Gabby responded, “Mebee, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Twitcher, into the…”

“I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”

Gabby began again, “I was saying, I had just got Twitcher into the trailer and I was driving down the road….”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Gabby’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, this Twitcher did you say his name was”?

“Ayuh!” replied Gabby and thanked the Judge and proceeded. “Ya see as I trying to tell ya, I had just loaded Twitcher, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I got thrown into one ditch and Twitcher he got thrown into the other. I wanna tell ya, I was hurting god awful and couldn’t move much.

“However, I could hear Twitcher moaning and groaning wicked lots. I knew she was in some serious bad way just by her groans. Pretty soon I seen a Highway Patrolman come on the scene. He could hear Twitcher moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes. Then that Patrolman came across the road and he got his gun still in his hand and looked at me and said, ‘How are you feeling?’ Now tell me Mr. Judge. What would you say?”

She merely grunted when he entered the room and so Bruce thought that perhaps when the kids came down from upstairs they will at least remember and wish him a happy birthday. It didn’t happen. The kids were in and out, off to school before Bruce could even say a word.

Feeling depressed and mumbling something about marriage sucks and kids are a pain, he grabbed his gear and headed to work.

Sullenly, with his head banging on his chest, he entered the office. His secretary, Agnes, said, “Well, good morning sunshine and by the way, happy birthday!”

That seemed to lift Bruce’s spirits a little thinking that at least someone was nice and remembered his birthday.

Bruce worked until around 1 o’clock still a bit down in the dumps. Agnes came in all smiles and acting a bit, well, let’s say feisty, for her. She says, “Hey Boss! It’s such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday and all. What do you say we go to lunch? Just the two of us?”

That seemed to brighten Bruce’s spirits considerably and so he agreed. Certainly Bruce had been to lunch before with Agnes but this time she insisted they go someplace “different” and ended up in a quaint little, romantic kind of a cafe down near the river looking out across at the paper mill. Agnes asked the waiter for a private kind of booth. Perhaps even a booth with a view of the effluent from the mill.

Bruce was becoming a bit overcome with all the attention and wasn’t sure if he was reading Agnes correctly. They ordered drinks before something to eat and began talking. Soon they ordered another round of drinks. They ate their meals while sipping a third drink. Bruce paid the tab and they headed home.

They had barely gotten in the car and headed out when Agnes says, “Bruce, it’s an absolutely beautiful day and it is your birthday. Do we really have to go back to the office right away?”

Bruce could feel his internal temperature beginning to rise. He answered, “Well, I guess not. Did you have something in mind you wanted to do?”

“Let’s go to my place,” she responded. “It’s just around the corner from here.”

Bruce was clearly flustered but getting quite excited about the prospects that might lay before him. They arrived at Agnes’ apartment and she looked a Bruce with a very sexy, sultry look and in a soft voice said, “I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a minute and I’ll be right back.”

Bruce about popped a cork!

Agnes reappeared from the bedroom moments later carrying a very large birthday cake. She was followed closely behind by his wife, three kids, about a dozen co-workers, and tons of other friends and family all singing happy birthday.

Bruce just sat there on the couch. NAKED!

Arthur Crumpler was running for the Maine Legislature. Andover is one of the small Maine towns in his district and so he thought it would be a great opportunity to visit the Olde Home Days festivities and do some campaigning. He also brought along his dog Balducci and his favorite old dog house; he named it the Bland House.

What Crumpler didn’t realize was that when the citizens of Andover go to the Olde Home Days, they bring all the family members and that might also include a few pet chickens.

Crumpler was most noted for being a shiester and being such he thought he’d best fit in as a politician. He set up a table on the common and placed his dog, Balducci, and his dog house next to him.

As you can see from the video (not a pretty sight. I’m warning you!) Balducci learned from his master the art of seducing a citizen into voting for him. As you will see his tactics are subtle at first, almost playful. You get distracted some but eventually you start to think maybe this will be alright. The next thing you know, you’ve been pulled aside and harsher tactics are being used to convince you of your vote.

But as is most often the case in politics, once you figure out what happened, it’s too late. You’ve been screwed.

The wife glared at her husband and said, “Who the hell was that?”

“Oh,” replied the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” said the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replied her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMWs in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend entered the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Gary?” asked the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” said her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replied.

After checking out the bandstand, Otis decided his favorite bench on the far back corner would suffice, after all, he could keep an eye on what was going on at the town office and see if any newcomers arrived in town.

But on his way, he passed an elderly woman he reckoned he didn’t really know. She was sitting on his second favorite bench sobbing her eyes out.

“What’s wrong with you, lady?” he asked.

“I have a 22-year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.” she sobbed.

“But why are you crying so?” asked Otis once again.

“He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.” she continues to wail and Otis is completely puzzled.

“That all sounds wonderful, lady,” replied Otis, “But it confuses me as to why you are so upset that you’re crying like this?”

“For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.” the sobbing was obnoxious.

“None of this makes any sense to me, lady!” Otis exclaimed, coming to the end of his patience. “I’m going to ask you one more time, why are you crying so?”

“I can’t remember where I live!”

Let’s go people watching!

Here is some hand sketching, combined with some Microsoft Draw, I did several years ago to depict Clyde and his prized sow pig. I hope you enjoy.

The Doc, a bit surprised, walked over to where Gary and Otis were working on the motorcycle. Gary straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open this thing up just like you do, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

Otis stood by, eyes wide open, chest puffed out, just knowing ole Gary stumped the Doc on that one.

The Doc leaned forward and whispered in Gary’s ear, “Try doing it with the motor running.”