“But Lord,” asked Gabriel, “don’t you think you are being too generous to these Mainers?”

“Not really,” replied God, “just wait and see the winters I am going to give them.”

Posted by Mainard True

“What are your plans for the future?” Bruce asked.

“Well,” he responded. “I am a deeply religious man and am currently in college studying theology. I plan to study hard and I believe that God will provide for us.”

“Studying is important,” said Bruce. “But how will you provide for a nice home for my daughter?”

“My studies and constant prayer will insure that God will provide for our housing,” answered the young man.

“How do you plan to buy my daughter a nice engagement ring?” asked Bruce.

“Surely, God will provide!” answered once again the young man.

“And what about children? How will you provide for them?” questioned Bruce.

Once again the young replied, “God will provide!”

Bruce was frustrated to say the least and got up and left the room. As he entered the kitchen he came face to face with his wife.

“What did you find out about the young boy?” asked the mother.

“Well,” replied Bruce. “The kid’s got no job and no plans but if there’s anything good about him, he at least thinks I’m God!”

We had a cat back several years ago. The cat was a pretty good cat, as far as cats go. She had a lot of personality and for the most part a pretty good disposition, except for one slight problem.

In our kitchen of an old farmhouse that dated back to the mid 1800s, there was a lot of old Wainscoting throughout. We had hung some coat hooks on the chair rail just inside the door. Being country people and all, it was the simplest solution to finding a jacket when it was time to go outside.

Over a period of time, my wife and I began noticing what couldn’t be anything else but a smell of cat pee coming from some of the clothing hanging on the coat hooks. What was puzzling was that at times it would appear that the pee was showing up near the tops of the coats as they hung.

We remained perplexed until one day we decided to go for a walk down back toward the river. We were about half way across the field when we heard a noise behind us. I turned to look just in time to see the cat come bounding up behind us. She ran about 10 feet past us, stopped, made an odd sound, kind of throaty, did a little jig with her rear legs, then commenced to pee a stream that shot about four feet into the air and out a distance that would have made some high school shot-putters envious.

I had never seen anything like it in my life before, especially coming from a female cat.

We paid the local veterinary a call and told him the story. He half smiled and said, “Well, my guess is she either has some kind of bladder infection or needs an attitude adjustment.

I bagged the old feline piss pot into a pillow case one day and took her to the vets. He checked her all out and said she was healthy as a clam, whatever the heck that means. How would anyone know………never mind.

He prescribed Valium. He said to give her a half pill in the morning and a half at night. It would calm her down and hopefully she’d stop peeing on everything.

Initially it was quite a chore to shove this tiny pill down her throat. I placed her in the kitchen chair and first tried butter, then peanut butter but as time went on, the damned cat fell in love with Valium. She would wait patiently for me outside my bedroom door. As soon as she would hear me get out of bed in the morning, she would run to the chair and wait for me. I got tired of doing this twice a day so I just gave her a whole pill first thing in the morning.

She was happy and stopped peeing everywhere. If you’re like me, there’s not much worse than rotten old cat piss!

End of story? Naw! We were moving to New Hampshire. My wife’s sister and boyfriend came to our house to get the piano we were giving them. Before they left, we had filled the back of their truck with anything we could shove in it.

As we loaded what seemed to be the last possible item one could squeeze in, I told my sister-in-law she had one more thing – the cat. She objected and said the cat wouldn’t ride good in the truck. Any excuse she could find she tried.

I said, “Don’t worry! I have just the answer for that cat.”

I took her to the kitchen and somehow that cat knew she was in for a treat, so she hopped up on the chair and waited. I grabbed a pill, popped it into the back of her throat and she swallowed.

I took the cat out and put her into the cab of the truck and said goodbye…….and good riddance.

Later, when we talked to the sister, we found out the cat never made it home. She said half-way, of the one-hour car ride, the cat began acting really strange. They stopped the truck to try to get the cat calmed down and in the process the cat bolted out the door and was never seen again.

It wasn’t until a few days later that I figured out what happened. My wife takes a prescription drug called Synthroid for a hyperactive thyroid. She had moved bottles around so I ended up giving the cat a dose of synthroid instead of Valium.

No my wife didn’t take the Valium.

The man immediately yells back at the woman, “BITCH!”

The man navigates the next turn in the road and immediately hits and kills a pig standing in the middle of the road.

Yikes!

The driver went into the field and returned shortly with the family. The lawyer opened his door and invited the family to sit in the back of his limo with him for the ride.

They all squeezed in and headed for the lawyer’s home, when the father says to the lawyer, “It is really nice of you to take us to your home to feed us. We are very poor and have no money to eat.”

“Oh, that’s quite alright,” exclaimed the lawyer. “My lawn needs mowing anyway.”

As they sat twiddling their thumbs, little Freddie Emerson came wandering by on his way home from school. Freddie was only 10 and he attended the Andover Elementary School. If he was lucky he had Mr. Emery for a teacher because Mr. Emery is “smaht”.

Oddly enough, Freddie stopped for a second and gazed up into the gazebo at Otis and Gabby. Next thing you know, Freddie was sitting on the bench between Otis and Gabby looking at Otis as if he was some freak show entertainment at the Fryeburg Fair.

Otis of course was bored, so he said to little Freddie, “You want to talk?”

“Sure!” says Freddie. “What you want to talk about?”

“Well,” Otis hesitated a bit. “We could talk about nuclear science.”

“Yeah, we could,” replied Freddie. “But before we do let me ask you a question.”

That certainly perked Otis right up because he loves to be asked questions. He thinks he’s so smart and all and most of the time he can be quite successful in pulling the wool over the eyes of many people – especially the Andover Town Selectmen.

“What’s your question young man?” asked Otis all snuffy and puffed up like.

“You know deer, cows and horses eat the same thing, grass” declared Freddie. “Deer excrete tiny little hard pebbles, cows lay out a big flat patty and horses make a pile of big round lumps full of hay. Why do you suppose that is?”

“Well, geez,” replied Otis. “I can’t say that I rightly know why that is.”

“If that’s the case then mister,” began Freddie. “I can’t see talking to you about nuclear science when you don’t know shit.”