This put the Rumford Wild Animal Park in quite the conundrum as there wasn’t another gorilla around for hundreds of miles. Harold, who worked cleaning cages came up with a brilliant plan. He said he didn’t know of any real gorillas around but he heard Alfred, who lived up on the backside of the river toward E. Andover wasn’t too bright but was always looking for some “action”.

Harold went with the owner to see Alfred. The owner of the Park asked Alfred if he would consider making love to Betsy the gorilla for $500. Alfred said he would think about it.

A couple of days went by and Alfred went to see the owner of the Animal Park. He said he would take on Betsy but that he had certain conditions that had to be met. The owner wanted to know what conditions.

“Well,” said Alfred. “I don’t want to have to kiss the gorilla. I just couldn’t do that.”

The owner didn’t see any problem with that. “What else?” he asked.

Alfred piped up, “You’ll have to promise me that nobody will ever know I did this!”

“I am certain that can be taken care of!” exclaimed the owner. “Anything else?”

Alfred responded, “I’m going to need a few days to come up with the $500.”

The wife glared at her husband and said, “Who the hell was that?”

“Oh,” replied the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” said the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replied her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMWs in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend entered the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Gary?” asked the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” said her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replied.

When the uncle died, he left his riches to Beatrice who shortly thereafter married Fred.

One day as Beatrice was talking to Fred and feeling a bit insecure, she quizzed, “Fred, would have married me even if my uncle hadn’t left me with lots of money?”

Fred’s answer flew right over Beatrice’s head, “Beatrice, I would have married you no matter who had given you that money.”

Let’s go people watching!

When the light is red there’s ample time to gawk around and check things (people) out. If, however, you happen to be in the middle lane, your view is a bit tunnel vision except if you are first in line. Then things open up a little more – to see…

Rather brisk that morning in Fairbanks, mid January when something passed by the front of my vehicle. A tire! Wheel attached and the lug nuts were still on.??

It was rolling nicely across the intersection in front of me and I just starred at it trying to figure out what happened; that a tire is rolling thru the intersection with six lanes facing it in all directions when all of a sudden – the axle still attached – it caught in the road and began gyrating all over the place wiggling and wobbling until it made a complete circle of the intersection and then rolled up the right hand lane as if it pulled over.

Just when I realized it was settled down enough so as not to kill some one, I checked out the folks checking out the tire axle gyrator thing. Boy!, we were all sooo amused by it. And then the vehicle that lost it came rolling through the intersection – on three wheels, I wouldn’t want to mislead you – pulled over to the right, picked up the axil tire gyrator and threw it in the back and drove off.

What a deal!!! Intersections are so much fun. That spring, you know, when the snow banks are gone and the roads are dry enough to drag a cat through…

I was turning right so I had front row-center at this intersection. I couldn’t make my right turn yet, there was a window van coming through the intersection, dragging a cat.

At first glance I surmised little Jonnie had tossed something out the window, unbeknownst to mom. I didn’t see that part. The part I saw was when the horns started blowing throughout the intersection for the woman to stop.

She came to a fast halt. The cat was on one of those expand-a-leashes, they stretch quite a distance, thank God or it would have been under the vehicle.

Why I suspect little Jonnie might have something to do with it is because the cat that was being dragged is still headed for the stopped van. I thought it might hit the van and hurt it more but as it neared the back of the van the leash stayed tight and when the cat reached the back by the window, it disappeared up the van and in the window – mommy stepped on the gas peddle real quick and away they went.

So, if I’m the guy you’re tootin your horn at at the light, don’t be in such a puckah! Something might be happening!!!

Mainard True