We all know that Virgil and Florena live on the far end of the Sawyer Brook Road and even from there it is quite a walk from the road into their farm. Virgil keeps a few sheep in a pasture near the road on the southern side. He was out looking after his sheep one day when a man driving a Lincoln Navigator pulled up beside the road, got out and walked toward Virgil.

“Good morning!” the man yelled. Virgil knew right away he wasn’t dealing with no local here, not driving that ark of a vehicle and dressed the way he was.

The man was a real city slicker, a dude, a crook and dishonest as the day is long. Most of what he had he never earned. Virgil knew the man probably came from the greater Boston area.

“Say, there farmer man,” began the dude. “I would like a sheep to add to my collection. I tell you what. If I can guess exactly how many sheep you have total here in the pasture, will you give me one of your sheep?”

Virgil thought that was a very odd request but considering who he was dealing with, he played along with the fool.

“Sure, I guess,” answered Virgil.

The crooked city slicker mumbled a couple times then without even looking out into the pasture he tells Virgil he has exactly 66 sheep.

Virgil, being as honest as the day is long, told the man he was right and told him to go pick out his sheep.

The man did and as he was loading the animal in the back of his Navigator, Virgil says, “If I can correctly guess which city you’re from, can I have my dog back?”

Mainard True

Virgil seldom had time for reading an all being so busy taking care of the farm and remaining out of sight of Florena so she wouldn’t find him more work but on occasion he would stop by the Andover Library.

If the truth be known, Virgil was a bit shy about stopping in at the library, especially if Glenda was there working. Virgil was scared of her because he thought she was “hitting” on him every time he went in.

Virgil had to go into town to run errands and pick up a few supplies and so he decided that with winter setting in hard, he would have more time to sit by the wood stove and read.

Sure ’nuff! When he walked in the door, there stood Glenda. Don’t get me wrong here. Glenda wasn’t any beauty queen but compared to Florena she was quite a looker and only a few years younger than Virgil.

Virgil hung a quick right and weaseled his way through the narrow aisles until he reached the section that contained the history books. Virgil, when he did read, liked to catch up on history.

He thought he was in the clear until Glenda came around the corner and said hello to him. He politely responded with a hello of his own, visibly blushing and shy.

Glenda sensing his embarrassment moved a bit closer and Virgil got really nervous not knowing what to do or say.

“Virgil,” said Glenda. “You look big and strong. Can you come into the back store room and help me get a book down from a very high shelf? I just can’t seem to reach it by myself.”

Virgil cleared his throat several times and began clamoring for excuses – anything so he didn’t have to go in the back room with Glenda. Of course much of his fear is of what Florena would do should she ever find out.

Virgil’s mind was racing until he finally came up with an idea. One that he learned after years of living with Florena.

“I know what, Glenda,” said Virgil trying hard to sound sincere and strong. “Why don’t you and I just pretend we are married!”

“Ooooooh!” replied Glenda. “This sounds really exciting, Virgil. I can’t wait to play. What do you want to PRETEND about first?”

That was easy for Virgil because he had it all figured out. “Now that we’re married, why don’t you just go get the damned book by yourself!”

Mainard True

Virgil and Florena run a very small farm but during certain times of the season, Virgil needs help getting in the crops and feeding the animals. He pays them quite well for their work but somehow word got back to the powers that be in Augusta that this poor farmer might not be paying his help the minimum required by law. They sent an official out to visit Virgil.

When the man, clad in a nice wool suit, arrived at Virgil’s farm, he asked that Virgil provide him with all the proper papers so he could verify how much money he was paying his help. Virgil didn’t understand why he was being targeted.

“Why do you need to know this information?” asked Virgil.

“We received word that not everyone on your farm is being paid the required minimum by law,” replied the Augusta official man.

“I can tell you right now that everyone who works on this farm makes very good money except for one very big fool. He’s often called a half wit” said Virgil.

“So, you admit it then?” said the official.

“Sure!” replied Virgil. “I got this guy who comes in and milks for me everyday. I pay him $600 per week. I also got a fella who mows my fields, bails the hay and puts it in the barn. I pay him $800 per week but that other stupid half-wit don’t make nothing for all the work he does.”

Now very curious as to why Virgil would be outing himself with incriminating information he says to Virgil, “What does this man do anyway?”

“He does just about everything!” said Virgil. “He milks, he mucks out stalls, he tinkers on the equipment when it breaks, he repairs buildings, puts the cows out and in, plants crops, reaps the harvest and sometimes he’s up all hours of the night helping to deliver the newborn animals.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk with!” exclaimed the officials. “Where can I find him?”

“That would be me!” answered Virgil.

Virgil was out working in the field not too far from the road, when he heard a loud crash. Thinking he better go and investigate, he walked out the path to where he parked his old pickup truck. Seeing that his truck was okay, he looked around and spotted a big fancy bus that had crashed into a big pine tree down at the corner of the road.

He approached the bus and saw the writing on the side which read, “Maine Politicians Information Tour”. Virgil knew what he had to do, so he went back to his tool shed and returned with a shovel and began burying all the bodies.

About the time he got the last one covered over, the sheriff arrived on the scene.

“What happened here?” asked the sheriff.

“Well,” replied Virgil. “This bus crashed and I buried everyone.”

“Were they all dead?” asked the sheriff.

“Most of them,” answered Virgil. “A few of them said they weren’t but you can’t ever believe a politician.”

Andover’s a small town and as some of you know, small towns don’t rightly have doctors much nor a drug store either. That’s why people who live in small towns like Andover are wicked independent. You notice I said wicked independent not wicked smart?

When there ain’t no doctor and there ain’t no pharmacy and you can’t seem to fix what’s ailing ya yourself, you do the next best thing – You go ask Otis for advice.

You see Virgil and Florena had gone down to Rumford to get something to eat at Teena’s Restaurant. The food was the usual – most closely resembling garbage, but the ice cream is good – and it gave Florena a bad case of hiccups. Poor Virgil, he had to listen to Florena hiccup all the way back to Andover. He even tried scaring her a few times by pretending he was going out of the road but all it got Virgil was a rap up side the head.

By the time Virgil and Florena reached Andover, Virgil had had about all he could take and Florena was commencing to get a belly ache. Virgil, being as quick on his feet as a dumb farmer can be, had an idea. He figured that when he got into town, he could find Otis and get a cure.

Once in Andover, Virgil drove by the bandstand but Otis wasn’t there. He passed by the barber shop and Otis was nowhere around there. When he got to Marston’s Garage and found it closed, he knew Otis had to be at Mills’ Market.

He pulled the car up in front of the store, looking around briefly to see if he could spot Otis. Figuring he must be inside, he headed in the front door but no Otis. Only Roger Mills, owner of the store.

Virgil approached Roger behind the counter and asks, “Do you know how to cure hiccups?”

Without batting an eyelash, Roger reached out and slapped Virgil across the face quite hard.

“What the hell did you do that for?” asked Virgil.

“To get rid of your hiccups,” cried Roger. “And see you don’t have them anymore either.”

“You right,” said Virgil. “But Florena’s in the car and she still has them. What do I do?”

Virgil had to go to court. He decided to sue a trucking company for killing his favorite horse Clarence and causing him serious injury. Once in court and Virgil got on the witness stand, the fancy city lawyer began questioning Virgil about the events of the accident. The lawyer began the questioning.

“Mr. Cole (Virgil)! Didn’t you tell the officer at the scene when he asked you if you were ok, you told him you were?’

Virgil began, “I had just loaded Clarence into the back of my trailer….”

“I didn’t ask you for details! I asked you a simple question!” exclaimed the city lawyer. “Did you or did you not tell the officer you were alright?”

Virgil tried again, “Well, as I was saying, I just finished loading Clarence into my trailer……”

“Please just answer the question!” yelled the lawyer.

“Well, I had just finished loading Clarence….” Virgil tried his hardest to tell the story.

“Your Honor!” retorted the well clad city lawyer. “I am frustrated with this witness. I am trying to establish the fact that this man who is suing my client proclaimed he was feeling ok at the scene but is now claiming he got hurt. Can you instruct him to answer yes or no to my question?”

The judge had become a bit interested in exactly what did happen at the scene and instructed Virgil to continue telling his story.

“I had just finished loading Clarence into my trailer,” began Virgil, “when around the corner came this big truck. It struck my trailer, my truck and me causing a lot of damage. When I came to, I was hurt real bad and in a lot of pain. I was in one ditch and Clarence was laying in the ditch on the other side of the road.

“The police officer over there had arrived on the scene and I watched as he took out his gun and shot Clarence between the eyes. The policeman then came to me and told me that Clarence was hurt real bad so he shot him. Then he asked me how I was feeling!”

Out on the outskirts of town you will recall, Virgil and Florena live on an isolated farm at the far end of the Sawyer Brook Rd. At least once a year there is an event that transpires at the Cole farm.

One evening as Virgil and Florena were getting ready for bed, Florena had finished up her nightly chores and readied herself for bed. She was in bed waiting for Virgil to come in from the bathroom. After some time, she rolled over toward the center of the bedroom and saw her darling groom standing in the middle of the room with nary a stitch of clothing on. Well, almost no clothing. Virgil was sporting his new work boots.

“What on earth are you doing, Virgil?”, cried Florena.

“Well, isn’t it obvious?”, asked Virgil.

“No! I don’t think anything is obvious, except that you’re a fool!” exclaimed Florena. “Now put your pajamas on and get into bed.”

“But, honey,” began Virgil. “I wanted to show you something that I thought you’d like.”

“Oh for God’s sake!”, said Florena. “What’s to see? That thing’s just hanging there dead as a door nail.”

“Florena, that’s not true,” explained Virgil. “He’s just admiring my new boots.”

“Yeah?” said Florena. “Then you shoulda bought an new hat!”

Virgil’s father being that he is nearing ninety, might be considered old by some but Will only thinks of himself as being the same as he always was. He lost his wife quite a few years ago and only a few weeks ago, he met up with an old widow from down in Bethel.

One day when Otis and Gabby were hanging out on the common, Will came by and sat down on the park bench near the bandstand. He was a bit too old to climb the stairs into the bandstand.

Otis and Gabby moved down to say hello. The conversation went as most of them do between two or three natives of Andover – not much said, mostly grunts and groans.

Finally Otis asked Will if it was true he was considering getting married again.

“Ayuh,” he said.

“Do I know this woman, Will?” asked Otis.

“Nope,” replied Will.

“Is she good lookin’?” he further inquired.

“Not too,” he said.

“She must be a good cook then,” replied Otis.

“Can’t boil water!” said Will.

“Oh, I get it!” confessed Otis. “She’s got a lot of money, right?”

“Nope,” said Will. “Dirt poor.”

“Don’t tell me she’s good in bed then!” exclaimed Otis.

“Wouldn’t rightly know!” cried Will.

“Then why in hell do you want to get married to her for?” asked Otis.

“That’s easy,” said Will. “She can still drive!”

A city slicker was nosing around up by Virgil’s farm one day and saw Virgil out with his pigs near the old apple tree. The dude noticed Virgil and was quite fascinated to see him pick up each pig one at a time and let them eat apples from the tree until they were full. After one pig had finished, Virgil would pick up another until all the pigs were happy.

The city guy couldn’t help himself and he walked down to where Virgil was and says, “Say, Mister. I have been watching you pick up each pig and let them eat the apples. This is an incredibly inefficient manner in which anyone should feed a few pigs. If you would simply shake the apples from the tree, all the pigs could eat from the ground at the same time. Don’t you realize all the time that is being wasted by doing this?”

Virgil thought a minute and then turned to the city slicker and replied, “What’s time to a pig?”

Virgil’s old pick-up truck gave up the ghost one day and so Virgil went with Florena to find something else to buy for a vehicle. Virgil was looking for any old piece of junk truck like his old one. The cheaper the better, but Florena seemed to have something different on her mind.

Everytime Virgil would find a truck he liked, Florena would tell him that wasn’t good enough. Virgil was confused because Florena normally didn’t care one way or the other. She didn’t drive and the other old truck they had was the only vehicle they had ever owned in 37 years of married bliss.

Finally Virgil began to lose his patience. “What the hell is it you want?” he yelled.

“Don’t you yell at me you son-of-a-bitch!” she yelled back at him. “Half of this damned vehicle is mine and I’ll have my say in what that half is gonna be!”

“Fine!” said Virgil and went over and sat down in a chair outside the used car sales office.

After a bit, Florena came over to Virgil and said, “You know, I think I want something different than a damned old truck. We’ve never had anything different than a damned old truck. I want something flashy – something with style. I want something that’s fast and has a big engine. As a matter of fact you cheap son-of-a-bitch, I want something that will go from 0-200 in seconds.”

With that, Virgil lead Florena over to Mills’ Market and bought her a set of scales. Nobody saw Virgil for months after that.

It would be an understatement to say that Virgil and Florena didn’t get out much. There was virtually nothing the two of them ever needed to leave the farm for except an occassional trip into Andover for a few things.

One day Virgil left his farm in North Andover and traveled in his old pick-up truck to Bethel to see Dick Carter about some special feed he was giving his cows. On the return trip to Andover, Virgil stopped at the A&P Store on lower main street to get a couple items he thought Florena would enjoy. You know, trinkets from the city.

As he passed down one aisle he stopped and looked directly into a mirror. Virgil had never seen a mirror before, so as he stared into it,he was aghast at the notion that this fancy supply store in Bethel, Maine would have a portrait of his father for sale.

Virgil figured he better buy it as he never had a picture of his father before.

When Virgil got home, he parked the old pick-up truck out at the end of Sawyer Brook Road and commenced his walk into the farm. On the way in, it struck him and he remembered Florena never did like his father much at all. He thought he better not show Florena the picture.

Virgil snuck into the barn and hung the mirror up on the wall just inside the area leading to the milking room. He knew Florena almost never came into that part of the barn.

Everyday Virgil would get up just a minute or two earlier so he could spend a little bit of time looking at his father’s picture. Well, Florena began to get suspicious of what ole Virgil was up to.

One day Florena got up before Virgil and headed out into the barn to see what it was that was so dang interesting that he had to leave for the barn early every morning. Florena got looking all around. When she came around the corner and spotted the mirror hanging on the wall, she looked into and said, “So, this is the old ugly squaw he’s been coming out here to see in the mornings!”

Doesn’t happen but once a year, but Virgil and Florena decided they would go out for a special breakfast. This year they opted for Teena’s Restaurant in Rumford. They got up early and drove over to Rumford in the old pick-up truck.

The two walked in and sat down. They couldn’t help but notice the sign out front that read, “The Best Breakfast in Town”.

Pretty soon, a waitress came by to take their order. Virgil order up his and the waitress turned to Florena to get her order.

“And what can I get for the missus this morning?” asked the skinny, buck-toothed, cigarette sucking waitress.

Florena began, “I’d like two eggs. One I want cooked so much that you can’t cut it with a fork. The other one I would like so that the white of the egg has barely had a chance to turn white from cooking. In other words very runny. I would also like four strips of bacon about room temperature and cooked so crisp you nearly break your teeth when you try to bite it. Give me two pieces of toast. It doesn’t matter what kind but it should be burned black and so dried out that when you touch it, it disintegrates. Oh, and make sure the butter is straight from the freezer so it’s impossible to spread. Finally, bring me a cup of coffee that’s luke warm and tastes like the oil from my husbands old truck out there. I guess that will do it.”

“Ma’am,” said the waitress. “We can’t prepare your food like that.”

“Hmmm,” mused Florena. “You did last year!”

Most of you probably don’t know that Virgil has a horse named Clarence. Well, he does. One day a man was poking around the far end of Sawyer Brook Road and got his car stuck in the ditch. The man couldn’t remember how far back from where he had come  the nearest house was and his cell phone wouldn’t work as was the case with most things in Andover.

The man looked around a bit and in the bushes down the road a ways, he spotted Virgil’s pick-up truck. He walked down to investigate and when he got near the truck, he eyed the path that leads in to where Virgil and Florena live.

The man wandered down the path and as he approached the house, he could see Virgil coming from the barn toward the house. He waved to Virgil and got his attention.

He soon explained to Virgil what had happened and asked him for some help. Virgil obliged and soon had his big ole work horse Clarence bridled and reined and the three headed out the path to the man’s car.

Virgil brought Clarence up to the front of the car and hooked on a big leather strap. He then walked up beside Clarence and yells, “Pull, Chester, Pull.”

Clarence stood motionless. Pretty soon Virgil yells again, “Pull, Pokey, Pull!”

Once again, Clarence stood motionless. Virgil yells a third time, “Pull, Arthur, Pull!” and once again Clarence never twitched.

Finally, Virgil yells, “Pull, Clarence, Pull!” and Clarence very easily pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was forever grateful for Virgil and Clarence’s help and offered to pay Virgil for his time and effort but Virgil refused.

“Before you go, Virgil. Can I asked you a question?” quizzed the man.

“Sure,” said Virgil.

“Why did you call your horse by three other names before you called him by his right name and he then pulled my car so easily out of the ditch?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s easy,” said Virgil. “Clarence is blind. If he thought he was the only horse pulling, he wouldn’t pull at all.”