Gabby responded, “Mebee, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Twitcher, into the…”

“I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”

Gabby began again, “I was saying, I had just got Twitcher into the trailer and I was driving down the road….”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Gabby’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, this Twitcher did you say his name was”?

“Ayuh!” replied Gabby and thanked the Judge and proceeded. “Ya see as I trying to tell ya, I had just loaded Twitcher, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I got thrown into one ditch and Twitcher he got thrown into the other. I wanna tell ya, I was hurting god awful and couldn’t move much.

“However, I could hear Twitcher moaning and groaning wicked lots. I knew she was in some serious bad way just by her groans. Pretty soon I seen a Highway Patrolman come on the scene. He could hear Twitcher moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes. Then that Patrolman came across the road and he got his gun still in his hand and looked at me and said, ‘How are you feeling?’ Now tell me Mr. Judge. What would you say?”

After checking out the bandstand, Otis decided his favorite bench on the far back corner would suffice, after all, he could keep an eye on what was going on at the town office and see if any newcomers arrived in town.

But on his way, he passed an elderly woman he reckoned he didn’t really know. She was sitting on his second favorite bench sobbing her eyes out.

“What’s wrong with you, lady?” he asked.

“I have a 22-year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.” she sobbed.

“But why are you crying so?” asked Otis once again.

“He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.” she continues to wail and Otis is completely puzzled.

“That all sounds wonderful, lady,” replied Otis, “But it confuses me as to why you are so upset that you’re crying like this?”

“For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.” the sobbing was obnoxious.

“None of this makes any sense to me, lady!” Otis exclaimed, coming to the end of his patience. “I’m going to ask you one more time, why are you crying so?”

“I can’t remember where I live!”

“Gabby,” exclaimed Otis. “Do you realize you have a suppository stuffed in your right ear?”

With that Gabby reached up and pulled a suppository out of his right ear. He stared at it for a moment and then said, “Ah ha! Now I know where my hearing aid is”.

Otis had heard there was a new Chinese doctor had moved to town down in Rumford, so off he went in search for some answers. When he finally got in to see the doctor, he had his questions all ready to go.

“Doctor,” inquired Otis. “You these stupid people all they do is run all the time? This exercise stuff can it prolong your life?”

Doctor Wong, “Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.

“I like red meat. Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?”, asked Otis.

Doctor Wong, “You must grasp logistical efficiencies.. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.”

Otis inquired again, “What about booze? Not that I drink that much but I do like my Budweiser. I was thinking of my buddy Gabby. Do I gotta stop drinkin?”

Doctor Wong, “No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

“I don’t know what people are talking about when they ask me about my fat ratio or some such foolishness. How can I figure out my body/fat ratio?” quizzed Otis.

Doctor Wong, “If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.”

Otis wanted to know, “What the heck good is it doing anybody to run around town everyday of the week? Is there any good reason to do that?”

Doctor Wong, “Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain…Good!”

“People tell me to stop eating Mills’ Market french fries. Are fried foods bad for you?” asked Otis.

Doctor Wong, “YOU NOT LISTENING!!! …. Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?”

Asked Otis, “Hey, Doc! Do you think the women would like me more if I had one of them rock hard, rippled stomachs? Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?”

Doctor Wong, “Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.”

“Is chocolate bad for me?” Otis inquired.

Doctor Wong, “You crazy? HELLO …. Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!”

“I hate the water but I am told swimming is healthy. Is swimming good for your figure?” Otis wanted to know.

Doctor Wong, “If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.”

Once Doctor Wong figured Otis was done asking him questions, he said to Otis, “I discover important philosophy of life:
1. The Japanese eat no fat and have fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat lot of fat and have fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink little red wine and have fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink lot of red wine and have fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink lot of beers and eat lot of sausages and fats and have fewer heart attacks than Americans.

I come to this CONCLUSION…..

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English kill you.”

The Doc, a bit surprised, walked over to where Gary and Otis were working on the motorcycle. Gary straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open this thing up just like you do, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

Otis stood by, eyes wide open, chest puffed out, just knowing ole Gary stumped the Doc on that one.

The Doc leaned forward and whispered in Gary’s ear, “Try doing it with the motor running.”

There was only one problem. They had about 300 of these things on hand and had yet to sell any of them. Otis of course was the “brains” behind the business and Gabby was the manual labor but in order to get the business up and running, both Otis and Gabby had to take out a loan at the Andover Savings and Loan, at the time managed by “Cash” Crumsley. Otis and Gabby were near defaulting on their loan.

One day a man from China appeared on Otis’ doorstep looking to do some business. Mr. Chow said he had heard about Otis’ SCATS product and was interested in buying out everything in stock along with the patent rights to the SCATS.

There was much wheeling and dealing until finally Otis, Gabby and Mr. Chow had reached an agreement. All the papers were signed and what seemed a sure thing began to turn south in a hurry. As Mr. Chow was getting ready to leave, he said to Otis, “This is a very big deal and I must get final approval from my boss back in Bejing. If you don’t hear from me in four days, you will know that the deal is approved.”

For four days Otis and Gabby paced, worried to death not daring to answer the phone thinking it might be “Cash” Crumsley wanting to collect his money. The hours, minutes and seconds ticked by and Otis was just about as nervous as a clam at low tide. Right then, a knock came on the door with a yell out, “Western Union”.

Otis fell out of his chair knowing it was bad news from China. Gabby, not really being a full deck of cards upstairs, ran to the door to answer it. He whirled around and yelled to Otis, “Good news! Your mother is dead!”

Mainard True

What most residents of Andover don’t know about Otis is that he reads the newspapers everyday incessantly. He read about a man from Boston who had gotten in a bad car accident and had recently won a very lucrative settlement because of that accident.

The man was disfigured in the accident losing both of his ears, was very sensitive and self conscious about his loss but was determined to move on and make a better life for himself. Otis had read in the paper that this man was considering a move to Maine and wanted to open a computer business in Rumford and was looking for capable people to help him with his business.

Otis had an idea. He sent the man a phony resume and scheduled an interview. When Otis arrived for his interview, he noticed two other young, well dressed men ahead of him – assuming they too were there for the interview.

The first man entered the office for his interview and the earless man was quite impressed with the guy. At the conclusion of the meeting the man asked the young applicant if he noticed anything unusual about him. The young man replied, “Yeah, you don’t have any ears.”

Mr. Earless was quick to anger and escorted the young man to the door.

The second applicant entered and once again Mr. Earless was even more impressed with this applicant and at the conclusion of the interview asked the young man if there was anything unusual about him that he noticed. “Yeah, you don’t have any ears,” was his reply and was also tossed out the front door.

It was Otis’ turn. Entering the office he looked around and got a sense of what he was confronting. The interview went very well. You see, Otis is the master of deception, the ultimate in con. Mr. Earless was so impressed with Otis’ answers and his seemingly unbridled knowledge of just about any topic of conversation. He knew he wanted to hire Otis immediately but he couldn’t help himself. He asked Otis if he noticed anything about him.

“Yeah,” replied Otis. “I see you wear contact lenses!”

Mr. Earless was nearly blown over because Otis didn’t remark about his lack of ears and that he was so perceptive to notice that he indeed did wear contact lenses.

“I’m duly impressed!” said Mr. Earless. “Tell me how you could tell that I wore contact lenses.”

“That’s simple really,” answered Otis. “I figured that because you didn’t have any ears you couldn’t wear glasses.”

Mainard True