look and in a soft voice said, “I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a minute and I’ll be right back.”

Bruce about popped a cork!

Agnes reappeared from the bedroom moments later carrying a very large birthday cake. She was followed closely behind by his wife, three kids, about a dozen co-workers, and tons of other friends and family all singing happy birthday.

Bruce just sat there on the couch. NAKED!

Viewer discretion is advised!!

Arthur Crumpler was running for the Maine Legislature. Andover is one of the small Maine towns in his district and so he thought it would be a great opportunity to visit the Olde Home Days festivities and do some campaigning. He also brought along his dog Balducci and his favorite old dog house; he named it the Bland House.

What Crumpler didn’t realize was that when the citizens of Andover go to the Olde Home Days, they bring all the family members and that might also include a few pet chickens.

Crumpler was most noted for being a shiester and being such he thought he’d best fit in as a politician. He set up a table on the common and placed his dog, Balducci, and his dog house next to him.

As you can see from the video (not a pretty sight. I’m warning you!) Balducci learned from his master the art of seducing a citizen into voting for him. As you will see his tactics are subtle at first, almost playful. You get distracted some but eventually you start to think maybe this will be alright. The next thing you know, you’ve been pulled aside and harsher tactics are being used to convince you of your vote.

But as is most often the case in politics, once you figure out what happened, it’s too late. You’ve been screwed.

Otis spends many long, arduous hours minding other people’s business. He hangs out on the Andover Town Common, in front of Mills’ Market, Fox’s Barbershop, sometimes at Marston’s Garage and a host of other places most people don’t want him around. During all this time, very little ever happens. When it does, it usually musters a decent story.

Dr. Twaddle, now about 88 years old but still practicing, had an office set up just beyond the Ellis River Bridge. Been there for going on 33 years and finally one day the old Doc decided he just couldn’t make a living any longer with this office in Andover. He decided to move to Rumford where the action was.

On moving day, Doc Twaddle got some help moving things. His grand niece showed up in her swank little Mercedes to help. She filled the trunk and back seat with items and thought some of heading out for Rumford, when she decided she could quite easily place the full body skeleton the old Doc used for years in the seat next to her in the car.

Fearing the skeleton might tip over or fall forward in a sudden stop, the niece wedged one arm of the skeleton in beside the seat and door and the other arm up over the back of the seat, assuming that would be enough.

She headed out of town and when she got down to the four-way stop in the center of town, Otis was standing on the corner and quite consumed by the notion that there was a strange car in town. He peered hard at the car as it approached.

When the car pulled up beside him at the stop sign, the skeleton was on the same side and quite clearly visible. Otis stared.

The niece began to fluster a bit but instead of just driving on, she opted instead to roll down the window on the skeleton’s side and began to explain to Otis what she was doing.

“I know this might look funny but I’m taking him to the doctor’s office in Rumford,” she reported.

Otis stood up erect for a moment, grabbed his suspender straps, leaned forward again and said, “I don’t know how to tell you this lady, but I think your a little late.”

Otis, it seems, was hanging around on the Andover Town Common when the constable came along. The constable asked Otis to find someplace else to hang around but Otis, in his typical belligerent way essentially told the constable to stick it. Otis was summonsed to court.

The judge reviewed the case and sentenced Otis to 7 days of community service. Otis asked the judge what it was that he was going to have to do. After some discussion, Otis revealed that in another life he used to cut a little hair for a living. Well, being that the Andover barber, Mr. Fox, was away on vacation for two weeks, the judge thought it would be a great idea to have Otis sit in as a barber while Fox was away.

On Monday, Otis opened the shop and waited for customers. Later that morning the local florist showed up for a hair cut. When he was done, he offered to pay for his haircut but Otis told him he couldn’t accept money because he was doing community service.

The next morning when Otis opened the shop, he found a thank you card and a bunch of flowers awaiting him.

Shortly thereafter, the constable came in to get a haircut. And he too offered to pay Otis for the haircut but he reminded the constable that he was performing community service.

The next morning when Otis opened the shop, he found a thank you card and a box of donuts waiting for him.

Later in the day, State Representative Carter from down in Bethel was passing through and thought it would be a good chance to get a haircut. When Otis had finished with Carter, he offered to pay Otis but Otis explained the haircut was free because he was performing community service.

The next morning when Otis arrived to open the shop, he found 18 members of the Maine House of Representatives standing in line waiting for a free haircut.

Otis was sitting on the steps of the Gazebo on the Andover Town Common the other day when Gabby showed up. Looking mighty depressed he said to Otis, “Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , ‘pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land’”.

“How did you know about that, Gabby?” inquired Otis.

“I think my mother told me that a long time ago and for some reason I now remember it,” answered Gabby. “And she also told me that nearly 75-years ago, Roosevelt said, ‘Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land’”.

“Whoa! Gabby!” retorted Otis. “What’s up with you today? Are you alright?”

Gabby emotionally replied, “I heard yesterday on the news that now Obama has stolen our shovels, taxed our asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land. I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and all that stuff that I really don’t know anything about. I got so depressed I called Lifeline, the suicide help line.”

“Geez, Gabby!” said Otis. “Are you alright? Did they help you? I didn’t know all this stuff bothered you so.”

“I don’t think so, Otis!” answered Gabby. “I got a call center in some place called Pakistan. I had a real hard job understanding what they were saying. They talked real funny you know.”

“What did they say to you Gabby?” quizzed Otis.

“I told them I was suicidal. I told them everything I was seeing and hearing on the news was all just too much for me.” said Gabby. “I told them I didn’t know anything about all those things but that it was all bad. I said I can’t take it anymore and I just wanted to commit suicide!”

“Oh, my God! Gabby! I had no idea you were so upset by all this stuff,” said Otis. “Did they give you some good advice?”

“Well,” hesitated Gabby. “I really don’t know. The person I talked with seemed like really all excited because I was suicidal and asked me if I could drive a truck.”

Wow! Modern science. The things it can do these days!

Up on the back side of the river lives Mabel Esterhausen, at least 65 years old and never been married. She got to reading in one of them magazines about how science was so good these days a woman could get pregnant as old as 70, if things were still all there and other stuff, without too many complications.

Mabel decided at her age she should ought to have a baby and so she made a phone call or two and the next thing you know, the old German lady was pregnant.

As you can imagine is was quite the scandal in Andover and everybody had something to say about it. Well, the day came when she dropped the baby and after being home with the little feller for about a week, a couple of the women in town decided they had better pay a visit out to Mabel’s place and see this baby and at least offer some help.

When the two women arrived a Mabel’s, she invited them in. Immediately the two women began asking to see the baby. “Where’s this little feller?” one lady asked.

“Well, you can’t see him just yet. How about I make us some coffee and a bite to eat and we’ll visit while we wait?” said Mabel.

A bit puzzled the two ladies agreed and sat down for coffee but one lady just couldn’t stand it. “Why can’t we see that baby now?” she asked.

“Well, you can. Just as soon as he starts to cry!” exclaimed Mabel.

“Ok,” replied one lady. “But why do we have to wait for him to cry?”

“Cause I can’t remember where I laid him down!” replied Mabel.

I don’t know really but one night Otis and Gabby were making their usual rounds throughout town making sure everything met with their approval. From Mill’s Market they crossed the street to Gary’s Garage and noticed two old ladies (no names please) sitting in a bright and very old Cadillac parked in front of the garage.

Gabby said to Otis, “Hey, that’s Gary’s old Caddy! Why are they sitting in it?”

Otis and Gabby approached the two ladies in the car and Otis, grabbing his suspenders with his two thumbs (his typical, “I’m the boss around here” approach) and asked, “What are you two ladies doing sitting in Gary’s Caddy?”

One lady replied, “This isn’t Gary’s Cadillac anymore. We bought it this morning from him.”

Puzzled, Otis questioned again, “Then if you bought it, why don’t you drive it out of here?”

The old lady retorted, “Well, the reason we bought this particular car at this particular garage was we were told that if we did, we’d get screwed! So we’re still waiting.”

Betcha didn’t know Andover had an old folks home! Well, they do and there are two old ladies in there that have been friends since their days at Andover High School, class of 42.

As most of us know and it’s something that we really don’t like to think about, sometimes these old folks homes can get a bit regimented. It’s not so much the fault of the home itself as it is the people who reside there. They insist that everything happens at the same time everyday. If that varies, they can become very upset.

Well, Bertha and Mabel play cards everyday at 2:00 p.m. Yesterday was no exception. After having played for about 30 minutes, Bertha stopped and began staring at Mabel. Finally she said, “Honey, I don’t want you to get mad at me. I can remember that you and I are friends and I know where we are but for the life of me I can’t remember your name.”

Mabel looked up from her hand and began to stare back at Bertha. She did this for at least 3 minutes. Finally, she replied to Bertha and asked, “How soon do you need to know?”

It was a beautiful Wednesday afternoon. Otis had made his rounds around town making sure everybody had everything under control. He decided it was time to wander over to the Town Common, make sure the bandstand was in fine shape and take up a perch on one of the benches in the shade. “Golly,” he thought. “I might even take a nap.”

After checking out the bandstand, Otis decided his favorite bench on the far back corner would suffice, after all, he could keep an eye on what was going on at the town office and see if any newcomers arrived in town.

But on his way, he passed an elderly woman he reckoned he didn’t really know. She was sitting on his second favorite bench sobbing her eyes out.

“What’s wrong with you, lady?” he asked.

“I have a 22-year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.” she sobbed.

“But why are you crying so?” asked Otis once again.

“He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.” she continues to wail and Otis is completely puzzled.

“That all sounds wonderful, lady,” replied Otis, “But it confuses me as to why you are so upset that you’re crying like this?”

“For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.” the sobbing was obnoxious.

“None of this makes any sense to me, lady!” Otis exclaimed, coming to the end of his patience. “I’m going to ask you one more time, why are you crying so?”

“I can’t remember where I live!”

Old lady Simmons died unexpectedly. At the funeral the pall bearers where carrying the casket down the church aisle heading for the hearse. Otis and Gabby were on opposite sides of the casket as bearers, when Gabby tripped on the carpet making the casket bump into the wall. At the same time, everyone heard a loud moan coming from inside the coffin.

Once outside, they set the coffin down and opened it only to find out that old lady Simmons was alive. She lives another ten years.

But after ten years, she passes away again and so her husband and family have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pall bearers gather around both sides of the casket to carry it down the aisle. That’s when old man Simmons stepped up and said, “Boys! Whatever you do, make sure you don’t run into anything!”

The story has been passed down for several generations in Andover and yet never has anyone been able to confirm whether it is true of false. It goes something like this.

Cyrus and Mabel Buck decided one Christmas to forgo exchanging gifts and instead opted to take one of them holiday cruises that went out of Bar Harbor. It left two days before Christmas and returned the day after New Years.

Once Cy and Mabel checked into their quarters on ship, Cy went for a stroll on the main deck even though the Captain had warned that with some rolling seas, one could get wet or worse than that get swept off the deck of the ship.

Cyrus paid no mind and went to look around anyway. As you may now have already guessed, Cyrus was swept off the deck of the ship by a wave. The ship was stopped and for hours, stretching into days, the crew of the ship searched diligently for old man Cyrus but could not come up with a body.

The ship returned to port and Mabel was sent home after being told that people would continue looking for her husband and if anything was found they would notify her.

After about two weeks had passed, Mabel received a telegram at her home in East Andover. The telegram read as follows:

Dear Mrs. Buck,

It is our solemn duty to have to inform you that we have recovered your dead husband’s body from the bottom of the ocean. An interesting thing happened. Although your husband was dead, we did find a large oyster shell stuck halfway up your husbands butt. We removed the oyster and opened it only to find a very rare black oyster pearl, worth perhaps thousands of dollars.

Please advise!

Captain Fitzgibbons
U.S.S. Runamok

Excitedly, Mabel drafted a letter to return immediately to the Captain. It read:

Dear Captain Fitzgibbons,

Thank you for your hard work in retrieving my husbands body. Please forward the black pearl to me and re-bait the trap and sink it to the bottom again.

Sincerely,

Mabel Buck

When the Widow Brown’s husband died last year, she placed an obituary in the Andover Times newspaper stating that old man Brown died from gonorrhea. When other members of old man Brown’s family read the obit, they were outraged and immediately called the Widow to complain.

“My brother did not die of gonorrhea. He died of diarrhea!” was the essence of one call.

The Widow shot back immediately in response and said, “God, I should know what he died of. I nursed him for over the last year of his life. I know he died of diarrhea. I just thought for posterity’s sake, it would be better if people thought of him as a great lover rather than the real shit he was!”

Otis and Gabby were sitting on milk crates in front of Mill’s Market doing their usual thing…….nothing, when Otis noticed something strange about Gabby.

“Gabby,” exclaimed Otis. “Do you realize you have a suppository stuffed in your right ear?”

With that Gabby reached up and pulled a suppository out of his right ear. He stared at it for a moment and then said, “Ah ha! Now I know where my hearing aid is”.

Gary was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist who had recently moved to Andover, in his garage. The Doc was there hoping for someone to come and take a look at his bike. Gary, grinning a bit to Otis who happened to be hanging around, shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The Doc, a bit surprised, walked over to where Gary and Otis were working on the motorcycle. Gary straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open this thing up just like you do, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

Otis stood by, eyes wide open, chest puffed out, just knowing ole Gary stumped the Doc on that one.

The Doc leaned forward and whispered in Gary’s ear, “Try doing it with the motor running.”