That would be Harley Davidson, the motorcycle!

You see this here fella was riding by the Rumford Zoo one day on his Harley Davidson motorcycle. He glances over in the direction of the zoo and sees a young girl standing in front of the lions cage and reaching her arm inside the bars toward the lion. Quicker ‘n you could say, “Gol dang it!”, that lion grabbed that little girl’s arm and a regulation tug-o-war commenced.

The biker dude went into a half slide, done a 180 and came back to help. The girl’s parents were in shock and could only stand and scream as the biker jumped from his bike and ran as fast as he could to help the girl. He ran to the cage and faster ‘n bear eatin’ hornets could shake his head, that biker dude reached through the cage and busted that lion smack square in the nose.

The lion released his grip on the girl and staggered back a step, giving the biker enough time to yank the girl out away from the lion.

The Harley rider passed the girl back over to her parents who fell all over themselves thanking the leather clad dude.

As fate would have it, there happened to a newspaper reporter right nearby who opted to stand back and gawk rather than pitch in and help. The reporter came over to the biker and said, “That was one of the bravest things I’ve ever seen any human being do!”

“Awe, shucks!” said the biker dude. “It was nothing.”

The reporter, being that his first care was getting a front page story, told the biker that he was going to write about this in the paper and would like some information. So he says to the Harley rider, “What’s your name, what do you do for work and being that the times we live in are trying, everyone will want to know if you have any political preference one way or another.”

The biker replied, “Well, my name is Bill and I’m a United States Marine. It just so happens that I’m a proud republican as well.”

The next day, when the Rumford Times comes out, the story made the front page. The headline read: “U.S. Marine Assaults African Immigrant, Steals His Lunch!”

Viewer discretion is advised!!

Arthur Crumpler was running for the Maine Legislature. Andover is one of the small Maine towns in his district and so he thought it would be a great opportunity to visit the Olde Home Days festivities and do some campaigning. He also brought along his dog Balducci and his favorite old dog house; he named it the Bland House.

What Crumpler didn’t realize was that when the citizens of Andover go to the Olde Home Days, they bring all the family members and that might also include a few pet chickens.

Crumpler was most noted for being a shiester and being such he thought he’d best fit in as a politician. He set up a table on the common and placed his dog, Balducci, and his dog house next to him.

As you can see from the video (not a pretty sight. I’m warning you!) Balducci learned from his master the art of seducing a citizen into voting for him. As you will see his tactics are subtle at first, almost playful. You get distracted some but eventually you start to think maybe this will be alright. The next thing you know, you’ve been pulled aside and harsher tactics are being used to convince you of your vote.

But as is most often the case in politics, once you figure out what happened, it’s too late. You’ve been screwed.

GM (Government Motors) is proud to introduce the car of the future, the brand new 2011 Obummer.

This car runs on hot air, bull-shit and broken promises. It has three wheels that speed the vehicle through tight left turns.

Notice the side teleprompters; computer programmed to provide you all the right words to say when being pulled over by the police.

You may see one of these beauties, a product of wealth sharing and government controlled industry, in the Andover Olde Home Days parade.

Otis, it seems, was hanging around on the Andover Town Common when the constable came along. The constable asked Otis to find someplace else to hang around but Otis, in his typical belligerent way essentially told the constable to stick it. Otis was summonsed to court.

The judge reviewed the case and sentenced Otis to 7 days of community service. Otis asked the judge what it was that he was going to have to do. After some discussion, Otis revealed that in another life he used to cut a little hair for a living. Well, being that the Andover barber, Mr. Fox, was away on vacation for two weeks, the judge thought it would be a great idea to have Otis sit in as a barber while Fox was away.

On Monday, Otis opened the shop and waited for customers. Later that morning the local florist showed up for a hair cut. When he was done, he offered to pay for his haircut but Otis told him he couldn’t accept money because he was doing community service.

The next morning when Otis opened the shop, he found a thank you card and a bunch of flowers awaiting him.

Shortly thereafter, the constable came in to get a haircut. And he too offered to pay Otis for the haircut but he reminded the constable that he was performing community service.

The next morning when Otis opened the shop, he found a thank you card and a box of donuts waiting for him.

Later in the day, State Representative Carter from down in Bethel was passing through and thought it would be a good chance to get a haircut. When Otis had finished with Carter, he offered to pay Otis but Otis explained the haircut was free because he was performing community service.

The next morning when Otis arrived to open the shop, he found 18 members of the Maine House of Representatives standing in line waiting for a free haircut.

Otis was sitting on the steps of the Gazebo on the Andover Town Common the other day when Gabby showed up. Looking mighty depressed he said to Otis, “Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , ‘pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land’”.

“How did you know about that, Gabby?” inquired Otis.

“I think my mother told me that a long time ago and for some reason I now remember it,” answered Gabby. “And she also told me that nearly 75-years ago, Roosevelt said, ‘Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land’”.

“Whoa! Gabby!” retorted Otis. “What’s up with you today? Are you alright?”

Gabby emotionally replied, “I heard yesterday on the news that now Obama has stolen our shovels, taxed our asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land. I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and all that stuff that I really don’t know anything about. I got so depressed I called Lifeline, the suicide help line.”

“Geez, Gabby!” said Otis. “Are you alright? Did they help you? I didn’t know all this stuff bothered you so.”

“I don’t think so, Otis!” answered Gabby. “I got a call center in some place called Pakistan. I had a real hard job understanding what they were saying. They talked real funny you know.”

“What did they say to you Gabby?” quizzed Otis.

“I told them I was suicidal. I told them everything I was seeing and hearing on the news was all just too much for me.” said Gabby. “I told them I didn’t know anything about all those things but that it was all bad. I said I can’t take it anymore and I just wanted to commit suicide!”

“Oh, my God! Gabby! I had no idea you were so upset by all this stuff,” said Otis. “Did they give you some good advice?”

“Well,” hesitated Gabby. “I really don’t know. The person I talked with seemed like really all excited because I was suicidal and asked me if I could drive a truck.”

This is a spoof on what could have been repercussions from giving Al Gore, “the Goracle”, advice on Geothermal Energy. The Nobel Laureate s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d his information just a little too far in telling the American people that the core of the earth was “millions” of degrees in temperature. This is a spoof of me receiving a phone call from Mr. Gore after his embarrassment, trying to lay the blame on me. It contains a few surprises.

I received my third Republican brand survey in the mail yesterday. The previous two, from the Republican National Committee and a Senatorial Survey, I filled out and returned. This morning I filled out the “Congressional Survey” and here’s what we all should do. Of course they want money and aren’t at all interested in the survey part of it and what you have to say. I told them to give me back my tax money and then I’d share. I wrote it in big bold letters right across the money donation section.

We’ve all heard stories about the dangers of what happens to people who learn to live off government instead of being independent, practicing liberty. Today, I retell an old story about Clyde the farmer who wants to raise pigs. He doesn’t know where little pigs come from. The ending of the story might be surprising but the predictable habit of the pig is not.

Here is some hand sketching, combined with some Microsoft Draw, I did several years ago to depict Clyde and his prized sow pig. I hope you enjoy.

This week we celebrate a special birthday:

Monica Lewinsky turns 44.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling around the White House
on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples:

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate’s staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. While I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, she interrupted me with, ”I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts ” Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ”Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ”
Her response – click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did.. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando .
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.
I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, ‘Don’t lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!” (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife who asked, ”Is it possible to see England from Canada ?” I said, ”No.” She said, ”But they look so close on the map.” (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ”I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.” (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ”Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said, ‘No, why do you ask?’

She replied, ”Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!” After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , CA is (FAT – Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator’s aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ”Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii ?”

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ”I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

10. A lady Senator called and said, ”I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?” I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said, ”Yeah, whatever, smarty!”

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. ‘Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ”Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ”I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.” I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ”Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” ”Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ”I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Rhino anywhere.’ ”The lady retorted, ”Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!”

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ”You don’t mean Buffalo , do you?” The reply?

”Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.”

When officials arrived in Andover looking for suspected illegal immigrants, Otis gave this picture to the officers telling them he didn’t know anything about illegal immigrants but he sure thought that car looked mighty suspicious. He said he hadn’t seen a car painted red in Andover in a real long time.

This photo was taken in front of Mills’ Market just yesterday. Otis wasn’t really sure what was going on and Gabby said he once shot a dog that acted that way.

Caption: “I know you used to be a U.S. Senator in a previous life, but there has to be SOMETHING between here and there!”